I admit it, I let (e:strip) fall by the wayside. As it is I have the Livejournal I've had for almost six years, and the community of people I only interact with online through it, and now I have a Myspace (oh Christ) because my team captain for roller derby made me get one. I don't' use my real name on it and don't mention any of my other online identities; it's just for roller derby. And it takes me so long to write these long entries because I don't know when to shut up...

But that doesn't leave much time for (e:strip). I tried to set it up so I could read (e:strip) via an RSS feed on Livejournal, but that silently broke, so I just thought everyone had been being unusually quiet. I was just thinking I should come back here and see what's up and bug Terry for IRS advice.

I don't really have time for much nowadays-- either I'm at work, I'm at roller derby or in meetings for roller derby, or I'm online, mostly emailing about goddamn roller derby. Or I'm asleep; I've been sick all winter and have been constantly trying to sleep my way free of some illness. (Remember the last house party? How I was getting sick, all snuggly in
my bathrobe and whining about not feeling good? Yeah I'm still not better all the way.)

I was exceedingly pleased to find out that (e:zobar)'s been blogging about me. I was glad to hear he had pimped the roller derby match-- it was very nice of him. (Redfox's husband, by the way, has declared that "derby widow" is politically incorrect, and he prefers the term "derby groupie". I dunno man, whatever empowers him.)

I also was totally psyched by this entry
and how it was decided that I am hella needy and whiny and need to back up off him. Yes. I am a terrible person, in fact, and none of my complaints are in any way valid.
He can compose all the essays he wants but if he doesn't post them then I don't get to read them. Also if you want to celebrate a holiday in an alternative way that takes the emphasis off the traditional way and makes more sense to you, that's fine, but you have to do it, and if it's something that involves two people, it really helps if you tell the other person about it.
I was very pleased to come home and find that he had made me dinner on Valentine's Day-- it was quite nice. Unfortunately i was ill and had been unable to taste food for about three days, and I'm still recovering from that, so I couldn't appreciate it as much as I wanted. At least it was a strongly-flavored dish with a pleasing texture.

I know I haven't been as appreciative to him as I should be. He made dinner last night and I was so upset that he didn't use half the ingredients I'd asked him to incorporate into it because they're about to go bad and we'd have to throw them out, and it made him super angry because he'd bothered to go ahead and cook dinner even though he was tired. But I'd told him that if he was too tired, we had perfectly adequate leftovers.
And I'm still trying to figure out how to apologize when I am still annoyed. I told him where the things were that I wanted him to use up! Does he not listen to me? Now I have to think of something to do immediately with all the ingredients I got for that dish, because they'll go bad, but I'm not going to be home for dinner for the next two days. [I was planning on taking Z out on Friday; does that ruin the surprise?]
But, of course, I'm in the wrong. He went ahead and made dinner. Which was nice of him. And lovely. And wonderful. And all that. And I'm ungrateful, but I can't help being pissed that he didn't listen to me.

And I am glad he made dinner on Valentine's Day, but then he left every dish in the sink and i had a nervous breakdown the next day [really, I was crying for 20 minutes while I was trying to do something else] because I had tried so hard to catch up on the dishes the previous day, because he sort of doesn't do any very often, and while I accept that I can't bully him into doing dishes every day, I have so little time and the skin on my hands is so badly affected by washing dishes that I can't keep up with them either, especially since I already damage my hands doing laundry and have never asked him to do a load of laundry in 3 years, blah blah blah whine whine piss piss moan moan.
So there you have it: I'm a needy bitch. I threaten and bludgeon him and demand unreasonable things of him, and mope and whine and cry and leave messages for him to find in a passive-aggressive manner. Because Valentine's Day should be, as he says, all about celebrating the special people in your life, by treating them the way you usually do, and it is unreasonable for them to expect you to tell them that they are important to you to their face when you can simply tell your journal about how little they appreciate how you feel, especially if you've never told them how you feel.
[Which goes both ways of course. I do the same. Turnabout is fair play. It also solves nothing. And I have been trying to make an effort to say out loud to his face that I appreciate him and the things he does.]

