Leave your comments to yourself. I'll just go and delete them anyway. I'm not interested in your frothing at the mouth counter arguments. I did not sully your pristine, shinier than shiny name. I did not drag your name through the mud. If that were my intention I would have brought up many other more personal, more scathing things that have pissed me off over the past years, and my words would be full of bitterness, not sorrow.
This is MY SPACE, the ONLY SPACE that I have in the world to air my grievances, as neither you nor any of our friends are interested in hearing me out whenever I have a problem. If I'm upset I am forced to bottle it up and let it fester. Do you really think that I'm going to let you manipulate what I say on here, by showing me your obsessive/compulsive behavior when someone says something that pisses you off, no matter how true it is? Do you really think that you can make me "check myself" on my own journal?
To paraphrase Jesus, it is not what goes into a man's mouth that defiles him, it is what comes out of his mouth that makes him unclean, because what comes out of a man's mouth comes from his heart. I think about this very carefully before I say something about someone. Do you? I did not do you wrong. I laid out a factual account of my grievances and I'm sorry that you're upset but what do you expect when I can't talk to you about any of this? You don't want to listen to me. It's either I air this stuff out somehow, or I lose my shit altogether.
Jason
PS - Contrary to what you might think, yes I am depressed.
Jason's Journal
My Podcast Link
08/21/2005 10:12 #23544
JoshyCategory: rant
08/20/2005 23:46 #23543
IPTV and EnergyCategory: business
Here is an article from National Review about IPTV:
I like the idea of being able to tailor-make your tv environment. I don't watch most of what's on tv. If I could have sports, educational programming, history channel, discovery, sci fi - I would probably have everything I want. I wonder how this will play out in the future, given that companies eschew technology advances when it won't make them money.
I don't like the fact that we don't have choices when it comes to certain things - like electricity and cable tv. It's true, Adelphia owns Buffalo. You can't get away from their advertising (I noticed that the big screen on Chippewa (e:Paul) posted about recently pimped Adelphia). Cable TV and other business sectors own monopolies all over the USA. In general I like my Adelphia internet - it is much much better than DSL and costs the same. I also like my digital cable. I've discovered lots of programming that I never knew existed. One thing I know for sure is that if other cable providers were allowed to compete with Adelphia in the Buffalo market we all would get better service and better prices. Will that ever happen? HA! No way - like the article says local governments are complicit in this kind of travesty.
When are utilities or cable providers ever subject to competition, like every other kind of business? I'm beginning to move toward the left when it comes to regulating certain industries - it is obvious we are being taken for a ride when it comes to energy. I remember back in Jamestown - the city of Jamestown has its own electricity company, under the authority of the city government. Service is great and prices are cheap. Oil companies are making record profits. Energy companies make backroom deals with politicians to screw us over.
I'm beginning to think that certain industries are too important to leave to our capitalist structure - energy being the most important. We also will be slow to receive technological advances in this industry because of profit concerns. There are so many political decisions made in the interest of keeping our energy needs intact. I can't wait for the day when we can tell the middle east FUCK OFF, KEEP YOUR DIRTY OIL. I am not naive enough to think this can happen overnight, but we should be making a serious push to a near-future of energy independence. Well, at least as long as it isn't in our own back yard!
Jason
I like the idea of being able to tailor-make your tv environment. I don't watch most of what's on tv. If I could have sports, educational programming, history channel, discovery, sci fi - I would probably have everything I want. I wonder how this will play out in the future, given that companies eschew technology advances when it won't make them money.
I don't like the fact that we don't have choices when it comes to certain things - like electricity and cable tv. It's true, Adelphia owns Buffalo. You can't get away from their advertising (I noticed that the big screen on Chippewa (e:Paul) posted about recently pimped Adelphia). Cable TV and other business sectors own monopolies all over the USA. In general I like my Adelphia internet - it is much much better than DSL and costs the same. I also like my digital cable. I've discovered lots of programming that I never knew existed. One thing I know for sure is that if other cable providers were allowed to compete with Adelphia in the Buffalo market we all would get better service and better prices. Will that ever happen? HA! No way - like the article says local governments are complicit in this kind of travesty.
When are utilities or cable providers ever subject to competition, like every other kind of business? I'm beginning to move toward the left when it comes to regulating certain industries - it is obvious we are being taken for a ride when it comes to energy. I remember back in Jamestown - the city of Jamestown has its own electricity company, under the authority of the city government. Service is great and prices are cheap. Oil companies are making record profits. Energy companies make backroom deals with politicians to screw us over.
