i have been completely devoid of estrip for the past five days, or so. why is my computer so dumb? the answer is easy, its really old, and was never good in the first place. perhaps my recent separation from the strip has caused this horrible mood i am currently in.
i want it to go away, right now. i think this is the normal cycle of moods. i am happy most of the time, and then sad for a while. i think i have just reason. the biggest change of my life thus far is in the process of happening, and it is making me feel not quite together. other emotions include, fear, lonliness, anger, and blah, blah , blah. the most upsetting thing is that i have to let go of this mazing piece of family history i have lived in for over 14 years now. i love you 27 Mang, you will be in my heart forever. i heart you.
the good news. well there is just so much. my friend nicole comes home soon, and we have so much planned for this crazy summer. lots of other people are coming home too. but, nicole has pool and hottub. summer is coming, and there aint nothin bad about that. oh summer, how i have missed you. we will be happy together, when you finally come.
tina leaves thurs or fri...sigh. i am really going to cry very hard. this will not be good. this is no good. tina, if you don't come back to visit this summer, i will hunt you down, in bali, or wherever the hell you are, and bring you back here, and make you stay until i get sick of you. then, you can go stay with flacidness, or estrip peoples.
i wrote too much. i am going to find some pizza. pizza is the new love of my life.

don't want to write much, i am not in a typing mood, or writing mood for that matter. maria stopped by today. matthew terry and i went for a nice long walk. i feel refreshed. met with my aunt today, and i shall live with her for the summer. yay! i have so much stuff to do...shit.

it seems that life is constantly making us wait. waiting for the phone to ring. waiting to hear to good or bad news. waiting for someone or something, just sitting, or pacing and wanting that monet to come and be over with. well, i do not want to wait anymore. enough of this passiveness.

in other words, if you make me wait, i might not be there when you are ready for me.

note to flacidness: i cannot resist temptation either. or is it that i am looking for something, and when i find it, i no longer have the need to have everything? you will find your thing, and thn you will no longer have so much desire.
did that make sense? am i making sense?

this journal is fun to keep, but also somewhat frustrating. i guess i know that people read it, or i think they do, so i neverreally say what i would say in a "real" journal. i don't have any other place where i record my thoughts, so it goes here, as least a little bit. tina and i were talking about this today. so, my question is, do i really care? i guess i do, because of the fear of seeming crazy, completely self-abosrbed, stupid, petty, or any number of things people don't want to be. i think that most people are really all of these things and just do an amazinfg job of hiding it. i would rahter just be exactly who i am, and write that way, instead of hiding it all the time. some stuff should remain unsaid, but the rest, i urge you just to let it all out.
here goes: i am way too convincable. i need to just do something when i say i am going to do it. this starts tomorrow. i'm a huge baby, and i'm afraid to do stuff for myself. but, the truth is, that i am the only one who gets hurt in the end. i am gonna find some jobs, and work my ass off, and maybe have a little fun in b/t. if i have to live with a crazy, alcoholic aunt for a few months, i will do it. they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so we will give it a go.

i'm going to stop making excuses. i will start to pay back debt. i will excercise. i wil eat more healthy. i will become more politically involved. i will become less involved and concerned with other people's opinions of me. i will try to educate myself and search out truth.

this is a long "i will" list. but things around here are gonna change; for real this time. no more bullshit. and in the end, well, there is no end, but i will start tomorrow, by scoping out the alcoholic's pad, and perhaps some job hunting.

that is what i have been thinking; its not political, or intelligent. its just whats on my mind, and it feels good to get it out in writing, or typing rather.

p.s. have you ever started to laugh when you know you are not supposed to, but it ends up making you laugh even more. like, in class, or during a presentation? i did that today, and it was all tina's fault.

lots of stuff happened yesterday. i am too lazy to write in sentences, so i will list:

• bush came, i slept. i feel bad. i wish i had been there.
  
• 4/20-enough said
  
• i recieved flowers for the first time ever, and i am still wearing some in my hair.
  
• a day filled with terry, matthew, flacidness, the simeon, and tina can never be dull.
  
• we came, we smoked, we laughed, we cried from laughing so hard.
  
• who can forget the "milkshake"? if you don't know what that is, just go to www.ebaumsworld.com and check out the videos, look for the one milkshake, and you will never think of the song or the drink the same way again.
  
• i have decided that pyhsical humor is the kind that makes me laugh the hardest and longest, is this wrong?