I was going through files on my very old desktop computer when I happened upon a small selection of e-mail that I apparently saved many years ago. I was surprised to find these, as when I did save an email, it was to the "filing cabinet" of AOL, uh, 4.0? haha.

So almost eight years ago these emails were written back and forth between myself and then "boy friend", now special friend of mine, whom I am still in occasional contact with. I wish I had more than what I do, if only for the time frame in which all this occured and that he and I have always had a spectacular rapport--he now married with kid, etc. We simply talked about everything. Although it was deep and multidimensional, it still had that "when I grow up" quality to it.

I havent read through all of them yet, even though I only have a few. It will be interesting to see where I was at in my thinking and observations of life, eight years ago. In the past couple of days, I have pondered the changes that have occured within me not only in the past few years (which have been significant) but those over my lifetime. How easily my life could have taken a few different directions (not for better) and I contemplate which points in my life were the catalysts for change (for the better).

I found a few other random emails and word documents written in a journal entry type fashion. I am always reticent to read old writings. Yet my curiosity of where I have been usually takes over- in which I read, ruminate then eventually write some more.

On that note, I will end this post. I leave you with a.. "poem"? My friend shared it with me so many years ago. At the time, I thought it was sweet, yet it didn't really mean anything to me, and didn't really get why he shared it with me. Funny that despite that, I remembered the first line of the poem over these years. It is only now that I decided to try to find the entire story. What motivated me was that I saw reference to it in one of the emails; and out of curiouslty, I looked for it.

Now I get it.

It is very simple and sappy.. but it made me teary eyed, I admit--which surprises me a bit.

And that is a reminder of the changes within, over time.




ROSES FOR MY VALENTINE

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.

The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."
"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."
"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."

She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...

"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."
"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

-Author Unknown

• My sweet, dear, co-worker who has a heart of gold and is someone I truly admire and enjoy working with, mentiond yesterday that she is very superstitious of 666.

heh 06-06-06

(btw, I dig the theme, (e:paul) )

So, like the supportive co worker that I am---


She arrived at work this morning to find her locker plastered with devil horns, upside down crosses and flames. (I work in a school, staff get lockers as well as the kiddos).

We love you Melissa.

I truly fear your retaliation, yet I look forward to it. You only look sweet and innocent :)

• On a related note, I found myself at Walmart yesterday watching Jerry Springer; "Beer Belly Brawlers" had my undivided attention. How does it go..? "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" (e:vincent) and (e:pyrcedgrrl) received exclusive texts of this news. Dont be jealous! ;)

To think, that only now do I realize what I have been missing (and in my 30 years, thats ok with me). I never watched it before, although I knew enough about the show to keep me from doing just that. I never watched much day time tv as the talk shows seemed like something that would stress me out. I am not a fan of the explosion of so-called reality tv, either.

How did I happen upon Jerry?

Leaving work I noticed that my front passenger tire had a large bulge. I went to the nearest tire place to have it replaced...

Walmart took my car keys and proceeded to hold my car hostage for two hours. Refusing to use the time to go shopping, I sat in the waiting area and amused myself with reading about the worker qualifications plastered on the wall, tire repair guides, and the rivoting reading of cardboard boxes full of "lounge coffee" placed under the greasy coffee maker. After I was through with that entertainment, I turned to the televison, set to Jerry Springer.

I tried not to look. I really didn't want to.. but I did. At first I just glanced at the tv. Then I began to watch a little more out of the corner of my eye, then I found myself settled into the waiting room chair, watching the show with full attention. I was laughing too much.. people ripping their clothes off, hitting each other, putting each other down, etc. I assume this is classic Jerry? However, this was a one time deal.

Shortly after the show, I found myself wandering the store. I come back with: One fitted sheet, a 74oz water jug and a note pad. (*does not mention 12 seasons of Jerry Springer on DVD* hehe- kidding )

Whatever, I was sucked in to wandering the store. Immediately after the purchase, my car was done. Coincidental?

I said that I wanted to take my tire home with me (I am sentimental..)-- actually, I intend to show my regular car person this sudden bulge. I also mentioned that under no circumstances are they to move my front seat forward, for if they do, I will not be able to re adjust the seat and will have to drive with my knees up on the dashboard (my car is sweet--want to buy it? haha). They took note of that..

Now, of four doors, only two open. Drivers door and rear passenger. I kneeled on the chair and watched through the waiting room window as the mechanic tried to put the tire into my car. From the driver door, he attempted to unlock the back door. When that did not happen, he tried unlocking the back door by reaching into the back seat and playing with the lock. He tried this a few times, before going around to the front passenger side (also permenantly locked) to try to get that door open. After that failed attempt, he opened the trunk. My trunk is already full of stuff (and it looked like something jumped out at him), so there was no room for the tire there. I didn't know what he decided to do next as I was called up to pay my bill.

What I concluded is that he did not try the only remaining option- the rear passenger door, as when I went to retrieve my car, the tire was propped up against my car. I picked it up, went around the side of the car and tossed it into the backseat. At that point I noticed that I had one Nisson hubcap put on my car- I drive a Pontiac. (atleast for a few more days..I am looking into buying another car asap-besides, I need something worthy to place my (e:strip) bumper stickers on!).

