I just came in from a short walk in the light rain. I felt a bit anxious and in need of getting some air. The thirty or so minute trek through town ridded me of most of my blah-ness. However, upon return, I felt a surge in feeling obnoxious. I want to wrestle someone. Or climb a tree. Or jump in my car and drive till morning, destination unknown...

instead I hop into bed and onto my laptop. My mind is too bouncy to read.. so instead, I write. Not sure where this is going to go.. please excuse all grammar, spelling and mental meandering..

I think my head and heart have been in a battle lately.

I have my graduation ceremony on Friday. The last graduation I went to was for highschool, and I didn't even want to go to that one. I skipped the Associates and the Bachelors ceremony.

Heh, I remember being on campus the day of my Bachelors ceremony. Know what I was doing? I was playing Vampire, a role playing game. My mom didn't talk to me for weeks. She wanted me to go and I didn't..

I can be really shy even though it doesn't really appear that way. I can get in front of people and do the public speaking bit, I am pretty outgoing and I will give anything a try.. but I am still shy. I am assertive, that isn't a problem either. I always work to get over the shy bit. I detest being in the way of myself.. (if that makes sense?)

.. And for some reason, doing the "parading across stage" in a cap and gown just weirds me out. Maybe it has to do with attention being placed on me? Not sure..
I know I am going this Friday (1pm Kleinhans), as I realize that it isn't about me anymore. My mom really wants me to go and my classmates expect me to be there as well. If my neice goes, it will be good for her to see a family member graduate from college.

But I still feel all anxious inside. Since I am open to trying anything, i have to be open to this as well. Come on, it is just a ceremony. If this is the least of my concerns, I am very grateful.

Ok, so this sense of anxiety leads me to having to face my next career step. I know not what to do. I regularly say that I have maxed out my postition. It bothers me that I have been saying it on and off for a couple of years now. But it has suited me while I have been in school. Good hours, benefits, awesome co workers, consumers, etc...and during this time I havent had to really attend to the process of making the next step.

But now I am approaching the end of my schooling (well, atleast with this degree, anyways-- I will always take a class or soemthing.. ) I need to figure what my next step is. Do I stay in the mental health field? Do I try somthing else, switch gears a little.. Do I begin the process of figuring out how to start my own business (whatever that may be.. I know its in the cards, my entrepreneurial spirit wont let me have it any other way.. )

heh.. or do i go onto another degree? Ofcourse it is something I think about.. but then I wonder, am I doing it for the challenge or for the "safety net" that comes with being a college student? I have to grow up sometime, right? I could go on for a doctorate (I've been provisionally accepted) or I could try a masters in something completely different, which is very appealing. I could wait a few years..and see where my life takes me... see so many options, choices, motivations to figure out.

so, although I think my head and heart have been in a battle, I don't think either knows what it wants (in regards to college/career stuff). Maybe I am squirrely on a bunch of things. I know that when I get to feeling like this, I need to just relax my mind/heart and from there what truly matters will surface. Then I can tackle whatver comes of it..

onto other stuff as of late..


My on again, off again stalker managed to make contact very recently. I jotted down notes during a conversation. I try to find the humor in it, but it creeps me out all the same. I find myself wondering if I am doing anything to lead this person on (not that there has been any contact in over 21 months-- even though he has persistently tried).

Now that contact has been officially made, I am disturbed. I am tempted to share the details of the conversation (again, I took notes because it was so creepy, odd, and such..), yet I am deciding against it at this time. Although I don't feel it is a serious matter, I don't want to make light of it either. Lets just get to the main point that I "tried" to make.. "no, i don't see us as friends, as I think you are looking for something much more than I can give you... I have reservations in talking to you.. or seeing you.. it isn't going to happen.. not interested in you.. no connection.. blah blah" Yeh, it sucks to put yourself out there and be shot down.. but then you move on. I mean, I was very clear then and I was clear this time as well. No need to read between the lines.. I said what was necessary, yet with respect and dignity...

Now I remember that firm wasnt good enough two years ago, as firm may not be working now. Back then, I had to get mean, which isn't me. I felt sick by it.. but it never stopped him from calling. ever.. and it still hasn't. I have always gone the honest approach.. but now it may be useful to try another tactic. Such as (e:pyrcedgrrl) suggested.. have a male be on my outgoing messages and/or have a male pick up the phone sometime under the guise of being my boyfriend/fiance/husband. I never seriously considered it before...

So again, I try to laugh it off.. it does have its humorous elements to it...but I am not comfortable with it, as I can't seem to get through to him. (e:pyrcedgrrl) affectionately refers to him as "slayer". Friends share..but you know what, he is all yours, hahahahahaha :)

• breathe in, breathe out*... again, not at all the worst thing that has happened.