I'm beginning to think that certain industries are too important to leave to our capitalist structure - energy being the most important. We also will be slow to receive technological advances in this industry because of profit concerns. There are so many political decisions made in the interest of keeping our energy needs intact. I can't wait for the day when we can tell the middle east FUCK OFF, KEEP YOUR DIRTY OIL. I am not naive enough to think this can happen overnight, but we should be making a serious push to a near-future of energy independence. Well, at least as long as it isn't in our own back yard!
Jason
08/21/2005 08:37 #23542
Baring My Soul!Category: deep thoughts
I am a fuck up. A loser. A nobody.
I am fucking up so bad. I'm on the verge of getting canned. I can't bother myself to do simple things around the house. I can't take care of myself. I can't manage to pay bills even though I have the money. I can't manage to take my meds regularly. I can't manage to do anything but sleep lately. I don't get excited about anything. Going to sleep is the only thing I look forward to.
Everything that has to do with this is my fault. I did this all to myself. Joshy says my depression doesn't have much to do with it. Dad calls me asking me if I'm okay and I don't want to worry him so I always say "Yeah Dad, I'm fine, everything is fine." The truth is that no, I'm not okay, not by a long shot. I don't know what my problem is. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've written about this a number of times but I'm not improving.
I feel like something has to change, or else I will end up a street bum or, God forbid, in a ditch. I know this shit is too sad and too difficult to read so I don't blame you. I want to be happy, I want to be a success. I want to pull out of this mess and laugh about it. I just don't think I have the will. Everyone who talks to me worries more about how this shit affects them. Joshy says I am self centered and spend too much time thinking about myself. Yes, maybe if I worry about everyone else my problems will go away. I worried about everyone else for a long time and it got me used, leeched off of, thrown away, and so forth. As long as I keep at work and pull in those paychecks everyone will be satisfied with me. Nobody asks or cares or wonders about my state of mind until something drastic happens. The most important thing, the thing that's emphasized the most, isn't that I become a happy or that I learn to cope with my problems - it is that I go to work and pull in paychecks. As long as that happens it is A-OK that I'm a miserable unhappy fuck! It is easier for some people to shit out a solid gold turd than to offer me caring or encouraging words. I am done talking to my family about this shit. Never again!
So I promise I won't rant about this shit ever again. I'm done talking about it. Please hold me to it. You all have your own issues ot deal with. You don't want to read this crap. Sometimes I think if I don't get it out my head will burst open. I don't know how to fix this stuff and don't know if I'll be able to. In the coming months all will be revealed. I'm going to get some Sparks and cry myself to sleep.
Peace Out!
I am fucking up so bad. I'm on the verge of getting canned. I can't bother myself to do simple things around the house. I can't take care of myself. I can't manage to pay bills even though I have the money. I can't manage to take my meds regularly. I can't manage to do anything but sleep lately. I don't get excited about anything. Going to sleep is the only thing I look forward to.
Everything that has to do with this is my fault. I did this all to myself. Joshy says my depression doesn't have much to do with it. Dad calls me asking me if I'm okay and I don't want to worry him so I always say "Yeah Dad, I'm fine, everything is fine." The truth is that no, I'm not okay, not by a long shot. I don't know what my problem is. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've written about this a number of times but I'm not improving.
I feel like something has to change, or else I will end up a street bum or, God forbid, in a ditch. I know this shit is too sad and too difficult to read so I don't blame you. I want to be happy, I want to be a success. I want to pull out of this mess and laugh about it. I just don't think I have the will. Everyone who talks to me worries more about how this shit affects them. Joshy says I am self centered and spend too much time thinking about myself. Yes, maybe if I worry about everyone else my problems will go away. I worried about everyone else for a long time and it got me used, leeched off of, thrown away, and so forth. As long as I keep at work and pull in those paychecks everyone will be satisfied with me. Nobody asks or cares or wonders about my state of mind until something drastic happens. The most important thing, the thing that's emphasized the most, isn't that I become a happy or that I learn to cope with my problems - it is that I go to work and pull in paychecks. As long as that happens it is A-OK that I'm a miserable unhappy fuck! It is easier for some people to shit out a solid gold turd than to offer me caring or encouraging words. I am done talking to my family about this shit. Never again!
So I promise I won't rant about this shit ever again. I'm done talking about it. Please hold me to it. You all have your own issues ot deal with. You don't want to read this crap. Sometimes I think if I don't get it out my head will burst open. I don't know how to fix this stuff and don't know if I'll be able to. In the coming months all will be revealed. I'm going to get some Sparks and cry myself to sleep.