Amusingly enough a girl on my livejournal friendslist posted about how much she admires the relationship (e:zobar) and I have, how well I cope with having such an emotionally distant lover. [Her words.] Gosh, she said, I could never spend five years with a guy who had never even said "I love you" or anything remotely similar to it, and who didn't buy me things for Christmas or Valentine's. [Her 'emotionally distant' boyfriend bought her a rose, cheap candy, and a bust of her favorite DC comics character, and told her that while it wasn't easy for him to do mushy things, she was important to him. I cried when I read that entry, I'll admit it, but I didn't tell her that.]

I laughed and breezily told her that it's not always easy. And no, it isn't always easy.

I don't need the conventional mushy bullshit, I know I don't. I shouldn't need anything. I don't' want to be a needy, whiny person. It's not what I want to be. It's only so hard right now because I have so little time. What we have is that we enjoy one another's company so much. I never get to see him. We never get to talk. When we do we're so tired and have all these little irritations in the way that we can't really talk seriously.

I miss you, (e:zobar). I miss (e:strip) too. I wish I didn't have to spend so much of my life doing things I don't want to do, because now that there are things I do want to do, it leaves no time for the things I ought to do and squishes out the things I need to do.

I know! I'll become a webcam whore. Here are my boobs: Happy Mardi Gras/ Valentine's Day!





It would be a lot easier with a camera remote, though. Which I suppose I'll have to buy myself, but I don't have time to shop. I don't really have time to do anything, and I was just going to come here to make a quick post about roller derby and taxes, but then I got distracted.

I missed roller derby practice this morning. :( I feel fine, but I am too sleepy to actually function. Also my legs are as sore as if I ran ten miles yesterday. Of course, I can't go back to sleep either. How annoying.

I should do a big update. I do daily updates at my LJ, and I just haven't found a perfect niche for my (e:strip) to fill in my life yet, but I like this community. Apparently I party harder than I blog, in Buffalo-centric situations.

Last night's party was lovely. Happy birthday, (e:enknot)!

I'm going to continue with my webcam idea. I do periodically take pictures of myself with my iSight and I don't know why but it seems amusing. Here's one this morning, waking up:



Note the little 16-ounce Nalgene. That thing is great. It is my new party friend. Since I carry a giant purse it fits inside with no problem and it is perfectly sized so that I can say to myself, Self, we need to be more hydrated, and then I can drink it all in a reasonable amount of time before my attention wanders off, and then I can hang onto it and eventually say, Self, we need more water. And everywhere I've ever partied except one place (ugh) has water, so, it's usually feasible to refill it. So it's better than the 32-oz Nalgene which is too heavy to carry around like that. And I stay hydrated for real, and then, no hangover!

Although what with this weather, I'm always bordering on dehydrated. Some days I drink and drink and drink water and I still pretty much never pee. It's annoying.

Oh, here's a bonus picture: this is me taking the bus to work last week or a couple weeks ago.



Yes, I was playing with my webcam, on the bus. I am a spaz.

I have a really funny blog I've been saving to write here rather than Livejournal. But I'm not coherent enough right now to post it. So instead I'll briefly sum up all I've been up to since my last post here:

1) Roller derby. We've picked teams. I'm on a team with the league founder, Sweet Pea [erroneously referred to as Sweat Pea in the Buffalorising article, which they have never corrected despite our pointing out their error], and the team captain is Mia Mauler who is a fitness instructor for World's Gym I think? Anyway. Everyone else on the team is like super-cool, and I've never been cool at all, so I have this terrible insecurity that I was picked last just to sort of even things out since the idea is that the teams are equal, not that one is just super-cool! So I'm all, man, I gotta get a lot better so that even if I am the uncool one, at least I'm not some sort of incompetent.
So.
Our first bout is Feb 10th at Rainbow Rink in North Tonawanda, so if you want to see real live roller derby action, I will post back here with the time and the price. The rink will have a liquor license!!!
We're also having a dance prior to that, Jan 20th I think-- I have to go to Goodwill and find an old prom dress I can wear to it. It's our Coming Out party-- a Derby Debutante B(r)a(w)ll! Rent a tux and rent some skates! More details to follow on that as well.

