I am not sure if I know how to use a paper journal anymore! I seem to have lost the ability to write. I mean, literally- how do I use this thing called a pen?? (heh, and does it have a back space?)

Anyone else have this problem??

How long have you been writing, in any means??

I sit here with a pen and a plain, lined notebook. It is about a quarter full, with the last entry dating back a month. Entries for the past year are scant, although some things needed to be written there as opposed to here or even over at Live Journal.

I used to supplement my paper writing with an occasional post to my LiveJournal, which I have maintained for five or six years now. I have been writing consistently in a paper journals for fifteen years, and not so regularly for over twenty years. I still have almost all of it. I also have a collection of bad poetry, story lines and other writing attempts beyond my personal opinion/thoughts of everything.

It is wild to look back over the years. I havent pulled out the old journals in quite awhile, although I have been meaning to. It is fascinating to see where I have been, as I have been writing since I was 8 years old, atleast. Ha, imagine the stuff you would (or have?) come up with at eight years of age. What would you have written about??

I called my notebook a "diary" (although hated that word and looked for something else) until I was 14, then switched to the term, "journal" and have stuck with that ever since. Now I have to keep myself from calling it a blog, haha.

Anyway, I was in an off mood for awhile earlier. I wrote a semi rant, which turned out to be really pathetic, as my "bad moods" are really nothing notable. I concluded that I am destined to be mentally stable and lovable 363 days out of the year. Forgive me ;)

I had decided to write this so-called rant in another location, such as my paper journal, but suddenly couldn't function with the blank lines and pen in hand. I used to write all of the time. I think I need to walk into a deserted forest and sit down on the mossy earth and re acquaint myself with the pen. I figured that in this past year (ten months, two weeks-if anyone is counting), I have averaged less than one paper entry per month; albeit that when I do write, it is a locquacious entry, but those who have been on the receiving end, know that my electronic posts, comments and emails tend to run on the lengthy side :)

So here I am, writing in (e:strip) and all is right with my world again. Ahh, backspace, you are my friend.

(e:Paul) , what have you done? ;)

...and whatever it is, thank you very much for doing it, your efforts are much appreciated!

I knew it!!

I rarely answer my phone if I do not recognize the name or number. In the past month or so, I have received numerous phonecalls from a credit agency.This company never leaves messages and I really have no idea what they would be calling for, unless it is a wrong number, or for another reason that I can't wrap my mind around.

I pay all of my bills on time and I have no outstanding debt other than my student loans. I do have a little sitauation with Blockbuster, but correspondance has been through snail mail. I am banned from the Blockbuster in Lewiston for supposedly not returning some lame ass movie I rented months ago. They can't seem to believe that I returned it with the other movies and that one of their employees must have walked off with it. (I pushed it into drop slot and went on my way.. ) So yeh, once I have time I feel like devoting to this matter, I will write them back, or buy a $5 copy of said lame ass movie and shove up their... movie return slot ;)

anyhow, the credit agency call has perplexed me.

Until I began thinking about it..

I began to feel a little paranoid with where my thought process was taking me..

I have mentioned the so-called stalker in prior posts.

I mentioned that he finally made contact a month or so ago. (e:Theecarey,160)

Then he stopped.

But then this credit agency number has been popping up on my caller id.

And this agency never leaves messages, although I know they call.

Just like this guy who calls.

And so today, I was surprised to hear a message from him.

"Hi Carey, its ******; just calling to say how pretty you are.."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and

then I thought to check my caller id.

His number didn't show up.

But that credit agency number does.

heh. coincidence?

I think he works for a bill collector now, no?

And bill collectors have fabulous search tools..

k- just thought I would publicly document it while I was thinking about it.


seriously, do you think it is harmless or reason for concern?

I don't feel threatened.. I just think he is infatuated.

Maybe he thinks he is being sweet?

I don't want this to be a reason for concern...

oy.

k- off to watch Office Space for the fifth time this week :)

I made my annual appearance at the artfest with (e:pyrcedgrrl)


Other than last minute Christmas shopping, it is one of the few times that I purposely set out to be amongst hordes of people. I don't go to eat, drink or buy anthing that the vendors* are selling. In the past, I have enjoyed looking at and thoughtfully thinking about some of the art on display. This year, the creative offerings were scant and the amount of people meandering about were high.

