...is you are exactly the same as you used to be.


I think the expression "I've seen better days" applies here. Nothing was particularly bad about it...got up, went online, ate breakfast, took a shower, looked over the schedule for RHS, molly picked me up, went to blockbuster, went to spot, went to her apartment that is still filled with boxes from moving in and watched tv. came home, ate a salad and yogurt, and here i sit.
But sadly enough, tho my body was going thru the motions of a typically normal day, my mind was elsewhere. My mind, quite frankly, was in Little Falls.

Currently I have found one other reason to like this journal community. None of my catty friends are going to comment on what i intend to type and yell at me.

As i was saying, my mind was halfway across the state. Not that i had ever been there, unless you count that 7 minutes at the service station when molly and i were returning from NYC, but still...I couldn't get it out of my head.
And that just isn't fair.

I don't know why I suddenly turned from dramaqueen to deaf, dumb, and mute when it came to him. Every other tiem it was just another story, just another mistake, just another soap opera or love affair or one that got away.
But with Mark, I didn't cry. I cried more when he was here, actually. But he never made me cry. When he left, I completely ignored his departure. I didn't talk to Jaime about it, didn't cry to Katy, didn't obsesse the whole thing over and over with nick and kevin and todd like we have since we were 12.
i didn't even write about it, which is strange enough for me. and i don't know why this is all catching up to me now. i don't think anyone ever really loved me the way he did. and i must admit i always felt terrible for the fact i never quite felt the same way about him. I did love him, but not how i loved dennis, or nick, or mike, or even he-whom-we-do-not-speak-of.
I don't know why he's in my head but i hate it cuz he's completely throwing me off base.
Dork.

I need to get out of this mood I'm in. while it makes for great poetry it also makes for slow days and nagging thoughts. I'm glad cuz i get to see Todd tomorrow, and kevin, and no one gets me the way they do. I've known kev since birth and todd since 6th grade and they have seen me at my best and worst, seen me grow and change and still they love me just as they always did. same thing as with beth, even tho her job and boyfriend and dolores keep her so busy and we don't see each other as much. i miss my friends like that. like meg. she's interning in DC and i didn't get a chance to say goodbye, and I wish I did, because she is the one i can call anytime for anything, even if we havent spoken in months. and then theres nick, of course, may he rot.
but they all have the power to destroy a bad mood.

im going to the beach with molly tomorrow, despite the fact that i can't be in the sun cuz of my medication...SPF 500 is definitly needed. a vacation is definitly needed, actually.

5 days until my birthday.

And so I start yet another online journal...
I like the appeal of this one tho because its all community based, which is good for advertising my companies productions. I was at the pride parade with my friends Jaime, Molly, and Zac and ran into Jill there, and she gave me this piece of paper describing the site. Press whore that I am, anything that could in anyway help my company in any respect must be looked into. =)

Except right now I'm not really sure what to write.
Hmm...well, I went to the pride parade, and I got to see Zac. When GLYS walked by he practically lunged out of the crowd and attacked me and Jaime. He said that he would come back and work for me this summer, which is excellent. I am always looking for those who will work their fingers to the bone for no pay and much gratitude. He's got some fundraising ideas which is excellent since we can't even establish a measley 100$ to rent out Rustbelt Books. The next show is Mental Tautotogy, which I wrote last year...it's about the stigma of mental health on society, and challenges the basis of what's wrong and right. After that is Stonewall in Reverse, which I fear will never get done because it pushes the envelope too much for most venues. For instance, if I tried to take it to a church, I would probably be excommunicated.

See, this is the thing. My mother says that it makes people nervous to do work that stetches limits, yet both of the independent youth companies in Buffalo refuse to preform anything but that. As Vivie says: "My shows are always either about love, sex, religion, or politics. Your's are always about love, sex, religion, politics, drugs, insanity, homosexuality, or violence. no wonder we make them cringe."
But no matter how much I make people nervous, i never lie. I always tell the truth straight out. When I wrote Long December, the theatre wanted me to cut out the part where Celina throws the chair at Vinnie. I refused to budge on this. Whne you find out the love of your life is gay, what are you going to do? Punch him in the jaw. (at least thats what i did) or at least throw a chair at him, if youre not in the mood to teach your cast how to stage fight. But they sighted that it would be violence in a hate crime fashion. I beg to differ. It is violence in a "you just broke my heart and i am not hitting you because your gay but because you should have tole me sooner" type of way.
If that makes sense.

My head hurts. I was in the sun too long and then i spent the all night at Molly's and my head is now pounding. I have rehearsal tomorrow for the Rocky Horror Show with Colloquial, and then me, jamie, kevin and steve are supposed to go to todds. Thursday we're going to see Fuel, and Sunday is my 21st. birthday!!! So we're going to dinner and then Doug's throwing a party so we might go there.

Of course, that means I would have to see Nick.
And he would inevitably screw up another birthday, like he has since i was 16. Not to mention we are barely speaking at the moment...oh i don't want to get into that...
I have to call Christina and see if she can get her sorority-stolen brain back for one night so she can attend my birthday dinner.
THAT I don't even want to think about...