2) NaNoWriMo/ Noveling in general:
My final total for National Novel Writing Month was somewhere in the 60,000 range. I set Barbarians Novel aside and started in on a brand new one. For a while now I've been wanting to write something set in the contemporary world, because I keep getting little snippets of ideas about modern objects and things, and also i'm tired of how sometimes, when people read my fantasy novels that are set in pseudo-historical settings, they say the language is too modern and jarring. But it's not really a historical! It's not like there's any historical accuracy to maintain in the language! Bah.
So the new one was about a roller derby girl who is also a porn star and she knows magic and there's a bit with another person getting trapped in her body and then there's time travel, and that's about as coherent as I can be. Take my word for it that it was fun to write but doesn't hold together well and needs some major plot assistance-- but in the act of finishing it I know I'll come up with something and the second draft will be great. I just wish I had the time for that.

This upcoming week I'll be going to visit my parents' house, and spending some time with my grandmother, who fell the other day and now has two cracks in her pelvis. But, she says, it is tremendously good fortune that she did not break her hip. Cracks in her pelvis hurt terribly, and indeed she can't try to walk without fainting from the pain, but it's not like she needs a hip replacement. She's had two knee replacements, so she knows of what she speaks. Hip problems SUCK. Especially when you're 87.

If you type "dragonla" into the search box above "Read The Latest" it suggests "visit dragonfire1024's journal". Even if you type my whole name in, it never suggests me; that other dragon person stays there. I am terribly insulted. I guess it's because I am after him alphabetically. (I don't really know this other person so I am not making any comments upon his character.)

I am gearing up for National Novel Writing Month . It'll be my fourth or fifth year doing it. I win every year, not that it's difficult... I mean, it is, but, a lot of people manage to do it.
I always mean to get to more of the local meetups than I do. I have been meaning for two years now to find a local writing group. I need some kid of feedback on my writing, the closer I get to being publication-ready, and while I know there are several groups like that in Buffalo, I have yet to actually get out and find any.
I blame working nights.


My iSight doesn't seem to be working today. I leave you instead with a better picture of (e:zobar) (not by much), taken with me in a bar one night. Why did I have my laptop in a bar? It is best not to wonder too hard. Trust me, it made sense at the time.

Yesterday after I posted, (e:zobar) and I sat for like an hour in our living room, just instant-messaging photos of ourselves as we sat there taking them with our iSights. It's sort of disgusting that we have twin Macbooks but it's also darned amusing.

He sent me this:



And I retaliated with this:





It's good to know that technology is being put to constructive use, making the world a better place and all that.

I also took this picture of myself: I am holding my camera because I took pictures of Z making faces at his laptop. Those are still on the camera, though.



I spent a lot of yesterday laughing so hard that my abdominal muscles hurt today. Which is always a sign of a good weekend.

I really like the built-in webcam on my new Macbook. It's sort of stupid, and sort of vain, but I really like to just take pictures of myself with it. So I was joking that I should start putting them up on my blog. And I thought, hey wait, that would probably be a good way to remind me to update my estrip blog. I can never think of anything to write on here that I haven't already gone on and on about on LJ already, and so instead I'll just do some kind of, er, modern performance art piece by posting the grainy photos of dumb faces I make at my camera every day. :) Good for me.


I also wanted to post to ask if anyone's throwing a Halloween party this year. Because I kind of wanted to host one, but my house is really tiny, and also if someone awesome is having one, I don't want to deny myself the chance to go to their awesome party because I'm too busy hosting my own lame tiny one.

But if nobody's hosting a party, then I'll totally throw one here and we can see how many people (e:zobar) and I can fit into our tiny house.


edit: Duh, I forgot to post the photo of myself that I was talking about. *goes to choose a good one*





That's me before I got my hair cut on Friday.
And the bonus round:
After my hair cut. :)