If I wanted a large wooden sign that told me which direction Parrot Bay and Margaritaville were located, then I was in business. For anything else, I had to work my way into the tents and quickly get my visual fill before being edged out back into the masses.

I enjoyed this, I really did. I choose to come each year, and even with this years excess volume, I stayed for a good amount of time. Even so, it was a bit insane at times, with the plethora of baby carriages and piles of conversationalists standing in the center of the already overly crowded walking area.

I thought it would be useful to have the set of water gun-oozies that I contemplated buying at BJs the night before. I entertained the idea of taking people out via a really good super-soaking- yet I would tell them first: "You have been targeted for annihilation" - ok, I admit I said this out loud a few times...

(I am a peaceful person, but I have this creative-fun imagination that makes for an odd combination at times.)

Eventually this thought morphed into the creation of a computer game. I envsioned the art festival as a kung fu fighting SIMS game. (I put in a few practice high kicks for authenticity) I have all of the details in my head and did a fairly good job of expaining my thoughts to (e:pyrcedgrrl) while we were wading through the crowd. If I could just get the ideas that are in my head, out. Oh, I can see the details..

I did see a few (e:peeps) today from a far. (e:zobar) and (e:dragonlady7) were so close, yet so far away! I didn't try to make it five feet over to where the both of you were--I am not sure if I would have made it in time! (e:metalpeter) was spotted as well- I don't have a loud enough voice for you to have heard my 'shout'. Other than that and a few non-peep friends, I was surprised that I didn't encounter more friends than I did.

Before leaving the area, we stopped into the co-op. I was in much need of my beloved french indigo lentils- I havent found them anywhere but the co-op so far. I've either been binging on lentils or my last trip was not the stock piling I made it out to be, as I couldn't find any in my cupboards (indigo variety).

Gleefully I made my way to the bulk section. I made sure to double bag before filling it with two pounds of the dark beans. As I tossed the bag into my cart, I hear the sound of two pounds of lentils cascading onto the floor. I quickly grabbed the torn bag and managed to save approximately a pounds worth. A worker came over and cleaned up the carnage, and I wandered off, wondering if they tossed them in the garbage or tossed them back into the lentil bin?

Not sure if I believe that it is Sunday night already. It felt like the weekend just begun!

Just a reminder that "An Inconvenient Truth" is showing this coming Friday-- (e:theecarey,166)

Good night everyone!

• (Please note that the term, "vendor" has replaced "artist", in that over the past year (and more notably this year), that there is much more of the former than of the latter.)

I was going through files on my very old desktop computer when I happened upon a small selection of e-mail that I apparently saved many years ago. I was surprised to find these, as when I did save an email, it was to the "filing cabinet" of AOL, uh, 4.0? haha.

So almost eight years ago these emails were written back and forth between myself and then "boy friend", now special friend of mine, whom I am still in occasional contact with. I wish I had more than what I do, if only for the time frame in which all this occured and that he and I have always had a spectacular rapport--he now married with kid, etc. We simply talked about everything. Although it was deep and multidimensional, it still had that "when I grow up" quality to it.

I havent read through all of them yet, even though I only have a few. It will be interesting to see where I was at in my thinking and observations of life, eight years ago. In the past couple of days, I have pondered the changes that have occured within me not only in the past few years (which have been significant) but those over my lifetime. How easily my life could have taken a few different directions (not for better) and I contemplate which points in my life were the catalysts for change (for the better).

I found a few other random emails and word documents written in a journal entry type fashion. I am always reticent to read old writings. Yet my curiosity of where I have been usually takes over- in which I read, ruminate then eventually write some more.

On that note, I will end this post. I leave you with a.. "poem"? My friend shared it with me so many years ago. At the time, I thought it was sweet, yet it didn't really mean anything to me, and didn't really get why he shared it with me. Funny that despite that, I remembered the first line of the poem over these years. It is only now that I decided to try to find the entire story. What motivated me was that I saw reference to it in one of the emails; and out of curiouslty, I looked for it.

Now I get it.

It is very simple and sappy.. but it made me teary eyed, I admit--which surprises me a bit.

And that is a reminder of the changes within, over time.




ROSES FOR MY VALENTINE

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.

The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."
"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."
"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."

She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...

