(Also posted on another blog of mine, which I rarely use)

It's getting harder for me to not take it personally when someone's demons overcome them. I wonder what the hell went through Heath Ledger's mind in the last few weeks of his life.

I am not even the biggest fan of his in the world, but in a sense I have walked a mile in his shoes.

I know what it's like to be locked into depression, and to rely on drugs and booze to get you through the day, barely. No sleep, no rest, no relief. And it appears that you are so damned alone and isolated. Your mind is going a million miles an hour.

Why didn't he just get help for his problems? Well, it's not that easy, despite what you may think. Shit, even TALKING about it is difficult. You think about:

- What if people discriminate against me in employment?
- What if this means that girls aren't going to like me?
- What if this distances me from my friends?
- How are people going to view me from now on?

You formulate all of these things and more in your head, reasons to deny yourself the help you need. Getting help was one of the most terrifying and difficult steps for me to make in my life, and I bet it was just as hard for Heath to reach out to people and get over his demons. From what I've read he isolated himself, something I can relate to.

Eventually, you have to decide for yourself, you know, fuck the employers who might discriminate, fuck the women who might not like you for it, and the people who distance themselves from you for it are not your friends. The people who misunderstand are 100% ignorant and their opinions are worthless.

What's more important than any of that crap is for you to be happy and live a good, healthy life. You are who you are, pock marks and all, and that's okay. Maybe if Heath could have seen this in time he would still be with us.

In case you did not see it, Jim Wallis made an appearance on The Daily Show. The interview is up on streaming video (look under "Coming Up Next").

I have a new one! Hallelujah!

Now I might take some of this Christmas money and buy some new pots and pans. Any recommendations?

It's just on my left side. I've had it for a little less than a week. I thought maybe I slept on my side wrong and that's why things were weird, now thought after a few days I really don't know.

I mean, it's not like piercing pain. It's more like someone is rubbing their knuckle into my chest. I really hope it goes away. I am recovering from a cold.

Other than that, not much to talk about!!! Another day, another dollar.

Thank you for responding, peeps. I have a tendency to overthink this crap sometimes, a tendency which I am trying my best to resist.

My resolution is to slam the door closed on the negative phase I have gone through. I think the last year and a half or so has been great, but before that I constantly had a thundercloud over my head. My twenties haven't been what I had hoped for.

And now, looking back, I think "Oh my God, what happened to me?" and I see how much time and opportunity have gone to waste. I really don't want that to happen anymore. I want to do so much, and catch up on everything I've missed.

Moments like this past weekend really remind me of that. Kinda got caught unprepared.

I will answer your comments now:

(e:Libertad) - Yeah, crazy, exactly. This stuff doesn't happen all the time. Totally blindsided me.

(e:Paul) - Yes, exactly right. Straight men don't get under a blanket with each other. I am not sure that the chick actually wanted this, or whether she misspoke.

(e:Ajay) - I'm going to be a lot better prepared next time. I have already written down a list, and started completing it. Might be a good time to practice a recipe or two also, yes?

(e:Metalpeter) - I don't know, man. You see, the girl that was hanging with my buddy...well...I doubt anything really is ever going to happen between them, and they both know it. Both girls sort of have to be down with it I'm sure. I don't know if either of them are. Both get plenty of attention, might have better things to do.

Honestly, if all that ever happened was that they came down, went out with us, had a few laughs and a few flirts, I would be fine with it. I'm fine with just going out and having a good time. I don't need to game her or rush anything or see how fast I can get in her pants. Whatever happens will happen naturally, even if it is nothing.