Man, over the last couple of days I really have gotten spooked. Last night was especially bad. I could barely sleep. I'm worried about the future, what I'll be doing, where I'll be going. Am I going to get more of what I want out of life?

I've been pretty public about the troubles I've had. In October 2006, something happened to me, it was sort of a renewal. I snapped out of it, so to speak. To me it was miraculous. I looked back on the previous 5 years and said Oh my God, what happened to me? How am I going to make up for all this time?

One thing I realized was that my psyche was fragile and weak. I needed to learn all of those hard lessons. I had to go through that to move on. All of it was necessary. I wish the lessons weren't so tough but I don't choose that kind of thing.

So I've tried to do the right things. I've tried to improve myself. I've always had certain good qualities, always been intelligent, but inside it was 100% turbulence. Dad tells me all the time how proud he is, how much I've changed. I hope you see some change in me too, because I've tried so hard to not be a bitter, angry, petty person towards anyone. I've tried to be better in every way.

Now it is all about the next step, personally and professionally. I don't have the love of a good woman, or a house, or a fancy car. I still haven't seen nearly enough of the world. I'm facing the possibility of leaving everyone and everything I know. I feel like I don't have it all together and at 30 I should, but I do see so many others in my position who are going through the same thing, so that should be some comfort.

I'm not desperate, or in a hurry, but I don't want to go through life alone. I want someone to be there for me, and me for them. I also really want to be a father someday, to me that is so important. I want to justify the sacrifices my grandparents and my own father made. I want to make good on their investment in me. I want I want I want.

Maybe first I should just worry about quitting cigarettes.

I appreciate the happy birthdays. It was a very chill day. I thought I wouldn't feel weird about turning 30 but in fact I am a little spooked. Here's to taking the next step, I guess! Special thanks go out to (e:Drew) and (e:Janelle) for being awesome hosts.

(e:Joshua) confirmed the various beer deals at Caffe Aroma during the Euro 2008 matches (national team soccer matches, for the uninitiated). So I think I'll be there at noon to support the motherland in their efforts to defeat the flopping, spineless Spanish.

Just commenting on some comments here, and hopefully fostering some more discussion.

You're right, (e:Vincent), the excise tax doesn't comprise all of the $1.3B. We went from $1.50 a pack to $2.75 a pack, and the increase should generate a little under $300M, so there you go.

(e:Drew), I have the same moral problem with it. The rub is that tax payers, and by extension the government, do have a compelling interest in reducing the smoking population because of health care costs.

This interest would only become stronger if we had a national health care system, and a pool of "our" health care dollars. If you spend your life drinking and smoking and poisoning your body, as I have, you are deliberately screwing people out of health care in this circumstance. If I haven't already quit by the time we get national health care, I will quit that day.

Some leftward-thinking people are recommending exactly this type of government manipulation of gasoline demand through regressive tax policy as well. I don't know about you guys, but I am sick and tired of this kind of negative policy. Punitive tax policy isn't the only way to approach these kinds of issues, but people in government don't seem to understand. Instead of sucking more money from people, why not make an investment in your future by offering really good incentives for people to quit?

I met Jerry out for the usual weekly jaunt to our local. We said that we would only go for a couple of beers and take off early. Of course, that plan went to pot when one of the girls he has been "seeing" on and off came through. Oh, and her younger sister came through as well, who was a real handful.

I'm still paying for it as I write this - there were beers and shots and I noticed something about myself for the first time. When I drink I get sort of huggy sometimes. What can I say, I like a hug. Does this happen to anyone else? Good thing the older sister is a drunk hugger as well.

The younger sister, however, was really independent and not afraid to speak her mind openly. I think that's what they call "bitchy" nowadays, right? She started poking me where she thought I had a flaw, and that was rude as hell. If I ever did that to a chick, I would be considered a Class A jerk. I would be blacklisted for sure. It's not like I provoked her either, talking about her massive behind and whatnot. She thought her shit didn't stink, which was annoying.

Some people get off on the tension, the back and forth, and to me it is just tiring and a waste of energy. I distrust people like that because I think they are hiding something, some kind of insecurity, and they have to compensate by wrapping themselves in poison coated armor. I know that when I've been that way it's because of my own unhappiness. It really is okay to just be cool and agreeable!

We were talking about relationships and I said that guys basically want someone they feel "at home" with, someone who lets them be themselves. You would think I dissed the Pope! The younger sister needled me the rest of the night, presumably because she took it personally. I really don't care if she was insulted, first of all because she already tried to humiliate me earlier, and secondly because I wasn't saying anything about her to begin with. I thought I was talking common sense.

I just don't get it, why some girls have to be so nasty, and why they cross my path so often. The only thing I can think of is karmic retribution for something I've done in the past. It's not like I've been a perfect angel myself. I thought about my last ex, who definitely made me feel at home and comfortable around her.

She wasn't the type to open up, at all, but after the breakup she did open up to me a little, saying really nice things that surprised me. I later misinterpreted something else she said and grew bitter, nasty, poisonous. I reacted in knee-jerk fashion, and I wish I never had done that. If you do that to someone who opened up to you, they will hate you forever.

Maybe it still would have not lasted, but at least I wouldn't have invited this kind of negativity to come my way. She had her flaws, which I could deal with, but the thing she had in spades was heart. She was a down ass chick, and I was able to be as goofy and nerdy as I am. She put up with antics that the super-bitch from March would have never tolerated. Dealing with these girls has me missing her so badly. She will never be mine again, but maybe if I follow the Golden Rule from now I'll have a karmic swing.