"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."
"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

-Author Unknown

• My sweet, dear, co-worker who has a heart of gold and is someone I truly admire and enjoy working with, mentiond yesterday that she is very superstitious of 666.

heh 06-06-06

(btw, I dig the theme, (e:paul) )

So, like the supportive co worker that I am---


She arrived at work this morning to find her locker plastered with devil horns, upside down crosses and flames. (I work in a school, staff get lockers as well as the kiddos).

We love you Melissa.

I truly fear your retaliation, yet I look forward to it. You only look sweet and innocent :)

• On a related note, I found myself at Walmart yesterday watching Jerry Springer; "Beer Belly Brawlers" had my undivided attention. How does it go..? "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" (e:vincent) and (e:pyrcedgrrl) received exclusive texts of this news. Dont be jealous! ;)

To think, that only now do I realize what I have been missing (and in my 30 years, thats ok with me). I never watched it before, although I knew enough about the show to keep me from doing just that. I never watched much day time tv as the talk shows seemed like something that would stress me out. I am not a fan of the explosion of so-called reality tv, either.

How did I happen upon Jerry?

Leaving work I noticed that my front passenger tire had a large bulge. I went to the nearest tire place to have it replaced...

Walmart took my car keys and proceeded to hold my car hostage for two hours. Refusing to use the time to go shopping, I sat in the waiting area and amused myself with reading about the worker qualifications plastered on the wall, tire repair guides, and the rivoting reading of cardboard boxes full of "lounge coffee" placed under the greasy coffee maker. After I was through with that entertainment, I turned to the televison, set to Jerry Springer.

I tried not to look. I really didn't want to.. but I did. At first I just glanced at the tv. Then I began to watch a little more out of the corner of my eye, then I found myself settled into the waiting room chair, watching the show with full attention. I was laughing too much.. people ripping their clothes off, hitting each other, putting each other down, etc. I assume this is classic Jerry? However, this was a one time deal.

Shortly after the show, I found myself wandering the store. I come back with: One fitted sheet, a 74oz water jug and a note pad. (*does not mention 12 seasons of Jerry Springer on DVD* hehe- kidding )

Whatever, I was sucked in to wandering the store. Immediately after the purchase, my car was done. Coincidental?

I said that I wanted to take my tire home with me (I am sentimental..)-- actually, I intend to show my regular car person this sudden bulge. I also mentioned that under no circumstances are they to move my front seat forward, for if they do, I will not be able to re adjust the seat and will have to drive with my knees up on the dashboard (my car is sweet--want to buy it? haha). They took note of that..

Now, of four doors, only two open. Drivers door and rear passenger. I kneeled on the chair and watched through the waiting room window as the mechanic tried to put the tire into my car. From the driver door, he attempted to unlock the back door. When that did not happen, he tried unlocking the back door by reaching into the back seat and playing with the lock. He tried this a few times, before going around to the front passenger side (also permenantly locked) to try to get that door open. After that failed attempt, he opened the trunk. My trunk is already full of stuff (and it looked like something jumped out at him), so there was no room for the tire there. I didn't know what he decided to do next as I was called up to pay my bill.

What I concluded is that he did not try the only remaining option- the rear passenger door, as when I went to retrieve my car, the tire was propped up against my car. I picked it up, went around the side of the car and tossed it into the backseat. At that point I noticed that I had one Nisson hubcap put on my car- I drive a Pontiac. (atleast for a few more days..I am looking into buying another car asap-besides, I need something worthy to place my (e:strip) bumper stickers on!).

I giggled and drove away.

• To unwind after the Walmart Adventure and to replace the Springer visuals that are most likely burned into my retinas, I headed into Fort Niagara. Feeling a little 'tired', I figured a brisk walk would re energize me. There were so many people there, that I felt like my territory had been invaded. After I took note of the high proportion of mini vans, I concluded that the soccer moms and dads were taking home their aspiring little athletes. Soccer and yachting season is big around these parts- I look forward to Level Regatta weekend every year. A weekend of sailboat races towards the end of July. It brings in people from all over the place!

Fortunately the park was clearing out as I headed in. I just have to remind myself that the state park is not mine; that I have to share.. atleast for the summer months :)

As always, the Niagara River was gorgeous! I walked all over the park, up and down hills, viewed the early part of the sunset over Lake Ontario and kept on walking until it became almost too dark to see. I stood on top of the giant sledding hill and enjoyed the warm raindrops. An hour or so later, I headed back home..

Now I wrap up this post and try to muster the mental energy to work on a school project...

Later, peeps

Carey