So I was reading through several journals and find myself with new or concurrent ideas on some of the key issues they've touched on. This is a good thing because I find myself unable to articulate exactly what is causing me so much distress lately. I often have an inability to find the root of things which are getting me down and really work to solve them. (Which is odd, because I can usually cut right to the quick when I'm helping someone ELSE with their problems......)

The first journal that really got me thinking is (e:Flacidness). I can completely relate to having a hellish "family" life. I haven't spoken to my mother since Christmas. I haven't really spoken to my siblings since probably Thanksgiving. And my father...well...I haven't heard from him since my high school graduation back in '97. This hasn't really bothered me...I have assembled a new "family" out of my friends. Great...I understand and accept this. However...why does it seem that other people I meet in my professional and personal life don't understand why I don't contact my family? Why does this constitute a character flaw on my part and NOT on the part of my family? I'm lost....I dunno. It seems even if your family treated you like crap you're obligated to pretend that life is all roses and hearts and small fluffy animals. Anyway....

The other journal that really got to me was (e:Byllc). Wow...talk about an unexpected kick in the chest. The simple premise was, "When was the last time you were really and genuinely excited?". I took this to mean the downright elated to be alive, birds-are-singing, choir of angels type of excited. The type of excited you got all the time as a kid, when everything was new...when everything was earth-shattering. The type of excited I got before/during the first time I had sex (sorry about all that excitement Miranda....wherever you are....haha), the type of excitement I felt when I got my acceptance letters for university, the type of excitement I felt in huddle before the first play of my first game of football in college. The last time I was ever THAT excited.....was when I proposed to my ex-fiancee. And it was at that realization that three things immediately happened; 1) I realized how much I'd changed in the past 3.5-4 years, 2) I became angry that someone who would eventually hurt me so incredibly badly would "hold" that position in my life, and 3) I became really really confused. You see, over the past few years (I'd say the last year especially), I decided that I definately didn't want children and probably didn't really ever want to get married either. That's not to say that I don't want serious or deep relationships...just that I don't see the benefits to having a binding contract with a member of the opposite sex. Great...then why hasn't there been any sort of excitement like that in my life since? By steering clear of marriage as a whole, am I then denying myself access to this level of excitement ever again?

And now..well..now I'm just depressed. I realize that I've only really ever truly and deeply loved three people in my entire life. And that I haven't had that feeling in quite some time now. And how much I miss that feeling of being able to tell someone anything and everything and have them really and truly care about what I'm telling them. And how I miss waking up next to someone...and not being alone. The feeling of security and understanding...I even miss the fights sometimes. (You just can't have a good fight with someone you don't love/care about enough to put the effort in.....lol). And what's almost worse is that, looking back on things, I don't have any idea as to how to find that again. It feels like those three wonderful experiences in my life just fell in my lap...I don't know how I'd obtain that again. They all happened in very different ways...and they all seem so random now. And how in retrospect I definately didn't cherish those times the way I should have, I took them for granted. I miss it and I want it again.......but I definately feel like I'm "all dressed up with nowhere to go", so to speak.

Well...there's always tomorrow, right?

Okay...so I just found out WHY one should never talk to ex's.

Little background...I keep AIM open all day at work...talking to friends helps to pass the time of course. Now, I do occassionally try to be a good guy and keep in touch with a few ex's who are interesting for whatever reason. This ex...let's call her "Miss S." for anyonymity's sake...is a girl who I dated in college. She's a very Portuguese catholic girl (as in, here family is straight off the boat from the Azores) from MA. She also is the first girl who ever broke MY heart. (I had left a long trail of tears before that..but she had the gall to cheat on me...anyway..). I've only really kept in touch with her because her life has become even more of a train wreck/soap opera than mine. (A brief listing; she got chlamydia from the guy she cheated on me with [served her right], her nephew passed away, her mother and grandmother passed away the same year, she has gone through wild weight swings, severe depression, etc) However, the lastest news from her I think quite possibly takes the cake....the following is a brief overview of our IM conversation today:

Me: Hey you, what's going on?! I haven't talked to you in ages...
Ex: Not much, how about you?
Me: The usual...work, rugby, life...so anything new?
Ex: Yeah, I moved to Melrose...with that Dom who I told you about before...with his wife and twins...