I giggled and drove away.

• To unwind after the Walmart Adventure and to replace the Springer visuals that are most likely burned into my retinas, I headed into Fort Niagara. Feeling a little 'tired', I figured a brisk walk would re energize me. There were so many people there, that I felt like my territory had been invaded. After I took note of the high proportion of mini vans, I concluded that the soccer moms and dads were taking home their aspiring little athletes. Soccer and yachting season is big around these parts- I look forward to Level Regatta weekend every year. A weekend of sailboat races towards the end of July. It brings in people from all over the place!

Fortunately the park was clearing out as I headed in. I just have to remind myself that the state park is not mine; that I have to share.. atleast for the summer months :)

As always, the Niagara River was gorgeous! I walked all over the park, up and down hills, viewed the early part of the sunset over Lake Ontario and kept on walking until it became almost too dark to see. I stood on top of the giant sledding hill and enjoyed the warm raindrops. An hour or so later, I headed back home..

Now I wrap up this post and try to muster the mental energy to work on a school project...

Later, peeps

Carey

I was wrong.

I left a comment in (e:carolinian,3) post regarding Niagara Mohawk, er, excuse me.. National Grid online payment services. National Grid has been fine so far. I wote about my observation that the site is not user friendly and is not conucive to making a quick and easy payment; something that is beneficial to both the company (they get their money) and the customer (you get it out of the way and don't have to search for or steal stamps from friends 'cause you are too lazy to go to the PO.)


How am I mistaken?

Well, I just went online to pay my National Fuel bill. It is their site that is the enigma. It is kind of like a treasure hunt (something I would normally really like), however as you navigate the site (take a guess as to where you pay your bill), that once you finally arrive and have 13 pages across the bottom of your browser, the prize is that you get to pay your bill. Not quite what I expect from a treasure hunt. I should atleast be presented with a balloon and maybe some words of wisdom. Or some ibuprofen.

Or a view of an on going log of how much time it takes me to find my bill each time. Customers could try to beat their own score. oh, make it a competition across all customers! Highlight reel score, baby! There can be month end commentary on the strategies used to get to the bill paying portion of the site. And for some, a support group.

hmmm, I am thinking that we could write a book, a users manual of the sort, well, better yet, a playbook.

Official Strategy Guide for Paying Your Bills Online: National Fuel and National Grid. heh, they're both four letter words


:)

I found a bunch of old toys and trinkets from my childhood. A near future post will reveal a few of those items. Besides those things, I thought about other childhood memories of toys, hobbies and even candy. Which brings me to this post.

I remember chewing Bazooka bubble gum


and reading the comics contained inside the wrapper.


Does anyone remember opening the wrapper and having, instead of a comic, a note that said "help, i am trapped in a bubble gum factory" ??

hehe, I hope it was a joke..



And then remember these... How I LOVED candy cigarettes


I never saw this.. crazy!


heh, and I really wanted to be a smoker. No one in my family smoked, but my mom had a couple of friends who did. I would watch them and then imitate their smoking by using a straw. It was extra special and fun when I could go buy a pack of candy cigarettes or a "carton" (six boxes wrapped together). I would puff on them with no control. An open pack of candy cigarettes were quickly "smoked". At like, 4 years of age how cool did I think I was..

sad.

Fortunately, I realized by the time I was 12 that real second hand cigarette smoke maked me ill. I get nauseaus, irritated, red eyed, and over all ill feeling when i am around it. 98% of the time it has this effect on me. Fortunate that it kept me from smoking. Not fortunate in that it can be annoying to not be able to handle being around smokers for long. I guess that isn't a bad thing either.. just makes it difficult to ignore, and difficult when people think you are looney for getting headaches around cig smoke.

Anyway, I am a non smoker and always have been, but really wanted to when I was a kid.


I am sure these are still made..
Fun Dip. Straight to the point, I like it!



I used to buy Dinosaur eggs. They came in a package of two and were pretty big, I think (I was five years old, ofcourse they were big!). They had a gobbstopper type of texture. I always purchased them at a small store in St. Catherines and not sure if I ever bought them anywhere else. I couldn't find any pictures as I hoped.

And thats about it. What are you childhood candy memories?

Actually, my original post was a comment to (e:metalpeter,654) who I began writing quite a bit in his comment section, then decided to trasnfer it to a post, but then my computer froze and everything disappeared. So now that I have no functioning brain cells at this point in the night, I wont be getting back to those thoughts! Definitely later..

heh, I think I spelled every other word wrong.

Bed time.

