Recap of Saturday- Spent a wonderful time with a friend I had not seen in awhile; too long really. How simple and at ease we are with each other. No matter how much times goes by, we always fall back into step. That is how it goes with my closest of friends.

During my home-purge, I placed the nicer belongings to the side with thoughts of giving these items to this particular friend. To my surprise, she showed up at my door this morning. We caught up on life as she went through the boxes of my purging efforts. She fondly laughed at my surroundings, observing the newly formed chaos- and remarked, "Care, you always get into and have fun with your projects." Sure do. I like hands-on, I like to see progress and to use my creativity and energy whenever possible. Something as simple as re organizing,re adjusting, re evaluating and re establishing my environment embodies all of that with an immediate pay off.

I am impressed with how much I have parted with. I am not at all a 'pack rat'- I prefer to keep it simple, so I guess I was impressed that I had that much to give away and still had plenty for myself. I had her pegged as the recipient of all the extra stuff as I knew that anything that she or her husband couldn't use, she could pass on to her cousin, someone I prefer to not be in contact with yet am considerate of. Other specific items will go to friends that I know could use/want/desire them. The remaining will be donated.

To bring in some extra cash, I thought of selling locally or on ebay. I am taking another look at my budget and making changes-as I prefer the comfort of operating in the plus rather than the fear of the red. However, I first want to just give things away-- simply to just get my environment fully cleaned out- top to bottom, inside and out. It is more symbolic than anything else.
Eventually I will revisit the eBay option. It could be fun, right?

The hours passed quickly. My mom stopped over in the early evening and they had a chance to chat as I went through my shelves of books. I parted with a few of those as well- with ones that I knew I would never read and ones that I know certain people will. I'd rather see them enjoyed and shared rather than collect dust.

During this past week, I now have approximately 20 extra dollars in total from found change, singles and one ten dollar bill. There are books in my collection that were pushed out of sight yet are VERY specific to my return to 'me'. There are old letters and memos that remind me of where I have been and where I am going, pictures have surfaced that reminded me of the same, a high level of energy, excitement and lightness continues- a natural and normal part of me yet had been stifled for so long. So all this has not been simply a purging as I first suspected but also an excavation. I am humbled by the experience and opportunity.

After updating and catching up on the important stuff, my friend asks, "this is so cool, what now?"

I am not sure if I am able to articulate that quite yet. I have a sense- something that I can not verbalize, but am working on, gravitating towards. I fumble to explain- explaining what I am rather than what i am not. Standing tall, gesticulating with energy, my right hand is present and future, my left hand depicting the past. I converse with passion, humor and conviction.

I am able to state what I want to learn more about, what I want to try, what I want to get back in to and that whatever I do will embrace my values, needs and essential parts of me.

I am my own organization- I do not want to be owned by any other. I have known this for a long time. However, it during this time that I have the freedom and ability to acheive this outcome. To collaborate and create something of value and fascination is vital. That is me. I do not have the malleable behaviors that are expected from certain mental models. You want someone to maintain the status quo, think inside the box, and nit pick/micro manage? You will not find it here.- it is not a natural state for me to be in. And all that I am, I will not be able to find there/with you. Passion, creativity, honest voice, genuine support and inspiration are a few of my operating standards. Neither mindset/ideal/set of behaviors/attitude are better than the other, they are just different..simply certain things are a better fit respectively- and each must find what works best. If they clash to the detriment of one or the either (or both), then decision have to be made. In a specific situations (still maintaining blog vagueness) I have allowed myself the necessessary time to learn, to try something new, to try to understand and to stand my ground- but not at the price of losing me in the process or at the price of de moralizing others. I wont and can't ever be what they want. Again, gratitude prevails- for so many things on so many levels.
The same qualities are applied to my frienships, romantic relationships, life interests and pursuits.

