Is "Beautiful" by Joydrop.

"If I was beautiful like you
All the things I would do
Those not so blessed would be crying out murder
and I'd just laugh and get away with it to
Like you do.

If I was beautiful like you
I would never be at fault.
I'd walk in the rain between the rain drops
Bringing traffic to a halt.

But that will never be
'Cuz I'm not beautiful like you.
I'M BEAUTIFUL LIKE ME!..."

Okay that's half of the song lyrics. For those of you that don't know it, it's totally badass and you need to go find it. For those of you that do know it- kudos to you! Yes, yes. I'm Beautiful like me! And that is the most important sentiment of the day. At least for me.

Sometimes, it's amazing how a conversation with one's best friend tends to make one feel much, much better. I realized the last time that I was in a dangerously low place that I am the one the does it to me, no one else is to blame. It's me and the thoughts that once they get started, don't seem to be able to stop, and it snow balls and then I'm in a really ugly place. That didn't happen this time because I am learning. It's all about me. I am the cause of my own happiness and own sadness, well, maybe not *ALL* of my sadness, but a good chunk of it is in my control. Which is nice as a control freak who understands that control is just an illusion, at least with something like that, I know I can control it. Or at least ride it out. So for all of you who cared and wrote me lovely little encouraging notes, Thank You! ever so much! Today, I am a much better me! :)

Well, I have not slipped into listening to Portishead yet, which is good. I think the weather is reflecting my mood. And honestly, I'm probably just moody from being run down. I'm tired. I want to sleep and dare not yet as I will just get up in a couple of hours and then be up all night which is not good. I want to be crafty and do things but at the same time I just can't be bothered. I want to talk to my friends but then I will have to explain things, tell them things, which I won't do if I don't talk to them, and, again, I just can't be bothered.

Friends with benefits, that's what I need. Actually, it's sort of what I'm looking for and what I haven't found and that, quite honestly, is a part of my funk- along with tiredness and confusion and too much change far too fast and just life in general. I'm coming down with some sort of throat infection. I can feel it. My throat is always the first body part to get taken down by germs. Time for homeopathy, I think. I just can't be bothered. I think I kind of enjoy the scratchy irritation as it reminds me that I'm still alive and it makes me appreciate my voice which I only ever seem to appreciate when it's in jeopardy. When I can't sing, I'm a basket case. I think that's all for now. I need to get out of my head- stop thinking How does one really do that? I certainly don't know.

I think it's officially time to become a hermit, again. I do this, where cloister myself in my home and just dwell there, and if I didn't have to leave, to go to work and interact with people, then I wouldn't. I'm horribly confused and sort of torn up inside right now and it's not over who it ought to be over. So, I'm going to retreat, go inside myself and either face myself- my demons, or just cower in there- in my little interior dream world that no one but myself can pull me out of. I'm in a funk and I don't know how long it will last. I could snap out of it tomorrow, then again I might not.

Sometimes, being a genuinely kind, caring person really kind of sucks. Guys never want the good girls, not really. Of course, if any actually bothered to find out what the hell is underneath, they might be very surprised. What I project, which I don't even know what that is anymore, is not who I am, merely an aspect. I have to go. I have to try to at least snap out of this. I cannot stand feeling like this. The Price is Right worked, at least for a little while.

I think my theme song for today would be Ugly Kid Joe's "I Hate Everything About You". Not because I actually hate anyone in particular, but because that's the mood I'm in.

• I did just have my first actual, real smile of the day!* There's hope afterall!

Is it a bad thing when you come home and feel like you're on vacation? I can't figure it out. It's just so quiet and chill here, a far cry form the screaming little bitches that were my next door neighoburs in sunny L.A. I like the solitude. I just took a cat nap on my deck for no other reason than I could. It was warm. It was quiet. I was in a shaddy spot (very key for those of you that have met me and know that I would burst into a ball of flame were I to sit in the sun for more than ten minutes- AH, the joys of being Anglo-Saxon and Polish!) I do, I feel like I'm on vacation. Of course, I have a TON of thngs I need to be doing, none of which I am. I am posting because this is really the first chance that I have had. We moved in on Monday, but the computer stayed at my brother's house (aka- my old house). And I didn't really have the time to sit and write and work. That, and I have a new boss that actually like and so I'm trying to be actually productive. For works, a line from "Officespace" was going through me head, when Peter Gibbons was speaking to the Bobs- "It's not that I'm lazy. I just don't care!" And that was my problem in a nut shell. Honestly, I still really don't care, but I do care more than I did.

It's really nice here. I think I might go for a swim. Than again I really ought to unpack. Almost everything I own is still in boxes. Craziness. Ciao.