could it be happieness? ha ha, this early on a sunday, no one has stars. i just had an unsatisfying meal of pig ass and chicken periods. happy sunday!!!

talked to my bro (the only one of 6 i'm close to, somehow i've really fucked up as a sister, or perhaps the problem is having brothers) about money, capitalism, bitterness, the ridiculousness of going to mars, etc. he is so bright i am a bit scared for him. he has a boatload of talent. he writes *really good* lyrics, poems, draws these amazing and fucked up pictures, and picked up bass like a paperclip on the floor. but, and i told him this, at 16 he has the fine tang of bitterness of a 70 year old who worked in a factory for 50 and got a pocketwatch for his retirement. he's bright in a way that could burn out really quick, because hatred and bitterness and resentment about the way the world works only gets you so far. it's strange for me, having thought and felt some of the same ways as he does, but now looking back and seeing what "work" "responsibility" "maturity" the "real world" have done to all those ideas/ideals. makes me feel like a sellout, stripped of some former youthful idealistic passion. but for things, for life, sad but true, the do re mi is necessary. he hasn't gotten a job yet, and knows he already hates it. but i am glad he's not asleep in some hilfiger haze, hanging out at the mall (yeahsaralet'sburnitbytheway) and saying 'sup all the time. HE THINKS, BY JOB! HIS HEART BLEEDS, GODDAMNIT!





secondhand heels cause falls on ice
a program might catch you
stretching gently and harmlesslike
you the star in the grid
of some one sky or another

not today.
you think: i fucking need new boots


like i said, manic. is this your homework larry. larry is this your fucking homework. is this your fucking HOMEwork larry.

i mean pure rage. like when a lid won't screw off or a shoelace won't go through the hole and you try and try and it just won't? what do you do when that happens? i think responses to that situation are hilarious, so let me know.

i am getting strangely paranoid about things i never ever would have imagined i would have before. something in my brita? (HA) ohthatwassuchabadjoket... but, there it is. such as the creeping certainty that the "good" beef, "good" eggs etc i buy, priced, what, 30 or so % higher than the "bad", are just the same as all the other shit, and the corporate viejos are all having a huge laugh at dupes such as me "sensitive" about where my food comes from.
also, to help out a friend i submitted to a demo of a vacuum drunk on its own power, and was abhorred to the point of near vomit at the shit this thing pulled up from my carpet/couch/ceiling/mattress. now i don't like a scummy ass house or anything, but neither am i a freak about the things i can't see. but this thing made me all afraid of the shit i *might be* breathing in, and all the dust mites and dust motes, eating and shitting and breeding everywhere, all over everything in the house. cost of the vaccum? oh, just $1500. (hmm, travel just about *anywhere,* or buy this vacuum? haha) paranoia will cost you, i guess.
there are other little examples, but why count when i just know it ain't right. i don't think it's me, i definitely suspect the world and all its bling flash whirr is up to its dirty tricks all the time, but of course what does that sound like?

ran across the glimpse of a delightedly dramatized life again today. it seems i desperately want out of the role i have writ for myself, strengthened after seeing a play. plays are so fucked up, as mirrors of sorts, and i wonder if acting might be something i should try. but isn't that what everyone wants. drama, and more of the same, s'il vous plait. i want to say i'm interested in real life, whatever that may mean, in being a real person, doing real things and being true. but the truth of that is, it bores me terribly. i have tried, with so much struggle and little success, to "know myself" or whatever. i'm quite sick of it, actually. the answer seems simple, go ahead and write these worlds around me, if i want them so badly (gasp:do i dare? and do i dare?), go ahead and live them: stroll down streets with a parasol and in gloves 'how do you do'ing everyone, drink sloe gin fizzes all day out of martini glasses in 40s underwear speaking bad french, order dinners in piratese, what's to stop me, dammit?! fear. fear, fear, fear, fear, all senseless, but so powerful, a loaded 'that might make me leave this life behind' kind of pandering. a stupid thing to be afraid of? when that might be exactly the thing. when this one is driving me slowly insane.
maybe i need to do more drugs to live the life i (think i) want. but maybe that's the easy way, and i have been taking that way for a very long time.

Attention All Partisans of Subversive Theatre
Coming Up Next:
the Black leader they're hoping you'll forget . .
PAUL ROBESON SPEAKS OUT!
by Phillip Hayes Dean
What?
PAUL ROBESON SPEAKS OUT! is a two-hour, two-act, one-man biographical play by Phillip Hayes Dean presented in collaboration with the Buffalo Ensemble Theatre.
Who?
Our production stars veteran actor/director Willie W. Judson, Jr. in the title role with musical accompaniment by Louis Irving under the direction of Kurt Schneiderman.
Where?
All shows are held at the New Phoenix Theatre on the Park at 95 North Johnson Park just two blocks from the corner of Elmwood & Chippewa.
When?
Opening night is Thursday,
February 5th at 8pm. This is our only Thursday performance. After that, shows are Fridays & Saturdays at 8pm and Sundays at 6pm for three weekends through February 22nd.
How Much?
We're talking about art not fast food. Like all Subversive Theatre productions, PAUL ROBESON SPEAKS OUT! is free and open to anyone who is open-minded enough to come and see it.
But our lofty ideals don't pay the bills. Therefore, we will gratefully accept donations immediately following each performance.
Hear Ye ! Hear Ye !
For our production of the inspiring one-man play PAUL ROBESON SPEAKS OUT! we are very exited to feature veteran actor/director Willie W. Judson, Jr. in the title role as the incomparable Black actor, singer, orator, and activist. Not the first time following in Robeson's footsteps, Judson starred in the Irish Classical Theatre's 2000 rendition of EMPEROR JONES in the role immortalized by Robeson in 1925.
PAUL ROBESON SPEAKS OUT! is directed by Subversive Theatre's Founder & Artistic Director Kurt Schneiderman.
This deeply passionate two act biographical drama re-kindles Robeson's fighting spirit from his early days as the third Black man ever admitted to Rutger's University in 1915 right on through to his defiant stand against McCarthyism in the 1950s.
About the Play
Written under the title of simply PAUL ROBESON, this piece has twice been performed on Broadway. First by James Earl Jones in 1979 and then again by Avery Brooks (that's right, the Commander from Deep Space Nine) in 1995.
Called a "wonderfully moving play" by the New York Post, PAUL ROBESON SPEAKS OUT! has been seen in almost every city in America (including neighboring Rochester in 1997 and Cleveland in 2001), except our own home town.
We are very proud to present the Buffalo premiere of this empowering historical filibuster.

Who was Paul Robeson ?
Famous for his performances in SHOWBOAT and EMPEROR JONES, the first Black man to ever portray Othello on an American stage, notorious for his tours of the Soviet Union, outspoken in his support for leftist forces in the Spanish Civil War, a leader in the fight for civil rights, union right, and anti-lynching legislation, a lawyer, a film star, an All-American college football athlete, a world-renown singer -- there's little Paul Robeson did not do.
A household name throughout the 1930s, 40s, and 50s, his opposition to the Korean War, his close ties with the Soviet Union, and his involvement with international peace efforts all contirbuted to his eventual investigation by the House Un-American Activities Committee in 1956 and his virtual deletion from American history.
Thankfully, this play helps revive Robeson's fighting spirit. We hope you'll join us in keeping the legacy of this great Black activist alive!

Harrassment Sucks