Sunday was spent thusly:

Walking around toronto trying to find one fucking place to grab a to go lunch to eat while on the bus... (i ended up getting a red bean crisp, a lotus+mung bean crisp from an asian bakery, then finally i settled on a vegetarian patty sub from subway... bc it was the only cheap place with food i could eat that was open.)

Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's for the whole bus ride.... believe it or not i'd never seen it... It was slightly appropriate for the time... i had a few moments with it... I think it's officially a new favorite. I had planned on watching short bus before but that didn't seem like such a great idea what with changes and all. I already know i get emotional during that movie, and at this point, i was not about to cry in front of strangers. no, sir. I sat in front of what i thought was a gay couple. They may have just been friends.... but every time i took off my headphones, their conversation just made me want to punch things... They were having "real talk" about really... not serious things. they discussed some song or scene for such an extended period of time, that i just wanted to scream. and it wasn't even good. all their observations were so trite and... idk. contrived. like quotes you read off of a dvd jacket or something. I wanted to ask them to shut up but then i would remember that i was watching a movie and put my headphones back on. at least one of them was cute. I realize it was judgy of me to write all of that but they just seemed so intent on seeming deep to each other and they both were feeding into it but it seemed so transparent. maybe it was deep to them. who knows.

I arrived in Buffalo and walked straight to work and worked a 6 hour shift, then walked partway home and caught the bus. my bag was so heavy, i couldn't carry it anymore. i had to sit, even if i was only going a few blocks.

The family was at my house this year... april and michael were there to host. While i was so exhasuted, it was nice to hear the sound of family, and the happy noises from the little ones. it made the house really feel like a home for once. Maybe we could do some more family events here before the lease is up.








I could barely get them to stand still long enough to not get a blurry pic

was pretty awesome. I had a great time and got a lot of school work done... wish i had some more time to walk around.

Tomorrow, i take the bus back to Buffalo and have to walk straight to work the second i arrive. Another year of missing easter with the family... (like the last ... 9? wow...)

more to come once i'm back.

yesterday was pretty uppy downy... i went to lunch with Tanya at Tokyo Shanghai. i mostly fretted the day away... Spanish group was good.

today i was approved for graduation. that was awesome news! then i got a not so fun message...

honestly, I'll get over it. i will. I'm not gonna bleed all over the place like last time. i don't want to. of course I'm fucking sad but it's a lot more... quiet, this time. if that makes sense.

maybe just friends will work. there's no way to know except by trying.

honestly... i will miss the sex. like, a lot. so much. way much. holy crap.

life goes on i guess. i just have to go through the feelings and deal.

I'd really like to not feel locked out... I have no idea at all. I feel crazy but i'm restraining myself so much. Yes, i'm cognizant of circumstances, life's obligations, etc etc... I think i'm mostly just having moments of selfishness.

For now, i just need to find ways to distract myself instead of thinking constantly... maybe i'll do something creative. Distraction doesn't really work for me... when i've got a feeling, there's really no escape for me. i either feel it honestly, or suffer the consequences later. I'd rather feel it honestly.

I'll write some poetry, i guess.
__

fuzzy light from my window
dims just a bit, and particles,
snow?
float by
is it really that cold today?
i shift in my blanket
...quiet noise
"fwish fwash fwash"

tests, notes, facts
meaningless required knowledge
drips from my fingers
oozes from my ears

a dull throb
takes its usual station
its post

my chest is host to the cosmos

soon it will compact
then it will explode

I will be a new whole
but composed of archaic
pieces,
ancient portions

I guess we all have our ways.

::DOWNLOAD SOUND::

writing about these things really does help me. I can proceed through the day without feeling that chest pressure...

off to ecc for an exit interview and then home to take a test and off to work...

I'll just write this entry by narrating pics.

thursday before heading to tanyas I was ina bit of a mood... so I ate a tub of ice cream. It didn't make me feel better but i was a bit sugar high.


Then i realized Jenn was coming in from booklyn to stay at Tanya's for the night and so after having some bunny time, i got ready and headed over. The plan was that we'd drink 40's together but she got wine in stead. Surprisingly, this 40 was not terrible. I guess i could be homeless if this was what i had to look forwards to... haha (not haha, i should never say that again)


This was the bar in the hostel I stayed at. I actually really liked it. It kind of reminded of the pink and nietchez (sp?) combined... I met a really cool girl at the bar and we sat talking about all kinds of things for hours.... but the next day she turned out to be kind of annoying. She wouldn't leave me alone. I mean i liked her, i just wanted to be alone while i did homework.




View from my bed of the grocery store where i bought my lavish breakfast.


I got woken up by that girl i met so she could use my charger... somehow she got into my room to poke me awake. I was almost completely naked but at that point i didn't really give a fuck.... hope she wasn't freaked out by my body hair when i got up to get it. :P


It seriously took me two hours to eat all of this. it doesn't look like much but seeing the actual plate of fruits and veggies in front of you really put it in perspective. I didn't want to put it in the fridge because it was so gross... the kitchen was seriously sick. i found out on the last day as i was leaving that there was ANOTHER kitchen that was actually nice.




Tanya! we went to eat at this place on The Esplanade (not esplanade st, ave, rd.... But, THE Esplanade. seriously?) called the beer market (not properly spelled) but decided to go somewhere else instead called fran's. I had breakfast... it was kind of a commercial diner-y place but it was really tasty food and the the price point was reasonable. I liked it.


concert... I was sort of close, sort of far. right in the middle, i guess that means? haha... I liked it and had a great time, but i really felt the venue lacked that aspect of intimacy that sigur ros needs to feel truly great. You could feel it, the whole audience was a bit... muted. i took video, but the audio is probably shit. i didn't bother listening. They played a lot of my favorites, but they left out gobbledigook. (check it out here. nsfw due to naked people running through forests. I'd really like to be doing that at some point.) I didn't really get to sit with Tanya or Jens, but we reconvened after the show to walk back to the hostel. Tanya and I had beers at the bar, and Jens went back to his friend's place












These are just random pics i took around the hostel... it was so gritty and weird and kinda ghetto, but i ended up actually really liking it.