Its odd when you realize what is happening in your life, when you really don't see it happening. It kinda feels like watching that movie where the deer, or any "helpless" little animal is standing alone in the woods, and the wolf, or coyote, or lion slinks up to its quary, and BAM, the little guy fuckin gets it. The difference is, in this instance I am completely alright with getting it. I am almost hoping that it is happening the way I think it is. Though I have had to make some tough decisions in order for this to happen, some of which have not been an issue for me in oh, i would say close to7 years. trying to make the right beach mtv call, knowing that whatever way you go is going to influence the rest of your life in one way or another. I mean in all reality, the reason I am in this current situation is in direct relation to the last time I was faced with a choice. It seems at the time i made the right pick, and then it seemed as if i had been foolish. Now however , perhaps, it is what i was supposed to do looking back . It reminds me a little of that cusack movie serendipity. yeah i watched part of that between catching some winks the other nite, though i missed the ending. i don't know, i have been thinking about fate and choices, and moving, and reunions, and where i am, and where others are. I have come to the conclusion i really don't give a fuck where i am in realation to others, i am happy where i am right now, and would like to move up, and when i say move up, i mean better myself, not really move up the tax brackets. there is a lot of things that i would like to have happen with this new relationship, (thats the thing stalking its prey) all in a good context of course, seriously.something that is difficult for me to think about at times, as i don't want to jump the gun, but also i don't want to be so aloof due to the past that there is the perceived lack of effort/interest/passion reciprocated. history, repeating itself. the irony of things that happen in everyones, in my everyday life.

Fell asleep to whitman's serenade
!oh democracy! lovers and friends
freedom, mornings dew upon your loins

rocking side to side along the rails in a rainy august nite remembering the first time i could remember, consciously remember a bittersweet realith of past happenings, hopenings the reason one or all remember is for the feeling, the sensation involved with the action the sensation of loss that begins in your stomach as if an ember was placed gently, quietly inside of you for the purpose of irritation to be quenched at your favorite watering hole or through the sweat of lust. the empire state building comes into view as the lumbering sliver in the nite rain train whisked along to its final destitnation, or was that the a momentary stop along its own rememberance of the tracks Penn Station Manhattan last and final stop for the westbound train filied with young dewy cunt eyes and old withered pricks waiting to stick out in the rainy nite glow electric like the magnificent Empire State, looking around i see everyone quiet with their mouths yapping noiseless yawns of blabber that do not interest me specifically but the din that rises from the motion of the lips and tounges and vocal chords while briefly interrupted by the swallow of bottle beer concealed foolishly in wrinkly brown paper, or not hidden at all.

written june 5th 2004


and so it was today, of june
two halves of an acorn did fall,
soon to blossom, an oak
in fields of southern suns

buddha sits quiet
beneath gangly green canopy
i stare out from behind frances' tears