Been a while since I blogged. Been busy with job and moving issues, shared, of course, with (e:chico). (xoxo)
The major reason i'm here today is because i need to vent/tell a story. Reading (e:ladycroft)'s journal about her grandmother's passing kind of prompted me to tell you guys about this: FAIR WARNING!! It's long - total vent-age posting....
Today is my paternal grandmother's 98th birthday.
Normally, a cause for celebration. Not so much for me.
Here is some of the story:
When I was a child, my paternal grandmother and grandfather (straight off the boat from Italy) took care of me because my parents both worked (we never had a lot of money - even in the 70's my mom and dad both worked and they did until my second sister was born).
When I was 10, my father, the dutiful son, took his elderly parents as his responsibility and moved us all into a 2 family house (duplex to you WNY'ers *wink*).
My grandfather was a tough guy, but he was gentle with us as kids - always in the garden or in the garage, working with his hands, or playing mandolin and singing. He died in 2001 at the ripe old age of 95. In many ways, I still miss him.
My grandmother is fatalistic, old fashioned (which isn't always a bad thing, but in her case...), guilt trip laying and sometimes, flat out mean. She lectured my mother for HOURS about what a horrible mother she was -she made my parents feel GUILTY for going on vacation and "leaving me here in this house by myself like a dog". Oh - good stuff, good stuff....
After 24 years of taking care of my grandparents and dealing with their BS (and I mean SERIOUS BS), in 2003, my grandmother and my aunt (father's sister) more or less gave my parents a Hobson's choice - sell the house and split with grandmother or buy out her half. My parents could never afford to buy her out, so they were forced to sell - I'm sure auntie knew this, btw. (g-ma went to live with auntie in her big cold house. How fitting.)
My parents move into a townhouse which, any of you who follow real estate in this area know, was WAY overpriced because of the market. So -there they are - age 57 and 63 with a >$150K mortgage and hardly any savings. Nice.
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In June 2005, one year to the day, my father was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
To make a very long story short(er), my dad had surgery to de-bulk the tumor and had some radiation, but the tumor was very aggressive. He died 3 days before Christmas 2005.
Dad's family's behavior throughout the trauma has been abhorrent. They are all control freaks, first of all, and they did not like the fact that my father and mother and my sisters and I made decisions "as a family". To this day, they blame US for "killing him" by "letting him" have the surgery. My grandmother leads the charge, by the way, fed by propaganda from my aunts.
During the time that my father was sick and dying, they abused my mother - called her to yell at her, tell her they disagreed with what she was doing, spit some shit about me and my sisters and then hang up. They would do this on a regular basis. No one from that side of the family brought my mother food or invited her over for lunch or dinner (save for my aunt once or twice). No one bothered to call to ask how SHE was doing.
Is THIS what they call support? Sticking together as a family? What family? Self-serving assholes, every last one of them. How DARE they call and harass a woman who is watching her husband of 36 years die before her very eyes?!
Of course, none of those bitches called ME. 'Cause I would have told them JUST what I thought. And they KNOW it. 'nuff said.
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So, now it's 6 months since my father died. I struggle with this every...single....day. I am still dealing with my grief and all of the life changes I have to adjust to. That I am not bowing down to the queens of Sheba after they treated us with SUCH repulsive behavior (of which I'm SURE I only know a fraction) should not be a suprise. I need to take care of myself, my mother and my sisters. THEY are my family.
I have not spoken to my grandmother or my aunt since the funeral. Why should I have to deal with their guilt trips and their holier than thou attitutdes when I have my OWN grieving process to muck through.
(though my mom still calls them even today - and still gets abused because "no one TALKED to us at the funeral" or because "you killed my son" or because "no one calls me - i used to take care of them when they were kids.") Seems to me that, with everything that has transpired with the house, with my mom, with my dad, I'd say I have no other cheek to turn to them for them to SMACK.
If I was unrelated to these people and met them on the street, knowing how they've treated my mom and my family, would I want to be associated with them?
Am I the only one whose family unit seems to get smaller and smaller as they get older? What is WRONG with people?
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So my mom is trying to guilt me into calling my grandmother on her birthday and/or calling my aunt, "just to say hello". Last time I called her, she hung up on me pretending she didn't know who I was (she is NOT senile, btw). That was even before my dad was sick...
Call grandmother on her birthday -Hmmm.....let me think about it.....
Maybe not this year.
Here is a photo of my dad playing his clarinet. He taught himself to play by ear since his family never had money for lessons:
Play on, daddy-o....
Great capture of your father.
Has your grandmother always been so intense? if so.. your grandfather was a very strong individual and I am betting that he had a great sense of humor too!
hmmm I have a whirl of thoughts--with having some idea of the absurd things that can go on in a family. *smile*
No one will change (especially a 98 y/o lady!), but obviously you have some control with how much you allow it to bother you.
If you decide to skip the phonecalls.. perhaps a card will do? Or a newsletter filling them in on your life? She can choose to open it or not; for your peace of mind, consider doing something this year.. she is 98 afterall..
If you go with the phone call.. breath in, breath out (oh, and a shot of tequila/glass of wine beforehand).. then just grin and bear it.. and remember, that it isnt personal, even if it feels that way. ooh, plan a diversion after 10 minutes, so it doesnt have to drag out any longer than your sanity can take it.
I feel sorry for them that they are apparently so miserable, and feel the need to try to bring you/mom & sisters down.
Good luck on whatever you do..
I read your story, and I wanted to leave a comment, but.... I have no idea what to say. Family dynamics can be so tough... I hope you can keep healing, one way or another. I love the pic of your dad. My dad dying is about my biggest fear.