saying its been a while since I've been around is both understatement and cliche, so i won't say it...again...

its funny, reading back at what i wrote when i first became aware of this site. I've never kept a journal before...

a reprieve...

long delayed trains and heated people
sI'mmering, onward to freezing places.
I can't help but to see whats here
and whats not.

as everything moves and the planet spins,
familiar faces fog afresh in my mind.
i'll never know if what im doing is right
until I've done it.
how do you all do it?

confidence builds through repeated comfort.
change makes me uncomfortable.
this is what I've been lead to believe
true or not? we shall finally see...
~~

so Bob is leaving for Arizona come the end of May, and I lose another of my brethren. Some heartfelt exchanges have already taken place, and he just told me he's leaving four days ago. if it's not one roomie it's another. the man is the oldest friend I have. As much as it makes me sad that he's leaving, and the 'heartfelt exchanges' a welcome break from my normally very guarded everyday interpersonal exchanges, his exit proclamation has made me reexamine what the fuck I'm doing here. I'm not happy working for the family business. I feel unsuccessful. The company has no direction, and I have no ambition to lead a plumbing company into a new era. The problem lies in the fact that I don't have any clear idea of what I do want to do. There are so many things I know I can be good at, but nothing in particular calls to me. I want to write. I want to manage. I want to own. I want to build something from the ground up, but I don't know what I want to build. Looking for inspiration is harder than looking for love. And that's saying something.

Peace

nice cloud, eh? don't get these around these parts...


love fires...not as much as beavis used to, but they still rock out pretty hard...


the results of a long day of being busy doing nothing important...



a bit of the peeps enjoying the band on the fourth...wish we could have kept them outside, but the rain wasn't very cool to us...oh well, a great time anyway...

first thing...every time i try to upload a new user pic, my comp just goes to a white screen forever and it never uploads...any help? i know its within size limits, etc...

anyway, a question mark seems to be pretty accurate in describing my current outlook. it shouldn't i guess, but it does. i'm moving into a new house this weekend, the upper of a double i just bought (my first house!) and, at 23, this seems to me like a pretty big thing. i don't know any friends that own a home that aren't married, and i'm far from it. but moreover, i'm semi-reeling from a past relationship.

we were great friends for years b4 we started dating three years ago. we decided to take a break back in november, mutually, or as mutally as things can be when your partner says, "do you think maybe we outta take a break?". since, i've bounded from utter despair to complete happiness, a few times. in the last month, as we've stayed friends, she has made it clear there will be no togetherness again in the foreseeable future, much as i have recently begun to wish there would be. the fact that the breakup has been so drawn out, and my mind has been in so many other places and melding with so many others peoples', it has definitely been a rollercoaster.

but now that i have to come to terms with the fact that i will not be getting back together in the end, it is overshadowing everything. i wish i could be as detached from my feelings as she seems to be, but then maybe i'm hopelessly assuming she still has those feelings.

nonetheless, we continue to hang on occassion, having just last night gotten some India Gate deliciousness. i'm starting to become unnervingly comfortable talking to her about trials and tribulations with others of the opposite sex, much to the form of the days of old, before we had gotten together. unnerving, because my emotions are still so mixed. i'm trying to hide it, from her or myself, im not sure, if only to make this friendship work. sigh...

sorry for laying that on whoever is reading this. i had to lay it upon somebody. i guess, this being the first real relationship i didn't personally end, i'm feeling the effects of rejection that always accompany being held at arms length when all you want to do is sneak up and wrap your arms around your other.

onward and upward, however, and i have an ungodly amound of packing and cleaning to do, so sleep well, e-peeps, maybe i'll swing to pink next thursday, and introduce...lata

someday i'll know what this is
someday i'll realize the reasons
someday i'll see you had the courage to do what i couldn't

until then i'm filled with doubts and regret, emotions ushering their way in that should have ended months ago.
i hope this makes you happy. i know i'm not, but things change. i hope it makes me happy too.

143

ahh, another crazy weekend...i got to welcome my cousin back from the, i'm sure, horror of middle america, as he has decided to move back home to Buffalo. he's got this country-twang to his speech now, i couldn't stop laughing when he was talking. it's only been 8 years! poor guy. that was friday night, after softball, a game my team should have won. we played the only team in the league that has yet to lose, the sherriff's team, and they 'won' 14-13. but how do you fight with the fuzz? As always, we went to the Buffalo St. Bar and Grill, on Louisianna St., afterwards. i made apparent my anger at the loss to the cops with stern looks of disapproval from my table on the deck outside, whenever they meandered my way. if you're ever without something to do early on a friday evening, stop by the bar. John the owner/only bartender is a great guy, and he cooks up a mean steak sandwich.

the rest of the weekend was drinking, sleep, subs, a night out in franklinville, paintball, a family party and chinese, in that order.

i drew this boat for no real reason, but i'm sure it has powerful psychological implications. if anyone would like to make me aware of those, i would appreciate any help i can get in the fight against me. thank you.

gonna relax and catch a flick on the couch tonight, i think. tommorrow the packing begins! what fun...