But from all this perceived craziness, I again, truly appraciate my family and friends (old and new). I am always learning from them.. and love that they are in my life. thank you.


heh, my dishes aren't done and eveything appears to be a mess. Tomorrow after work I will make it all look, feel and smell good again. mmmm, will also cut a bunch of lilacs to place around the apartment. Cleaning and organizing can be fun when I am in the mood. It is especially helpful when I have some great songs to dance to while I am doing all this.

So on that note, I have some really great songs added to my iPod. I spent a good part of yesterday downloading music. I will probably change my user sound once again. It is (or was) Art of Noice, Moments in Love (trance)... a pretty hot song. But now its time to try something else. I am very happy with a few specific new ones that a friend shared with me. It is great when a song makes me smile...

Its about that time.. good night, be safe, smell the lilacs.. and make time for yourself. Some things *can* wait..

Carey

if you are into drums as I am, you may appreciate the new user sound: japanese traditional - Kodo Ibuki Taiko Drums

So, I was driving in the passing lane, along the stretch of the 190N that goes through Grand Island. I was going about 65 (in 55) miles per hour when I see a truck approaching behind me.

I go a little faster, and the truck gets closer.

I speed up a little more and so do they.

This truck could have gone around me, there was plenty of room for them to pass me. I figure, if I am doing 70 plus, and they want to go faster, then go ahead and pass me. I was expecting to be flashed with their headlights, ya know, the signal to move the heck over.

No, instead they chose to ride my butt. Heh, at that point, the truck was so close that I could only see its front grill. If I dared to touch my brakes, I would have been read-ended. yeh, it was tempting.

See, I used to mess around a lot with drivers long ago, but I still have occasional spikes of automotive mayhem in me. (e:theecarey,126) My stories are fun and ridiculous and admittedly, immature. I've raced (ok, still do on occasion), I have done power brakes, burn outs, time trials, off roading, mudding, chasing, and all sorts of other craziness. It has been (many) years.. I have let most if it go.. but not all of it. On occasion, you'll hear me/see me gunning the engine of whatever crappy car I am driving at a stop light...come on, you know you wanna race me! heh, my little beater and your tubbed big blockm muscle car, hehe. Its the thrill and delusion in trying :)

ok, so I felt that this truck driver could just go around me if they wanted to. Lots of room pal, be gone! But no, you insist on riding my bum-per

((heartbeat quickens, residule effects of past thrill emerge))

So I scope out the situation. Truck on my ass. A bunch of cars up ahead in other lane. I gas the car to speed up to them.

Truck still attached to my rear end. Now I KNOW this driver is messing with me.

I catch up with other cars. I "pace" them. Now both lanes are are driving 65-70 miles. The truck can't pass and the truck knows I am on to him/her. Oddly, the cars seem to be slowing down, and instead of pacing them, I am beginning to pass them. I fugured, next course of action is to pace through all of the cars, and then once I am side by side with the last car (which would be first car ahead), I will step on the gas.

This goes as planned. And truck knows I am messing as hard with them as they are me.

So once I speed up to 80.. I then suddenly slow it down to 70. This allowed the truck time to go around me..

Which they did. Well.. first they paced me. (nice move, by the way)

I didn't dare look over.. didn't want to give them the gratification of my looking to see who it was. Besides, they were so high up, that we wouldnt have been able to see each other. But just in case.. I didn't look.

Well, the truck paced me for a moment before gassing it himself and then sharply pulled in front of me, and tapped his brakes. (another good move I must admit)

Forcing me to tap mine.

Then I saw.

heh.
I found myself tapping my brakes again, a little harder this time...

((Ya know, the kind of reaction you get when you are suddenly faced with a trooper when you are going too fast. But you know its a silly move as its obvious already that you are speeding.))

so yeh, I tapped the brakes..

because the truck that was messing with me and me with it..



...was a State Trooper-- in a larger chevy blazer!!!!!!!!!

My heart stopped.

Then I burst into nervous laughter.

I thought, what the heck was that all about.. and why didn't he pull me over, on or off duty?? (and now I know why all the cars slowed down..)


Not to sound disappointed, but I would have pulled me over just for the fun of it. omg.. I can't believe that happened. I think its funny that I stomped on the brake pedal once I realized who it was... a natural reaction.

So, I would say he (she?) won that one.

I just drove a few miles dumfounded and in awe. The trooper just driving ahead of me, but with my slowing down considerably, I eventually lost sight of him.

and I wonder, was it as good for them as it was for me???

good night and drive safe, kiddos :)

Class let out early tonight, a much welcome surprise, and a needful one. I could not concentrate at all. My mind wandered and daydreamed; only my body was in class. When the teacher wrapped it up, I was the first one out the door..

It is always nice to come home, especially two hours earlier than expected.

Before entering my apartment, I stood out in the rain. The air was still mild, the rain droplets fell softly and the scent of lilacs were in the air. I don't have to go inside yet, I thought to myself, and turned away from the front door and towards the steps that would lead me back out into the night.