Peace Out!
ladycroft - 08/21/05 12:06
No, don’t stop writing. If you bottle it up you will in fact, explode. Many people simply don’t understand depression and find it hard to be compassionate. Sometimes we get to run through the poppy fields in life, other times we trudge through the mud. Here’s to you finding that next poppy field! P.S. Good lyrics (e:Metalpeter).
No, don’t stop writing. If you bottle it up you will in fact, explode. Many people simply don’t understand depression and find it hard to be compassionate. Sometimes we get to run through the poppy fields in life, other times we trudge through the mud. Here’s to you finding that next poppy field! P.S. Good lyrics (e:Metalpeter).
metalpeter - 08/21/05 09:57
I admit I don't really know what to say or if anything I say will help but here goes.
I'm kinda a loser my self. You should see how messy my place is, it is a sty. I have a bad habit of paying bills late cause I forgetwhen they are due.
I think ones outlook on life can help them battle through tough times weather it be depression, loss of a loved one, humilation or what ever problem them have. I myself can't stand those chery people who are always happy and smily and always have a positive outlook on everything. But it is good to have a positive outlook on stuff and try not to worry. This coming from the guy who really isn't going anywhare in life and is single and can't have good relationships but other then that, i'm a great guy.
I'm a fan of a Hardcore band called Hatebreed. There biggest hit is on Their CD and the XXX soundtrack it has some verry positive and inspirtional lyrics it goes something like this: (not exact lyrics)
Now Is the time For me to rise
Wipe the spit from my face
wipe these tears from my eyes
I have to get my life back
later he sings about getting his life back and bringing meaning to his life, about how he been lead astry and how he will have his voice be heard. It is verry inspirational if you can uderstand what he is saying in some parts of the song I can't tell what he is saying and it is one of my favorite songs.
I wish you luck and hope you start looking forward to stuff. I think a lot of people define them sleves by bringing home money and it is good to pay the bills, but if working to many hours makes you misreable and you can't spend the money or have fun with it what's the point.
I admit I don't really know what to say or if anything I say will help but here goes.
I'm kinda a loser my self. You should see how messy my place is, it is a sty. I have a bad habit of paying bills late cause I forgetwhen they are due.
I think ones outlook on life can help them battle through tough times weather it be depression, loss of a loved one, humilation or what ever problem them have. I myself can't stand those chery people who are always happy and smily and always have a positive outlook on everything. But it is good to have a positive outlook on stuff and try not to worry. This coming from the guy who really isn't going anywhare in life and is single and can't have good relationships but other then that, i'm a great guy.
I'm a fan of a Hardcore band called Hatebreed. There biggest hit is on Their CD and the XXX soundtrack it has some verry positive and inspirtional lyrics it goes something like this: (not exact lyrics)
Now Is the time For me to rise
Wipe the spit from my face
wipe these tears from my eyes
I have to get my life back
later he sings about getting his life back and bringing meaning to his life, about how he been lead astry and how he will have his voice be heard. It is verry inspirational if you can uderstand what he is saying in some parts of the song I can't tell what he is saying and it is one of my favorite songs.
I wish you luck and hope you start looking forward to stuff. I think a lot of people define them sleves by bringing home money and it is good to pay the bills, but if working to many hours makes you misreable and you can't spend the money or have fun with it what's the point.
08/18/2005 15:49 #23541
Sex-a-Thon 2005!Category: sex
So (e:Alison), (e:Ladycroft) and I had a brief discussion about how women want to get laid as much as men do, and that we men shouldn't think that it's so hard to get sex. Whaaat?!? Tell that to every guy I know. Well first of all I usually carry myself like a scrub so it's no surprise that I don't have chicks wanting to get all up inside my jeans. But even so if we want sex we have to jump through hoops and play games and spend all kinds of money, plus pretend that we're not the hornballs that we really are.
So there are many people here who would love to have sexual relations, each of us with different moral lines drawn. What do YOU do when you're horny and don't have a penis/vagina to satisfy yourself with? Do you pull a Jason and scan your hard drive for your best high-quality porn vids? Do you self-serve to release the tension?
Some people say "I won't have sex with just anyone", and that depletes your boneable pool significantly. I see girls every day that I want to have sex with. They are so beautiful. Maybe that's just a male/female difference. If you want to have sex and don't have a reliable source I have some suggestions.
A) Find a "Go-To" sex partner who you really aren't interested in romantically, and who isn't interested in you romantically. You can be friends and whatnot, you can care about each other, but no romance. Just a little "Hey how ya been" every now and then.
