I have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, each telling me to do very different things right now. I've already made my poor judgments and bad decisions in this situation. I let my need for sex and affection get the better of me. You see ever since mother left us when I was a baby I think I've had some kind of extra desire to be loved and cared for. I've been so fucking lonely for some time now and combined with horniness it made me do things that are really beyond what I thought I was capable of.

One thing is for certain - I feel guilty. No....I certainly AM guilty, and so are you. And so you should feel guilty as well. When you were over the other night I said I didn't feel badly at all for your boyfriend, not even a little. I meant it at the time, but when I woke up today I was overcome with sadness and self-loathing. We should have drawn a line and not crossed it. You know that I've been on the other side before. You know how much being cheated on affected me, how it hurt me, how it destroyed my self esteem. Now I'm the one who helped you cheat. Now I'm the other man. I guess if it wasn't me it would be some other fool, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

When you left the other night I saw your away message said "Watching a movie here at home" when in reality you were at my house, getting very familiar with me until 5 AM. I realized I was part of a deception. I kinow you said that he treats you like crap, and that you always argue, but that's only one side of the story! And even if all of it were true, it doesn't justify what we are doing. Nothing justifies the lying, the cheating, the deception....regardless if you pity him or feel bad because it's the holiday season....we should never have done this to the guy. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Let me ask you a question - you've been cheated on, right? So why would you be okay with inflicting that on someone? Oh, and you didn't know this, but I am very aware you have been on Match.com. Why would an attached person be looking for dates? If you really felt pity, if you really felt compassion you would just break up with the guy.

Although I've already made my mistakes and poor decisions, I can't do it any longer. I'm disgusted with myself. The devil on my shoulder says to just enjoy the sex, because I can always just dump you whenever I want. The angel on the other side says to leave you alone and let the situation work itself out between the two of you. When another person is introduced it becomes unacceptable, no matter what. I look and the mirror and want to throw up because I hate what I've been doing.I can't live my life like this. I'm not being the guy Gramma would be proud of. And anyway what would make me think that you would be any more loyal to me than you were to him? I can't be guaranteed, and I would never give my heart to someone who I don't trust with it.

So we have to stop today, take a few steps back and not see each other for a while. The circumstances aren't right. If you were just single and looking it would be different. Maybe someday in the future it can be different, maybe not. I don't know. I have to try and work through my guilt and self-loathing on my own. I'm sorry if you're disappointed. I'm disappointed too. We all want to be loved and to be happy, but this is not the way to get there. I hope you can learn to understand where I'm coming from someday.

Jason

Paul's cryptic message was simply a quotation mark. Reference Ajay's chr(34) problem in his post title from earlier.

Jason (Takes a Nerd to Know One? Heh! Sorry to spill the beans!)

Yeah, I think I may go with a Sidekick 2. I'm getting really excited about it which means that I'll get trigger happy and buy it today. Must...wait....

Damn, Paul, have you not already considered consulting a lawyer to see what legal recourse you have? Reading about your landlord situation makes ME pissed. That guy is a snake in the grass for sure. Good luck to you guys in getting that stuff settled.

Jason

Check it out!



Jason