I think I'm beginning to like someone that I'm not sure I'm supposed to and I don't know how I feel about this. And I mean Really like! This sucks!

After reading Jason's last post, I am reminded of just how similar the problems of men and women really are! Jason, your story is the male version of mine. I have a tendency to keep myself so separated and apart from the whole dating thing, I don't even know what I'm doing and I do it for the very same reasons as you, minus the whole girlfriend's mouth thing, of course. Let me tell you, you get mired there for so long, you get to the point where you are so comfortable with telling yourself that there's no point as he (in my case, "she" in your's) will just shoot you down anyway so you might at well not even try. You begin to think that you are doomed to be alone forever. (God, I'm depressing myself!) Take heart! Talk to that girl! You will regret if you don't. Trust me. I'm speaking from experience.

Okay, I just saw a nun with permed hair!

A few posts ago or so, I wrote how I've been suffering under a pretty severe case of writer's block, where I really have no new ideas, a terrifying situation for someone who constantly came up with something, anything! just to get past whatever was making me stuck. Today, I think I realized that the thing that has been making me stuck is Me. I was blaming it on work and how much I hate it and that I'm constantly tired and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but the truth of the matter is- It's Me. An idea hit me today, and it was powerful enough for me to sit down at my computer and just start writing, just start to get those first few paragraphs down. Once I got so tired I had to stop, because writing is very draining for me, I went and looked at something that I had begun prior to my going to England and was astounded to see that what I was writing, in principle, was the same. In fact, I can take the voice from the one and stick it in my new one and it will still manage to work, that is how similar they are. The theme in both of my new stories is very simple. It is me being honest with me, breaking down what has really been going on in my heart and my head and my hormones and just saying, "Hey! Wake up! You're a beautiful person! Step out of the prison you have created for yourself and LEAP!"
Don't know if I'm there yet, but I would like to be. I think just facing it and being honest and saying that I deserve the best of everything and to stop being what the hell I have been is a pretty big first step. I somehow have to find the strength to leap, even it's just across a crack in the pavement.

It's a war that I wage inside of myself. I am, I am almost loathe to admit it but it's so disgustingly obvious, a Good Girl. Pretty much, I am the definition of what a good girl is- I don't sleep around, go to church most Sundays, drink to excess only on specific occasions, dress prettily - I LOVE to dress prettily! Period pieces are even better, my current fav. being that whole fifties thing of flowy skirts, pointy high heeled shoes and softly curled hair- but I digress- I am who I am and I discovered when I was in NYC that I really and truly am such a woman, but there are times when it just kind of sucks! I get so tired of it all, of everything, but I think, quite frankly, as all of my various worlds are in an uproar, that this new wanting to not be the girl next door most likely has something to do with it. Then again, it could just very well be hormones. Damned if I know anymore. Actually, do I even care which it might be? I don't think I do. I think I need some corrupting. Hmmm... God knows I won't have time once grad. school starts this fall. I'm off to dance suggestively to my new Stereophonics c.d. Ciao.