B) Continue to be sexless, and do whatever it is you feel you have to do to feel better about yourself.
C) Sex-a-Thon 2005!!!
Now I know some of you are thinking "What is Sex-a-Thon 2005, and how can I participate?" Sex-a-Thon is an event made up by myself, (e:Jason), created with the purpose of satisfying everyones needs (well, almost everyone). Why should ready and willing (albeit, a little shy) people not have what they deserve? Why should people have to go sexless? Here are the rules:
A) All Sex-a-Thon events are to happen at one venue: 750
B) Sex-a-Thon will happen when (e:Joshua) is away
C) Only women are invited to participate (sorry boys!)
D) (e:Jason) will oversee each event and participate as well
E) There will be two divisions: one on one, and two on one
F) (e:Jason)'s word is law at 750. If he says face down ass up, he means it!
There you go. Happy fornicating!
Jason
So there are many people here who would love to have sexual relations, each of us with different moral lines drawn. What do YOU do when you're horny and don't have a penis/vagina to satisfy yourself with? Do you pull a Jason and scan your hard drive for your best high-quality porn vids? Do you self-serve to release the tension?
Some people say "I won't have sex with just anyone", and that depletes your boneable pool significantly. I see girls every day that I want to have sex with. They are so beautiful. Maybe that's just a male/female difference. If you want to have sex and don't have a reliable source I have some suggestions.
A) Find a "Go-To" sex partner who you really aren't interested in romantically, and who isn't interested in you romantically. You can be friends and whatnot, you can care about each other, but no romance. Just a little "Hey how ya been" every now and then.
B) Continue to be sexless, and do whatever it is you feel you have to do to feel better about yourself.
C) Sex-a-Thon 2005!!!
Now I know some of you are thinking "What is Sex-a-Thon 2005, and how can I participate?" Sex-a-Thon is an event made up by myself, (e:Jason), created with the purpose of satisfying everyones needs (well, almost everyone). Why should ready and willing (albeit, a little shy) people not have what they deserve? Why should people have to go sexless? Here are the rules:
A) All Sex-a-Thon events are to happen at one venue: 750
B) Sex-a-Thon will happen when (e:Joshua) is away
C) Only women are invited to participate (sorry boys!)
D) (e:Jason) will oversee each event and participate as well
E) There will be two divisions: one on one, and two on one
F) (e:Jason)'s word is law at 750. If he says face down ass up, he means it!
There you go. Happy fornicating!
Jason
ladycroft - 08/20/05 12:06
Where do I sign up?
Where do I sign up?
ajay - 08/18/05 21:26
Jason, if you spent as much time talking to women as you do talking about sex, you'd get laid in no time. Don't just flirt with women on (e:Strip); flirt with them in real life! And then shazam! Next thing you know, they're asking for your house keys. Trust me, I know. And lets just leave it at that...
Jason, if you spent as much time talking to women as you do talking about sex, you'd get laid in no time. Don't just flirt with women on (e:Strip); flirt with them in real life! And then shazam! Next thing you know, they're asking for your house keys. Trust me, I know. And lets just leave it at that...
metalpeter - 08/18/05 18:35
Sounds like a fun Idea. I think you should allow 3 girls then you can do one and watch two go at it or make one girl wait. But it is up to you so do what ever you want. You should put an add in the back of the shit rags as you call them if it takes off turn it into a business where you set up guys with the girls you could be the elmwood pimp. You wouldn't charge for sex between the guy and girls. You would charge for setting things up or for the contacts.
I think most of us guys see girls and go dam I'd like to have her on my dinner plate. but for me that is mostly with girls I don't know. But other then the sex-a-thon porn works. I think a lot of women wouldn't admit that they love there vibrators, it is more hidden with them. But I did hear one day on allen a girl and some guys talking about Tea Bagging as they walked down the street. Some ladies openly admit that they love there sex toys.
Sounds like a fun Idea. I think you should allow 3 girls then you can do one and watch two go at it or make one girl wait. But it is up to you so do what ever you want. You should put an add in the back of the shit rags as you call them if it takes off turn it into a business where you set up guys with the girls you could be the elmwood pimp. You wouldn't charge for sex between the guy and girls. You would charge for setting things up or for the contacts.
I think most of us guys see girls and go dam I'd like to have her on my dinner plate. but for me that is mostly with girls I don't know. But other then the sex-a-thon porn works. I think a lot of women wouldn't admit that they love there vibrators, it is more hidden with them. But I did hear one day on allen a girl and some guys talking about Tea Bagging as they walked down the street. Some ladies openly admit that they love there sex toys.