Good night peeps :)

I look forward to the weekend, although I have no specific plans as of yet. I know that (e:pyrcedgrrl) wants to get together. Have you come up with something you would like to do, my dear? I have a few ideas bouncing around in my head; and no, they do not include scaling sides of buildings, climbing mountains or swimming.. to Toronto. At least not this weekend ;)

Most days of the week I go for a walk or bike ride. My walks usually include going up and down hills and hidden staircases. When I am feeling rather ambitious, I will run up the hills, some of which are fairly steep. Now that I am at that point, I will start carrying my back pack with a small amount of weight and systematically increase the weight over time. This is to increase the challenge and also to have me better prepared for longer day-overnight hikes, where I will be carrying more gear. I can run up and down hills all I want, but if I am not able to maintain energy and endurance with the added weight, then it is not conducive to the more hard core activities I intend to engage in this summer and fall.

For the past couple of months I have been spending less time out at night (unless star gazing) and more time out during the day. I have ventured out to many places, locally and within a two hour drive. Usually it revolves around being outdoors; however, I like to incorporate a museum, art gallery, or other creative facet into my jaunt. Often I head out with no destination in mind other than somewhere that I can hike and think. I usually go alone, although I am always meeting people on my excursions.

One recent weekend, I walked/hiked/jogged along the canal for eight plus miles and at some point paced myself with gentlemen out on a kayak. We chatted for about a mile before I needed to resume my brisk speed. I thought that I should start jotting down notes from the conversations that I have been part of and/or observations about the people I have met. It is fascinating to talk to people and know that that is probably the only time I will ever talk or see them again. I never make an attempt to carry it beyond that moment. I enjoy these situations for what they are: transitory, momentary connections, information seeking, sharing and energetic.

I find myself in seemingly random encounters with people in all sorts of settings. Such as nature trails, store aisles, restaurant waiting areas, bathrooms, wherever two people passing might occur; male female, young, old.

When I know I want to do something, I just go out and do it. It would be nice to be accompanied on some of my excursions, yet it does not stop me from doing the things I want to do. Having a friend join me is a bonus to the experience not a prerequisite. Due to my spontaneous behavior, I often head out without seeing if anyone wants to go with me. My free time, outside of work and school responsibilities, I seek to experience, learn (unlearn) and live. I am pretty much open to anything; why not give something a try? Or do more of what I like to do?

Such as: canoeing, kayaking, climbing, hiking, biking, camping, anything with balls, day trips, longer road trips, orienteering, museums, art galleries, drawing, writing, problem solving, conversations, cross country skiing, swimming, playing, music, movies, lunches, etc..

I have found that over the past few years (+) that I have tried new activities and have been progressing back to my old self (with some major improvements), since the injury. It is deeply satisfying to recall how I went from a state of being unable to get through regular daily activities and the complete psychological darkness that surrounded that time, to the ability to do everything that I have done before plus so much more. Support, tenacity and the refusal to settle for what was, fueled my perseverance in getting better, stronger and back to normal. I am pretty much better all the way around. I am strong again, I am feeling rather fit in regards to grip strength, flexibility, lung capacity, endurance and energy. I gained a lot, weight wise, during the recovery phase and have since removed a large portion of that. (I have mentioned a little about this in previous entries)I am 75% of the way there-- that is an amazing feat in itself. I have to try to keep a positive attitude. These days I get a little irked with myself and so I just can't allow that. I keep on nourishing my body and being active, and the rest will take care of itself.

I think that time in my life really tweaked my attitude and gave me a great sense of calm on many matters in life. Getting through that situation, along with my current place of employment (first job after the injury), my grad school program and all the people I have had the fortune to meet have directly impacted the person who I have become, and am becoming. It is strange to look back and know what has changed within yourself. At times I feel very vulnerable but it reminds me that I am human; someone who makes mistakes says the wrong thing, says too much, has 'off' days, feels things, gets hurt, yet is strong, laughs, is passionate about life and truly cherishes the people within my life, even if I don't always say it or show it ( I am still learning, friends).

So, get out and try new things. Perhaps try something outside of your comfort zone?

Maybe it is taking a long evening walk, hiking the continental divide (who's with me?), or looking at something in a different perspective.
Maybe it will be taking a different route home from work.
Or having a cup of green tea instead of coffee.
Or listening to unfamiliar music.
Or letting the dirty dishes go until the next day (or for me, doing the dirty dishes the same night!)

Or relaxing with friends on a hot Memorial Day, eating ice cream cones and sipping cold soda. Pop. Sodapop. I interchange them, but I grew up saying "pop". What do you call it?

For those that are familiar with the northern Niagara region will know about Brownies, an ice cream stand out in Wilson. Not sure if it has had other names, but everyone knows where it is at. I remember going there as a kid, and occasionally I still stop for custard. I met up with a few friends this past Monday at Brownies. It was nice to sit and relax after a long hot day.


Well, we had a few toasty days. I think it is supposed to drop 20 degrees on Thursday, which will feel cold, haha. I don't care what the weather is, as it rarely stops me from doing what I want to do (e:theecarey,169) Although I am more inclined to kick back on a hot sweaty day rather than engage in a major sweatfest. No thats not true,lol. I tackled some crazy projects Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.. almost lost a finger, but thats another story :)

I think this picture will load. I had a bit of trouble re sizing it. Right now, it is the only picture from my grad ceremony that I have loaded to this computer.

It might turn out to be super tiny. I am sure you can figure out which one is me--long brown kinda straight/wavy hair.