...how you can learn to trust people less and less, every day.
is that what friends are for?!
i feel like the only genuine person out here and frankly, although vindicating, it leaves sad room for company. how am i supposed to find a roomate by june at this rate? personally, i don't think i would want to live with another human being ever again. humahns are not to be trusted.
self-serving, aggrandizing, manipulative, back-biting, drama-laden, heartbreaking, sad excuses for evolution. cancer is just a symptom of how the humahn race is exceeding its limitations in the natural way of things. an affront to divinity and progress, they wallow in their self-mutilating ways, defiling their higher selves for the current fix at hand. it only makes sense that their own bodies would turn against them, as a race, to begin that grand lemming-march toward extinction.
this is another day in which i could almost feel my apocalyptic form tear itself from my water and carbon casings. sometimes it feels like my back will break open and all the rage and disgust i feel at the world will pour out and consume it in the heat of my convictions.
what good is it to connect with anyone at this rate? what does anyone have to offer that i cannot readily produce on my own?
work. work is the only thing i have control over.
and now,
its the only thing im going to focus on. everything else is just distraction.
here is a little wishful thinking for the meantime:
Vycious's Journal
My Podcast Link
12/28/2006 17:39 #37217
its amazing...Category: people
12/13/2006 06:25 #37216
sleep pains...Category: sleep
anyone ever wake up so hard, it hurt? like your entire body trembles, just from the simple act of getting up in the morning? thats how i feel about now. really, painfully, tired.hopefully, i wont have to drive anywhere far away today- cause mr. sandman handed me a bag of bricks to carry this morning.
seriously painful awakening. more and more often every day.
im sure ill be fine by about 9am.
have a good morning, estrip.
seriously painful awakening. more and more often every day.
im sure ill be fine by about 9am.
have a good morning, estrip.
12/11/2006 16:56 #37215
somebody has a case of the mondays....Category: indentured servitude
i woke up this morning and my phone was unplugged. this must be the 4th or 5th time my cat, yoda, had knocked over the answering machine and pulled the cords out.
no more than 20 minutes after i plug the phone in and finish my shower, i get a call from my boss telling me that i didn't have that floating holiday i thought i used to take off the day after enknots party. that, and even tho i was told not to come in until tuesday, they had been trying to reach me all day to get me to go out to syracuse for a pickup. long story short- my boss is going to have to cut a sales meeting in rochester short, tomorrow, to do that pickup they needed today from syracuse. so he is picking me up from my apt at 6am, so i can go to pittsburgh to drop off some work we received from them for the weekend.
im trying to look dependable here, and even tho im sure little blame can be placed on me for the past two days of poor administrative planning, its hard not to feel like these people can feel vindicated about an image of ineptitude on my part.
man, I've only been awake for an hour at the most, and today is already rough. soon enough they will issue me a cell phone. i can only wonder how much excessive flack will be expected for me to address in the future. this makes me wonder if the almost 20% pay hike I've been promised is even worth it. I've been there three years and even tho i just received this double promotion, it just dosent seem enough, sometimes.
whats worse, is finding a job with my current is close to impossible. im hardly ever in the city during the workday- as im out of town doing deliveries... or when i am in town, i am too occupied with my duties to do anything other than my job.
originally i had planned on going to the dept of labor (unemployment), to see if they could look for jobs for me, since i wouldnt have much time to dedicate in my sometimes 14-hour-work-day to do so. now what am i supposed to do? im beginning to feel like im an indentured servant here. is this paranoia? can i get some advise or support here? work always seems to bring out the anxiety in me.
on another note, yes, i had a great time at enknots party. i wouldnt trade those memories (or lack thereov), for any amount of credit i would get at work for being a mind reader.
no more than 20 minutes after i plug the phone in and finish my shower, i get a call from my boss telling me that i didn't have that floating holiday i thought i used to take off the day after enknots party. that, and even tho i was told not to come in until tuesday, they had been trying to reach me all day to get me to go out to syracuse for a pickup. long story short- my boss is going to have to cut a sales meeting in rochester short, tomorrow, to do that pickup they needed today from syracuse. so he is picking me up from my apt at 6am, so i can go to pittsburgh to drop off some work we received from them for the weekend.
im trying to look dependable here, and even tho im sure little blame can be placed on me for the past two days of poor administrative planning, its hard not to feel like these people can feel vindicated about an image of ineptitude on my part.