08/18/2005 13:44 #23540
Weird Dreams, In a RutCategory: potpourri
Once again I had a messed up dream. Rhonda (some of you may remember her as the ex-friend I told to piss off) was trapped in a dangerous complex, and it was up to me to save her and get her out. It was different though, because whenever I saved her she was in another predicament, or she would run away. Eventually I got tired of running/flying after her and said "Why are you doing this?" So we got into an argument about how she doesn't want to be with me, and oh yeah she cheated when we were together. She used to always be proud of the fact that she never cheated on me. She used to always reinforce that. So in the dream I was like WTF? In the dream I wanted to be with her really bad. That does not reflect how I feel normally. I determined that wouldn't work out long ago. Shit, she couldn't even bother to give me the time of day when we were friends. That's why I told her to buzz off in the first place. Weird...
I've also been falling into a rut again - I really don't care about much. This includes many facets of my life including work, food, and health. I keep on forgetting stuff and messing up. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. I just don't care what happens to me. I do not worry. Nothing excites me. Maybe I just need to get laid. Maybe I need to be doing something that excites me. Maybe I need love in my life. I don't know. All of this shit seems out of my reach. One thing that gives me joy is to bring other people up, compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. I've enjoyed that lately. Imagine that, someone who feels so down but gets off on seeing others happier. I'll have to keep on doing that...
One thing I'm doing is trying new things. Today I am going to Shakespeare in the Park with the inimitable (e:Ladycroft). Remind me to get in a better mood over the next few hours. I've never checked it out so I'm intrigued to see what it's all about. Plus my neighbor is playing the part of Hamlet. I think it should be pretty cool!
Jason
I've also been falling into a rut again - I really don't care about much. This includes many facets of my life including work, food, and health. I keep on forgetting stuff and messing up. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. I just don't care what happens to me. I do not worry. Nothing excites me. Maybe I just need to get laid. Maybe I need to be doing something that excites me. Maybe I need love in my life. I don't know. All of this shit seems out of my reach. One thing that gives me joy is to bring other people up, compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. I've enjoyed that lately. Imagine that, someone who feels so down but gets off on seeing others happier. I'll have to keep on doing that...
One thing I'm doing is trying new things. Today I am going to Shakespeare in the Park with the inimitable (e:Ladycroft). Remind me to get in a better mood over the next few hours. I've never checked it out so I'm intrigued to see what it's all about. Plus my neighbor is playing the part of Hamlet. I think it should be pretty cool!
Jason
ladycroft - 08/18/05 14:03
THAT Paul is your neighbor...it just now clicked. That's too cool, he was freaking spectacular as Mercutio in Romeo & Juliet. This is going to be super!
THAT Paul is your neighbor...it just now clicked. That's too cool, he was freaking spectacular as Mercutio in Romeo & Juliet. This is going to be super!
jason - 08/18/05 13:00
Yes, Paul and Michelle are my neighbors. Very cool folks. I'm gonna get Michelle to introduce me to those yoga girls someday! MuahahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
Yes, Paul and Michelle are my neighbors. Very cool folks. I'm gonna get Michelle to introduce me to those yoga girls someday! MuahahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
alison - 08/18/05 12:52
paul todaro is yr neighbor? neato. i used to take a dance class from michelle.
paul todaro is yr neighbor? neato. i used to take a dance class from michelle.
I love my digital cable. There are a couple new Indemand chanels now. You can find almost any interest on cable with all the stations they have.
I do remeber that there used to be competion. In the City you got TCI the suburbs where Adelphia there where actully differant packages of chanels depending on where you lived in the burbs there where 2 differant Adelphia's. I belive Cable Vision and TCI competed for some time. There where rummors of Warner Brothers cable coming into buffalo and competing. Adelphia bought out TCI. Not sure if Adelphia was bought or if it merged. There is competion but it is in a dish. I know there are two companies and maybe a 3rd small one.
I think competion is good. It helps keep prices down and would get more options of picking stations. One thing I do have to say about Direct TV is they do have the NFL package that almost got me to try it. I want to look into what NFL on demand is that Adelphia is offering it was free for a little whiele when there wasn't a NFL Season. NFL network came on so late the season was basicly over but this season I did watch some of the Bills scrimadge. I look forward to seeing what it has. I wish Adelphia would get WWE 24/7 I might get it depending on price. There are a lot of stations out there we don't get that if there was competetion we might. Like why don't we get all the local candian stations and a couple more NYC stations.