Now then..here is where I need to start the 'splainin'. Miss S. has a definate thing for D/s relationships. Okay, great, that can be fun..little kink never hurt anyone. Now the last time Miss S. and I spoke was several months ago when she was having an affair with a married gentleman. I asked if that was wise and apparently she thought it was...she even said he'd asked her to move into the in-law apartment he has next door. I thought that was a bad idea...she thought that was a bad idea...enough said. End of history, back to the action.

Me: WOW....when did that happen?
Ex: Oh, a couple of months ago
Me: Everything okay?
Ex: Yeah, I'm busy everyday with his wife and twin sons, cleaning, cooking taking care of the kids, etc.
Me: Wait...so this is kind of "mormon-esque"?
Ex: LOL...well...kinda sorta
Ex: Well, I have to go work, I'll talk to you later
Me: Talk to you later...hasta...

Okay....so...that perhaps goes down as the single weirdest conversation I've ever had. And I'm a pretty liberal guy...pretty understanding of differences...pretty open. But that..well...that goes a tad beyond where I'm at right now. I think what bothers me the most is the children in the situation. I mean...sure...Miss S. has been boffing their dad for a few months now, but at this point, she's acting as a second mother. And I know Miss S.....she hasn't been the most stable individual over the past 5 or 10 years. What happens when Miss S decides to bail and these kids lose one of their "parents"?

I dunno...is it just me...or does this seem fairly crazy?

Well, it seems like I'm not the only one who had some lyrics running through his head last night/this morning....

Here are mine...(courtesy of the Ipod before bed...):

"...Let me show show you baby, I'm a talented boy..."
"...I said pretend you've got no money, she just laughed and said, 'oh, you're so funny!'..."
"...I am not innocent. You are not innocent. No one is innocent. ..."
"...When we are older you'll understand what I meant when I said, 'No, I don't think life is quite that simple.'..."
"...Walked around my good intentions, and found that there were none..."


Just my random thoughts for now...

Well...I've been saying it since mid-November and last night was "Judgement Day". That's right, the first practice of the new year. And the results? (Like EVERY YEAR...I apparently lack the ability to LEARN!!) I hurt. My back, my quads, my HIP FLEXORS KILL, my abs, my neck, everything. Even my intercostals hurt. (Not a good sign when your ribs and lungs are burning after the first practice...) On the plus side...I'm faster now for some reason than I was last fall...a full .2 of a second faster in the 40. AND I made a ridiculously stellar pass for a try playing speedball last night...falling down, OVER a defender, to a winger breaking on the outside. It was perfect...flat...hit the wing in-stride...anyway...I digress from my description of the complete and utter pain I'm in right now. Did I mention I'm in pain?

Oh well...only a couple of weeks of feeling slightly better than death and I'll be back in the swing and better off for it. Only about a month until our first match...I need to make it count. (Even though the spring/summer is our "fun" season...tournaments and whatnot).

Back to work....

...I'm in a rut. Not just a fun little "life is comfortable, this is a good routine" sort of rut, but a serious serious "holy christ, I'm clawing the walls here" sort of rut; I go to work Monday-Friday from 8:30 to 5:00, come home, change out of my work clothes, go back downstairs, turn on the TV (always to channel 4...), do dishes from the previous night, make dinner, eat dinner, and then either watch TV or play videogames. That's it...Monday through Friday...that's what I do EVERY SINGLE DAY. And the past two weekends haven't been any better...I haven't done anything besides drink coffee, play videogames, and do laundry.

I dunno...and I guess I shouldn't get too down, rugby IS gearing up again....in another month and a half I won't have any time to spare and I'll be out drinking far too many nights each week. It's just this crappy time of year between "holiday cheer" and "fun in the sun" that is such a killer around here.

I've been thinking...maybe I need a relationship...and then I think maybe I don't. I don't know which. Just when I get thinking about the fun/great things about a relationship, I start to remember all of the other not so great things. This is the issue I'm having...I'm in so much of a rut that I can't even THINK well lately. It's like I've lost the ability to think novel thoughts, to think outside the box (or the rut in this case).

Oh well...enough for now...back to work.

More later....