man, I've only been awake for an hour at the most, and today is already rough. soon enough they will issue me a cell phone. i can only wonder how much excessive flack will be expected for me to address in the future. this makes me wonder if the almost 20% pay hike I've been promised is even worth it. I've been there three years and even tho i just received this double promotion, it just dosent seem enough, sometimes.
whats worse, is finding a job with my current is close to impossible. im hardly ever in the city during the workday- as im out of town doing deliveries... or when i am in town, i am too occupied with my duties to do anything other than my job.
originally i had planned on going to the dept of labor (unemployment), to see if they could look for jobs for me, since i wouldnt have much time to dedicate in my sometimes 14-hour-work-day to do so. now what am i supposed to do? im beginning to feel like im an indentured servant here. is this paranoia? can i get some advise or support here? work always seems to bring out the anxiety in me.
on another note, yes, i had a great time at enknots party. i wouldnt trade those memories (or lack thereov), for any amount of credit i would get at work for being a mind reader.
vincent - 12/12/06 00:18
I hear you on the job thing. To be honest this is what I have done in case of emergency. Just in case I have to abandon ship I registered myself with a few temp agencies in town. With the possibility of doing some shit b.s. job for a short period of time just to have some cash flow. So if the time case I could just call them up the next day and say "I'm available, I'll take that for 3 or 4 days a week." The logic being that hopefully I'll have a soft landing with being in a position to earn just enough to pay for my C.O.B.R.A. until I find something else.
I hear you on the job thing. To be honest this is what I have done in case of emergency. Just in case I have to abandon ship I registered myself with a few temp agencies in town. With the possibility of doing some shit b.s. job for a short period of time just to have some cash flow. So if the time case I could just call them up the next day and say "I'm available, I'll take that for 3 or 4 days a week." The logic being that hopefully I'll have a soft landing with being in a position to earn just enough to pay for my C.O.B.R.A. until I find something else.
theecarey - 12/11/06 21:40
If you feel like your work 'owns' you and you find yourself with no time for anything but work, and you are not feeling good about being there, then yeh, its a good indicator of needing to figure out your next step.
There are choices out there.
I agree with Joshua, that what you do isnt who you are. But I am betting that right now with all the time you spend at work and all the time that you think about work (and now that they will be issuing you a cell phone.."ummm, yeh, about those TPS reports..") what you DO is who you are (not that you want that)-- Now a 'floating holiday' snagged back on a weekend, compounded by administrative ineptitude (not yours) and any slew of other BS-- jeez,feeling empty, friend?
I know the work induced anxiety feeling--however it gives me the fuel to figure out what I want/need from a job and what is needed to have balance in life. Embrace it. Use it to keep you from becoming complacent. Use it to find better-- not parallel-- but *better*. A sucky work schedule makes it close to impossible to do the enjoyable things outside of work. The very things that make less than ideal work bearable. It doesnt sound like you have a 9-5er that leaves your evenings and weekends free to unwind, to where you could find balance.
Form a plan- Determine what it is that you want. How long can you maintain your sanity at this job? Do you have any negotiating power--as in, can you set limits/standards of expectations?
I am sure you have got bills to pay and you dont want to jump ship without knowing what you are doing next. Do you have any sick time? Any days that you can force your schedule to fit in some job search/interviews? Or perhaps you can stash away your cash and build up enough to live a few weeks or more off of? Online search agents? DOL may have one as well. Network ad tell every one you know what kind of work you are looking for..
You'll better when you feel like you are in control again.
Promotions sometimes dont have the pay off in the way that we expect them too..
ok. i have said enough, already.
If you feel like your work 'owns' you and you find yourself with no time for anything but work, and you are not feeling good about being there, then yeh, its a good indicator of needing to figure out your next step.
There are choices out there.
I agree with Joshua, that what you do isnt who you are. But I am betting that right now with all the time you spend at work and all the time that you think about work (and now that they will be issuing you a cell phone.."ummm, yeh, about those TPS reports..") what you DO is who you are (not that you want that)-- Now a 'floating holiday' snagged back on a weekend, compounded by administrative ineptitude (not yours) and any slew of other BS-- jeez,feeling empty, friend?
I know the work induced anxiety feeling--however it gives me the fuel to figure out what I want/need from a job and what is needed to have balance in life. Embrace it. Use it to keep you from becoming complacent. Use it to find better-- not parallel-- but *better*. A sucky work schedule makes it close to impossible to do the enjoyable things outside of work. The very things that make less than ideal work bearable. It doesnt sound like you have a 9-5er that leaves your evenings and weekends free to unwind, to where you could find balance.