I had no destination or length of walk in mind as I took off down the dark quiet street; the waxing moon covered by clouds. The only sounds were frogs, raindrops and my footsteps. Every few houses I passed a lilac bush. As the lilacs bloom, the aroma builds. I love that there is a lilac bush right outside my bedroom window. How wonderful to have the fragrance drift into my room as I sleep. As I walk, I breathe deep the scents of lilac, earth and rain. (Essence of Worm will be tomorrows olfactory delight if this rain continues.. ;) )

The village remains quiet during this evening walk. I walk briskly down the street until I reach the river. I decide to go down a hill to the Youngstown Mariners Landing. There are benches, boat docks, and yachts. Sitting on a bench, I take a moment to look at the lights reflecting off of the water. The raindrops continue to fall softly, wetting my hair and clothes, but not making me cold. Tonight, the air is warm; the light from the lamp post shows the fog over the river. It is dreamlike and peaceful. And sexy too. I just love a warm rainy night..

A few minutes later, I pull myself from my imaginative thoughts. I decide to continue on my walk with a focus on breathing and taking note of the historical homes, and entertaining memories of childhood through my teen years.

A few miles and many thoughts later, I return home. Before I wander up the steps to my front door, I stop at the lilac bush. With nose to the bloom, I inhale; then I pluck a branch off the bush and bring it inside with me.

Delicious.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that..

• Viewed two bonfires during last nights walk through the village. The smell of burning wood, the site of flames and sparks, and the non descript chatter heightened my desire to have a bonfire myself-- hopefully sooner than later. Who's in?

I could see that one yard had torches lit.. and I thought I heard a little somethin' like water.. could that be a jacuzzi? hehe ..and can I join? *vision of myself walking into the strangers back yard and settling myself into their jacuzzi, "hey, what's up?" * What would they do? Not something I would actually do..

• Tonights stroll led me past houses with music cranked high. It certainly added to my already bouncy steps. I sorta peeked into the windows of one house (shhhh..don't tell anyone! ;) ) as I could hear and feel some techno. Techno, baby, yah!!! The guy I saw seemed to be really into the music- perhaps he was creating the beats I heard? Anyhow, my sly prying eyes only glanced in as long as I walked past the house, so it isn't as though I stopped, went up to the bushes and peered in.. I leave that for Certified Stalkers and Other Creepy Peeps People Peepy's :)

Not much of a country music fan, so the second melodious house did nothing for my auditory preferences. What I thought was interesting is that the guy appeared to be washing his truck. At ten pm. Sure, I would do that, maybe.. but there were no lights on!! Then again, this area does glow in the dark.. right, (e:libertad,5) ? ;)

• Work endlessly fascinated me, even if I have maxed out my learning capacity. Heh, I need to figure out my next step, SOON! Everyday, the kiddos do something that amazes me. I have seen and been part of the progress that they have made over time. At some point, I will actually write about my job- what Autism is, what it isn't, Applied Behavioral Analysis, Discrete Trial Instruction, Behavior Modification, etc.. In the meantime, I share little amusements.

The children have been talking more and more. I have seen them go from being completely non-verbal to being able to state basics needs and using hundreds of words. Today was about my name. It wasnt planned that way.. but somehow, one little girl perseverated on my name. "Carey Carey Carey" "Hiiiiiiiiii Carrrrrrrey" "Carey". The boy I work very closely with, has taken to saying my name as well.. very softly, in a whisper, "Miss Carey, I want _____ please" (fill in blank with any number of requests: pretzel, water, bathroom, cereal, gummy, tickle, ball, etc). Another child was calling me everyname but the correct one. So we worked on that... and had a lot of fun working it into everything. He laughed a lot. So did I. Good stuff.

Now the one incident that cracked me up for hours, was whiile I worked on a "greeting" program with another boy. It goes something like this..

So I start off with a primer: I say to him, "My name is Carey".
Then, "What is my name?" the response we want from him is, "Carey". so he responds, echoing my name, "Carey"
For the scoring part of the discrete trial, I verbalize the cue-
"Hi Bob" (fake name)
in which we want him to respond, "Hi Carey"

well.. instead of restating my name..

me: "hi Bob"

him: "hi computer"

COMPUTER??? hahaha. Sometimes the greatest challenge is to keep a straight face during these trials and correct the child with a neutral tone of voice. But really.. computer?? Many responses are rote. When they aren't fully into the sesson, they will say anything that is in their plan. However, this just cracked me up.

I can pull off a good Interactive Voice Response..but I promise I don't sound like that in real life, hehe.:?

• What else.. this week can slow down, as with every week there is a lot to accomplish for school. This class has me searching through old material as it incorporates many aspects of what I have learned so far.. although some stuff I have naturally forgotten. I'll be just fine. I just can't let it bog me down!

