Lately I feel like I am in a tough spot. You know when you have to say something that is going to make someone unhappy and you would do anything to avoid it but it's one of those things that has to be done? That's how I feel. There are only a few things in life that I would really not be willing to compromise if I knew that it would make someone I cared about happy, but it seems like this is one of them. I hate being in the position to upset someone. ahhhhckkk.

Thesis is not going to be done on time.

I'm teaching a class Friday that I know nothing about.

Interview on Monday that I don't want to go to.

Stressing because Buffalo is so freakin mismanaged.

that's all, thank goodness

There is an entire like of Casa Visco sauces in the grocery stores in Schenectady. (e:Mike) and (e:Paul) do you have any family in Rotterdam, because that's where this stuff is from. I will let you know how it tastes...

First off, Happy Valentine's Day!

I don't understand why so many people hate Valentine's Day. I know that it can make you feel sad to see so many people in love if you aren't but Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about love with a partner. I received cards for this "holiday" from the most important people in my life and none of them were a boyfriend. (Thanks (e:Mike) for the awesome card...I'm in it forever :)) The only people i bought cards for this year were my mother, grandmothers, and Mary (a family friend). I think it's great to have a day when you can tell the people you love how much they mean.

I know usual gripe (which I just recently heard from my roommate) about Valentine's Day being a commercial fabrication; not really a holiday, just a way to make money. My response to that is that in our society EVERYTHING is seen as a way to make money, that should devalue it. All holidays, even the most religious, are slutted-out to drum up sales. I think that if there was going to be a day created to increase greeting card sales or chocolate consumption then having it be about sharing love isn't all that bad. Furthermore, you don't need to spend a lot of money to get in the spirit of Valentine's Day. Homemade gifts are always the best in my book.

I guess I just wish that people could take a glass half-full approach to Valentine's Day. Most people have someone they love and many people who love them. Rather than focus on the fact that you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend, why can't you look at what you do have? Maybe I just view it this way because I was raised to see Valentine's Day as a time to tell all the people you love how important they are. It was more of a family affair than a couple's thing in my house. I think that's the way it should be.

In any event, I would like to take this chance to say I love you to all the people who mean so much to me. If I've done my job you know who you are.

My roommate has been gone for a little over 24 hours and I am bored silly. I like having the apartment all to myself, but once the ability to walk around naked lost its excitement I found myself tired of being alone. I have a lot of work I can do but it's hard for me to be productive unless I have had some down time first. I guess I have come to realize that I don't really feel like I can relax when I am all by myself. It's weird because I am very much of a solitary person. I mean I like being around people but when it comes down to it I enjoy being alone more than most. But lately I have been lonely and bored. I need social stimulation. Something is lacking...

Beside those profound thoughts, I have noticed that my behavior is really strange when I am by myself. Why is it that I can't sleep with my bedroom door open? I mean, I know that no one is in the apartment, so why do I need to close it and lock it to sleep? Also, I close the door and lock it when I go to the bathroom. There is really no need for any of these things. I realize that most people would think that i do it out of habit but that's not it. I have consciously thought about what I am doing and then tried not to do it, and I just couldn't sleep or pee. It's something about security I'm sure, but it must be pretty strong if I can't override it by thinking about it consciously.

Last thing. I really hate it when people lie. No, this isn't an epiphany I have come to after years of thinking that I really loved it when I was being lied to. It's just that lately I have noticed that people lie a lot about stupid little things. I do it too. I know that it makes me a hypocrite to say that I want other people to stop doing something that I know I do too, but I find it hard to justify other people's lies and easy to justify my own. I am sure that's how people are able to lie. Sometimes I can see why people do it, for convenience, or because they genuinely think it's better for someone else. It's just that I don't understand why they let it get so out of hand. I find omitting info to be so much scarier than lying because at least with a lie you probably have the feeling that what you are doing is wrong. When someone leaves out details it can easily slip right by the conscience. I don't know why I am rambling about this. I need my roommate to come home or a live person who doesn't have a swim meet to worry about so that I can talk to someone. ugh, I am in a strange mood.

(p.s. Jess, like the title?)

Okay so lately I have been noticing this crazy amount of cars with "W in '04" bumper stickers. Like the circular ones and the rectangular ones that say Bush Cheney in '04. It seems like in the past couple weeks the number of these stickers has risen dramatically where I go to school. I think that the W '04 Phenomenon, as I would like to call it, is a product of all of the people who were Bush supporters during the election but felt embarrassed. I'm sure no one wanted to admit that they supported the dumb guy that they themselves didn't think would win. However, now that Bush won AND he has been inaugurated I think that people want to admit that they supported the side that got into office. I think it's pretty pathetic if you don't feel strongly enough about the side that you are on to admit it to other people without being embarrassed. I realize there were some people who did openly support Bush (and plastered their cars with those ugly stickers) and some people just don’t like bumper sticker. But obviously there are plenty of people who felt like putting a bumper sticker on their car would be too much of a commitment. Just imagine that...you will vote for someone, but you are too afraid to put a bumper sticker on your car that says you support them. I mean after all, what would happen if you had put it on and then they lost?? Maybe you'd have to hold firm in your convictions. Parish the thought!

On another note, graduate school interviews are scary!! :o