Unlike here, I stand before my friend and continue in detail, jumping around yet completing the picture. She gets it, as she 'gets' me. And with a knowing smile, concludes that "you know who you are" then suggests that I might get into landscaping.

where did that come from? I don't have all those skills, but I do have a knack for working with my hands, endurance and getting dirty; And for some reason, can grow amazing things outside- not so great indoors :/

Actually, she knows someone who could use 'someone like (me)'. I'm flattered. So many possibilities..

its funny how in reflection some things just make sense.



I look forward to a hike later (Sunday)- so tempted to take my XC skiis propped next to the door out for a snow quality test. Yes, Y-Town has a light layer of white fluff!!! Perhaps if I were to venture further south.. I'll find(or make) a trail. Yeesh, didn't make it out much last year if I recall correctly; not enough snow! My first time out after such a long time will be hilarious. I still havent mastered how to get up after I fall. I think that was the beginning of the end for my digital camera. Ofcourse I had to take a picture of my 'I've fallen and I can't get my ass up' - then fall again (on the camera) while trying to get up and imbed it with snow- (e:theecarey,59) Then there was that time I jumped in the freezing lake with it.. haha- (e:theecarey,52)
I should have invested in a waterproof carey resistant camera. I'll try to behave. But oh, the best (fun) pics are the most compromising ones! Hmm, as I look at the long nordic skiis, I notice a small bunch of mistletoe hanging off of the adjacent door hinge.


Well, is it now approaching 4am. I should have been in bed hours ago. I'm in the mood to engage in some creative expression- dig out the ole crayons. or pencils. or vine charcoal. or finger paint :)

but alas it is time to try for sleep and will have to wait for later.

Good night, stay warm and sweet dreams..

amongst a large array of dRiftwood, I found a perfect walking stick.

the feel of sand under my shoes, and between my fingers, a walk along woodlawn beach at dusk was refreshing.

a few pocket pc pics to follow..

This is a p:mobl post

Terry in front of me, LC to my right,
(e:terry) , (e:ladycroft) and myself worked individually in our respective corners of the taped together drawing paper.

an unplanned design, I played
with colored pencils of dark and light purples,greens and a pink.

pocket pc photos to follow..


(e:terry) 's eyeballs, triscuit and hoof-hand





(e:ladycroft) 's collage of self expression





mine- not sure what or why- I picked up the pencils and just began..







a view of it all together


it was fun

• Going to start an art project tonight- intensly personal- a living journal. Not sure how I am starting or where it is going, but it is mine mine mine. I believe it will take on a more primal element- more authentic with it being hands on, heart on.

• JOe is trying his hardest to get between me and the computer screen. He desperetly wants a rub down. And by Joe, I mean my cat and not (e:pyrcedgrrl) 's father. I've have quickly learned to make that distiction when writing ;)

• Went for a nice long walk through Y-Town and into Fort Niagara yesterday. It was cold, windy and I never fully felt warmed up on my 5 mile trek, but it was none the less refreshing. Watching the waves, listening to the wind and breathing in the icey air helped me feel centered. I felt like the world was mine. I returned well after the sun went down.

• My laptop will be back in my posession soon. It was minor stuff and so I may resume my other business projects, which wany aspects were on hiatus since the lappy went down. Good to be able to go forward again with that. YAY! I intend to immediately back everything up.. this situation freaked me out a bit.

• Had a slew of errends to do today- most were in Lewiston. I just parked my car and walked to all of them. It is blissful to not have to rush.

• feeling good, feeling energized- feeling confident overall. Have had some moments, but they were quickly rationalized and redirected.

time to get moving..

be well,
Carey

I've always wanted a 'secret garden'- now I want it in a greenhouse. How wonderful it would be to breathe and relax and meditate surounded by the warmth, smell and energy of plants (and dirt!)- any time of year.
There must be a water element as well..

so the visual textures of the Botanical Gardens- not sure how these will turn out- will bring my nifty new-ish camera next time (software is stuck in comp)