I can't get over the fact that I as well as my friends are in such a crazy part of our lives right now. Like at this point, I really don't know how I want my life to go. I can think of several different career routes I could take but none of them seem THAT appealing and even the ones that do, seem like it will take a lot of work and time to get there. I could probably just start teaching right now and do it for like 35 years as most people do and then retire. But I honestly feel like if I just teach public school music for the rest of my life I will feel like a failure and that I could do so much more. So then I think I want to teach at the college level, but maybe I'm not good enough. It's just that there's so many things I could do right now and it seems so intimidating and scary.

What is also very, very sad is that I still have maintained similar thoughts patterns I used to have when I was in my stupid bad relationship. What I mean by that is, every time I used to make a decision or take any action, my first thought would always be, "what would he think? what would he do? what if i do something he doesn't approve of, or what if i don't succeed and i look stupid? what if he does the same thing, but better? of course he will, i never do anything better..." etc. etc. I STILL have these thoughts. A lot. And it is really, really troubling. Like I'm putting together a recital right now, and I'm trying to do "the best" music, because otherwise I will look like a singer who doesn't know what she's doing. I want to go to "the best" grad school. It's like, I don't know the difference between what I WOULD have done before because I felt so much pressure to be great versus what I ACTUALLY want to do. Like right now, I don't have a job other than teaching lessons. And I really enjoy it. However, I know that I would feel the pressure to have a job because otherwise I'm "wasting time." Oh it is so stupid that I still have these awful thoughts and feelings. I am just so afraid that it is still controlling what I do and think, and that is so terrible. Why can't I just get it through my head that no one is controlling me anymore?

Lastly, I'm sad I missed Kenmore Days/Taste of Buffalo. While I had a good time at my friend's sister's grad party, it makes me sad to miss out on the good times with the Kenmore crew, especially since we are hardly ever together anymore, now that people have real jobs/husbands/houses or apartments in other places. Life is moving pretty fast...

Should I get a nifty new bike or a nifty 30 GB iPod?

Both would be useful in a variety of ways, including transportation sans paying for gas, getting exercise OR the ability to record my voice lessons digitally, having a fun little gadget to play music with, etc...

(Obviously each of those advantages apply to the bike or iPod separately.)

What do you think???

(e:Mike) and I saw X-Men 3 last night. I really love those movies. I mean I have not seen any of them more than once, in the theaters when they came out, but I always really like them. I think they are just so exciting and you never know what those crazy mutants are going to do. And I thought this for sure was the last one but they totally hinted at making a fourth, which I would be very okay with.

(e:Mike) is not crazy about these movies, I guess he would rather watch people get eaten alive. GROSS!!! Why have I never heard of this Grizzly Man movie?!?! It reminds me of Open Water but it's ACTUALLY real?! Ahhhhhhh...!!!!

Less than a week of school left.

Still no Ipod, and the kid who saw the crime happen is refusing to sign a statement, which means I don't know if the kid will get any more punishment than an out-of-school suspension. That really sucks.

But what doesn't suck is that today I get a yummy catered lunch for the teachers! And I only have to teach 2 classes and we are probably watching movies! And what also doesn't suck is summer is almost here and I can't wait!

So yesterday as I was about to leave school, I realized in alarm that my Ipod was no longer hooked up to my computer as it definitely had been that morning. I panicked and started looking everywhere I could think of and sure enough it was nowhere to be found in my classroom. So I went to the office and reported it to the secretaries and principal. I knew that if it had indeed been taken, it must have been a middle school student but that's all I knew because I had had kids in and out of my room all day.

So the principal (who is really scary to talk to) came in this morning and told me that they had called down students one by one and through interrogation, they figured out that my Ipod had indeed been stolen by a 7th grade student. I had to go down to the office just now and sign a statement about it. The kid is probably going to get arrested and I'm assuming I may get some money for it? I know the kid will get fined but I have no idea if I get anything. They think the kid may have erased everything off of my Ipod as well. Best case scenario, all of my music was deleted, because I can get that back. Worst case, everything is gone, including all of my school work. They don't even know where it is right now.

I don't even know who it is but I have my suspicions. I feel like I should partially blame myself for letting the little jerks work in groups around the classroom and not paying attention to everything. I know I shouldn't think like that but I always blame myself if things like this happen. Well anyway, I hope I don't see that student in my classroom again and while I don't wish anyone harm, I hope he gets taught a lesson, and I hope I get my stuff back.

Ugh :(

People:
1. How did you find out about/why did you become of estrip?
I found out about it from the very beginning through (e:Mike) .


2. How "out" are you about having a publicly accessible online journal. Do your friends know? Does your family know? Do your co-workers know? Does your boss know? Do you use your real name? Do you use your real photo?

Many of my friends know because they are on it, as well as my friends in school. I used to have a link in my profile to my journal. I'm pretty sure my family knows. I don't talk about it at school with my students or co-workers. I don't really want them to read it. My boss or the principal doesn't know. I've put my real name on here and my picture is on here several times as well.

3. How many epeeps have you met real life?

ummm if you don't include the ones I knew before...probably like 15?
4. How has estrip changed the way that you meet people, on and/or off line?
It really hasn't. (sorry!!!!)

5. How has estrip affected you love life?
Not much at all. I think you have to HAVE a love life first...:)

Actually I will say that I always appreciated and took to heart the comments I received after posting many angry or sad messages about an old relationship. I like to hear the many opinions of different people on the site, and it is just nice to be cheered up sometimes.

6. How many of your friends have joined estrip because of your influence?
I would say it was probably more (e:Mike) 's influence, but 5 of our close friends joined the site after we did.

7. Are you from Buffalo/do you live in Buffalo?
Yes and yes.

Equipment:
1. What type of hardware or software purchases have you made as a result of using estrip?
Um none.

2. Have you used the mobile version of estrip? Why or why not?
I think I did do something once for (e:Paul) back in the beginning to test it out, but I have not used it since then. I don't really feel the urgency to post that badly, plus I haven't taken the time to learn how to do it.

Lifestyle:
1. In what way has estrip changed your Internet surfings habits? Describe the amount of time you spend on estrip, when you use it and about how long?
When I'm at my office job, I spend probably a total of an hour a day looking at it (not all at once, usually.) I also look at it at school because it is one of the only sites I can use that is not blocked.

Otherwise I would say I use it about 5 times a week, usually in the evenings.

1a. How many journals do you usually read per day?
Somewhere between 1 and 5.

2. In what ways has estrip changed the way you perceive your local community?
I don't know for sure...I enjoy going out on the strip and recognizing people from the site or seeing an event I heard about online. I don't know if it's changed it a great deal but it definitely is always in the back of my mind when I go out. I bring a camera more often than I used to in case something fun or interesting happens that I may want to post.

3. How has journaling about your life affected the way you spend your free time?
I don't think I spend any more or less time online than I used to before I had a journal.

4. Has estrip changed your living situation in any way?
No

5. Do you find that you mediate/document more of your experiences now that you share them with others?
Yeah, as I said, I bring my camera with me very often.

6. Has publishing on estrip affected the way that write?
I don't think so. Generally, I think using messaging and online writing has made people more lazy with spelling, abbreviations, etc.

7. Do you have other online journals? If so, with what service and has estrip affected your usage of that journal?
No, unless you count Facebook.

8. Have you ever gotten in trouble for using estrip at work?
Haha, not yet...

9. If you have stopped using estrip, why?
I have not AND NEVER WILL!!!!

:)