Form a plan- Determine what it is that you want. How long can you maintain your sanity at this job? Do you have any negotiating power--as in, can you set limits/standards of expectations?
I am sure you have got bills to pay and you dont want to jump ship without knowing what you are doing next. Do you have any sick time? Any days that you can force your schedule to fit in some job search/interviews? Or perhaps you can stash away your cash and build up enough to live a few weeks or more off of? Online search agents? DOL may have one as well. Network ad tell every one you know what kind of work you are looking for..
You'll better when you feel like you are in control again.
Promotions sometimes dont have the pay off in the way that we expect them too..
ok. i have said enough, already.
joshua - 12/11/06 20:45
They are the ones responsible for scheduling? If so, they are responsible for cleaning up the mess if an employee is not reachable. And how is it that you had a floating holiday then suddenly didn't?
In all honesty, it sounds like they were the ones that planned poorly and you can hardly be blamed for that. It is absolutely impossible for them to lay blame on you based on the facts as I've read them.
As for the rest of your journal - you are stressed, my gawd! I know exactly what you mean about your job, TRUST ME. My only bit of advice is that you shouldn't let your work twist you up like this - ultimately working is just a means to an end and while its always important to think about progression, a 'career,' etc. I've always thought that what you do isn't who you are. And if what you do IS who you are... then that kind of person leads an empty life.
Do what you need to do and try to find ways to enjoy yourself along the way.
They are the ones responsible for scheduling? If so, they are responsible for cleaning up the mess if an employee is not reachable. And how is it that you had a floating holiday then suddenly didn't?
In all honesty, it sounds like they were the ones that planned poorly and you can hardly be blamed for that. It is absolutely impossible for them to lay blame on you based on the facts as I've read them.
As for the rest of your journal - you are stressed, my gawd! I know exactly what you mean about your job, TRUST ME. My only bit of advice is that you shouldn't let your work twist you up like this - ultimately working is just a means to an end and while its always important to think about progression, a 'career,' etc. I've always thought that what you do isn't who you are. And if what you do IS who you are... then that kind of person leads an empty life.
Do what you need to do and try to find ways to enjoy yourself along the way.
12/06/2006 18:48 #37214
GAH!Category: yoda
i just got up from switching my laundry to find that yoda has destroyed yet another set of nice headphones.
now, i have to go to walgreens to buy some new ones. again. fucking cats.
now, i have to go to walgreens to buy some new ones. again. fucking cats.
11/29/2006 21:10 #37213
worse... or better?Category: worse or better?
open rejection, or feigned interest?
oh yeah, and I've been told im getting promoted.
oh yeah, and I've been told im getting promoted.
jenks - 11/30/06 13:36
Yeah I agree too. Sure it hurts/sucks to be rejected, but I think it's infinitely preferable to know, than to wonder/agonize.
Yeah I agree too. Sure it hurts/sucks to be rejected, but I think it's infinitely preferable to know, than to wonder/agonize.
jasoninbuffalo - 11/30/06 13:08
open rejection dude....if you are talking about a chick....the worse thing in the world is to waste time and energy on a girl who you think likes you when in all reality she is just bored or killing time. I prefer to get the rejection out of the way early, kind of like my mother did to me right after I was born.
open rejection dude....if you are talking about a chick....the worse thing in the world is to waste time and energy on a girl who you think likes you when in all reality she is just bored or killing time. I prefer to get the rejection out of the way early, kind of like my mother did to me right after I was born.
mrmike - 11/29/06 21:41
I concur
I concur
joshua - 11/29/06 21:32
Open rejection, absolutely, 100%.
Its better to know bad news than to not know, stew about it, wonder, hope, etc. Its not the easiest way but its the best way.
Open rejection, absolutely, 100%.
Its better to know bad news than to not know, stew about it, wonder, hope, etc. Its not the easiest way but its the best way.
Oh, Yea I have been there many times. You know it's like Shaq is palming your frontal lobes and your joints jus ache.
The only way to beat that is to stay in bed until 11.
BTW add me on your myspace. I just love your backround pic overlooking the bar @ Club Diablo. That is so kick ass!
are you eating something right before bed? If I eat someting (particularly sugar) before bed i wake up with a jolt, and feel very Blah in the morning
"anyone ever wake up so hard, it hurt?" hahaha. I totally misinterpreted that one at first.