"i know how to spell"

after a drunken night (how surprising) i woke up in my dorm room.... i knew i had gotten in an arguement with the guy i was "seeing".
This is the loosest definition of the term 'seeing' one can imagine by the way...
anywho, i woke up to see my sketchbook sprawled out by my computer, with several pages full of angry notes scribbled in sharpie... here's a few excerpts:

" it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss'
thats what he sang. I shouldve known right away it wasnt for real.
all the signs told me"


"i hate guys named b-e-n-d-e-r
i mightbe drunk but i know how to spell asshole"

i dont kno, but i thought that last one was pretty clever

"This is all going to end badly"

here's some pics from the past weekend when i went to the sigma pi formal....

0405/me&jon3208.jpg

one of my best friends



0405/brooke&plank3300.jpg
my girl, brooke, and her date

0405/pimps-bling&yoshi3354.jpg
2 of the pimpest guys ever... and one lush in the background


it was a great night

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...
I never...

"It's something unforgivable"

This year Ive done a lot of things I never thought I would do, or always told myself I wouldnt do at this stage in my life....
drinking every weekend
smoking
sex
..... its a difficult task to explain what changed in me that made me do the things I did this past year. It wasnt that I felt the acts werent important or consequential... it was that I had to minimalize the tremendous pressure and phobia surrounding each issue. Even this explanation doesnt really do justice to the thoughts behind my actions.
I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that by putting so much pressure on my self to be perfect would just end in me messing things up, and regretting many things in my life. I knew having sex before i was married was going to happen... as much as i wish for things, i knew i wasnt strong enough in that belief to make it a reality. Instead of waiting for marriage, I made sure my first time was wtih someone i trusted, and someone whose intentions were honest. Because of this, Im happy with my choice... if i wouldve tried to wait, i wouldve most likely fallen for some pretty boy's line adn fallen victim to stupidity.
As far as smoking goes... even the president (although thats not saying much) has smoked weed. I've tried it, not been all that impressed, and I am happy to say that Im content without it. Having the experience, however, is not one that I regret... I feel it was almost necessary to have an opinion on the issue
Drinking..... Im pretty sure that anyone who reads this blog will see that I enjoy drinking... smart drinkers who know both their limits and their friends are the people I tend to surround myself with, and I am proud of myself for this choice.

college has broadened a lot of horizens

Everyone calls himself a friend, but only a fool relies on it: nothing is commoner than the name, nothing rarer than the thing.
--Jean de La Fontaine

Thats my friends away message at teh moment. With summer break coming soon, it makes me wonder who from high school Im still going to be talking to...
Sure Ive had Thanksgiving, winter, and spring break to test these friendships, and see how much of "the crew" was still hangin out... but summer is going to be different. Even winter break wasnt long enough to see everyone i promised, and it was acceptable to not hang out with people. Summer is 3 months... if i dont see some of my old friends in that time, i cant really expect much of a future out of that relationship.
Its gonna be interesting, and a good thing to know- who your real friends are- but it is also a very scary reality
There are some people who i already know have forgotten about all "our good times," but Im not ready to accept it. Passing someone in the mall might have once resulted in dropping other plans, going out to dinner, and spending a great evening just hanging out... now, passing that same person might get me a simple wave and exchange of polite "how-do-ya-do's"

its scary