Maybe I will spend part of my evening at Paneras on the Blvd after work tomorrow. I dig the comfy booths and wifi access. Oh, and the minimized distractions that otherwise occur when I am at home.. not that I mind a few distractions here and there. Besides, they have good soup :)

• The front porch is right outside my bedroom window. I have my window open. I hear something. My ferocious house gaurd-cat, Joey just jumped into the window to take a look (we all know he is all talk-at best, he can protect me from a rabid marshmellow, but not a hairy spider and definitely not some crazy lunatic!). I'm a little too chicken to go investigate it. If I close my eyes and bury my head under the pillow, will it go away, whatever it is??

Almost hump day.. have a good one!

~ Computer Carey :)

"Simply Superb"-- that was the comment that I received on my term paper. This is the paper where I was concerned that I missed the mark in regards how to approach the paper. I wrote about this recently- (e:theecarey,152) .At first I felt ill over this potential mishap, then I stepped back and thought about my choices. I calmed my mind with the thought that, "I chose to take this risk, and by following through on it, I must be comfortable with the consequences".

I could have written out a new paper (I am resourceful like that), while class was in session, then snuck the paper into the hand-in pile later on. I work well under pressure and could have pulled it off..but there was something drawing me to the risk involved with putting something out there that I created and the chosen approach seemed best for the information I was tackling.

In past experiences where I have made a choice- either choosing another form of deliverables (like this) or choosing not to hand something in on the deadline (for example, interview with people as part of a project were cancelled/delayed and I wanted to work on it more) as it would not have been reflective of my work, I have dealt with the consequences. Although not always pleasant, it felt right at the time. Yet I havent experienced anything terrible other than the grade for the project knocked down a few grades, or only partial credit-- yet it was all redeemed with the class end grade.

Perhaps it is my attitude. I don't play the victim.. or feel bad for myself when things aren't going as I want them to. I hold myself accountable for my behavior. I have the ability to make good choices, and when I don't, I use the experience as opportunity to learn from and move on.

When something happens that wasn't in some way by choice, there again, it is about attitude. How I react, what I do with the situation, what I take from it, is my choice. In some way or another, it is about choice and attitude.

Formative years were shakey. In short, I raised myself from the age of 9 on.. It was during this time that I could see that I could only hold myself responsible for my actions. My choices, for better or worse, were all my own...

So, I look at the "A" on my paper, with relief, with amusement and with satisfaction. Not so much because the professor approved of it,(as anything was possible) but because my choice of action was reinforced, I didn't die from it and I knew that regardless of the outcome, I wouldnt have changed a thing.


Now, shall we get on to the pictures? Sure we will..

The view point that these pictures were taken have been captured before, although at different times of the year. I am always in awe and thoroughly enjoy being outside. My default stomping grounds is anything in the village that I live. I am drawn to the river and lake almost on a daily basis. My intentions for the next few months are to explore new areas of this region...whether by foot, bike, boat, plane, train or horseback. There is a lot to do out there..


Guess where I am at?


Lake Ontario- if you look closely, perhaps you can see what my camera failed to clearly capture.. the amazing Toronto sky line. On this day, I could see buildings for miles. I will capture an image to my liking sometime this year, in some way or another.




One of many piers that I select from when in need of a quiet place to think, read, write, eat lunch. Sometimes, I have the area to myself. When I take late night walks through the village, I feel that it is all mine. I like that..



View of the River. *sigh* I really want to be out on a boat.





Nice view, eh?





Like these boats. Anyone have a boat?? Although wooden planks tied together would suffice. I imagine laying on my back, drifting along the river on a hot sticky evening, feeling the ripples of water beneath me.
hmmm, I am up for some kayaking this summer as well; think I might need a lesson first, so I know how to get out if (when?) I flip over!




The trail I almost wiped out on going down to the river. It is steeper than it looks in this picture and even steeper than it looks while scooting my rump down the hill; not enough traction, but still fun. Hikers and sneaks are on my shopping list (do I *have* to go shopping?)


This next one must be included. I stole my neighbors kitten, well, borrowed the fur blob. He must think I am nuts. I turn to mush around most animals, even more so if they are of the fuzzy-baby variety. This kitten was no exception. I'm sure to have the same reaction to a llama. Yes, I am a big dork and took a picture... and an even bigger one for sharing. However, I know there are a few "animal-dorks" that will enjoy the pic as much as I. You know who you are.. haha



I thought of posting super recent pics of myself, ha, but maybe another time..Please, no tears. :P

It is late already.. I'm heading out for a short walk before bed...

I will leave you with these quotes. I tend to be full of them!

"Look deep into nature, then you will understand everything better." ~Albert Einstein

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." ~Marcel Proust

Good night.. be safe.. take care.. be good to yourself.. and get outside!!

Carey