Why Cant I Get Through To My BF?
Ok, so here is a bit of history on my relationship.
Im Bisexual and so is my boyfriend. Im 26 and he is 21. We met eight months ago and it was instant love at first sight. We both fell head over heals for one another and we could not see enough of one another. We called each other every hour and saw one another everyday. Needless to say, our phone bills and text messages were very high.
So, three days after we met, my boyfriend who we'll call "Mike" told me he loved me. i was upfront and honest with him, I told him about my past and he knew I came with heavy baggage (numerous partners,legal issues and abusive situations. Not to mention my name being all over the media)
However he told me he didn't care about my past and he would never judge me, he told me we could just focus on us and move forward. I was the happiest person around and I was at the happiest point in my life.
I was in the closet and I came out to all my family and friends for him. It was very difficult and hard, however I knew I had to and I knew he was the one for me.
Mike was in the closet also and since he came from a very strict middleeastern family, he told me he could not come out. I told him I understood and I would never pressure him to come out. So we met in the fall and we would go out to suppers,movies,clubs,spend time at my house(I lived alone and he lived with his mother) we did a lot of stuff together.
However when all his friends and him would go out to nightclubs or parties he would never invite me? This really really hurt me. Because I loved him and he loved me and yet I was never invited out to meet any of his friends or family. However he met all my friends and family. So I had to sit at home alone most of the time he was out and sometimes I also would go out with my friends.
Then came his birthday, he was so excited about it....he invited his family and twenty of his friends. They all rented a limo and had a big party at a nightclub. Mike NEVER even invited me. I felt so horrible I wanted to literally die.
Then to add insult to injury he called me all nite and told me he loved me so much, he was having such a great time, he told me all his straight friends picked up all these girls and took them into the limo. etc....I was so hurt I didn't know what to say or do so I just cried all nite and I felt like I was going to go insane.
Then he had the odacity to tell me, that if he were in a situation with his friends and they were having sex with girls, he would have to do it aswell to "keep up appearances" and he didn't know what he would do in those situations. He is so paranoid of people thinking he's gay that he would go screw a girl infront of his friends inorder to look straight.....he doesn't give a damm if he hurts me, or maybe he does??? I don't know. Or maybe he enjoys group sex? How could he say "I don't know what I would do?" SAY NO!
say...your not in the mood or better yet, don't put yourself in those situations.
Then he tells me he hates going to Casinos and he would never go with me to the Casinos at Niagara Falls. i asked him for months....then he goes with his friends for their birthdays and doesn't even invite me. It seems like he is living two seperate lives and he wants me because he loves me.....but he wants me to live like his mistress who nobody knows about....and he wants to still live his old lifestyle with his friends while he keeps me.
I know he went to massage parlours while he was with me to sleep with women, I know he and his friends picked up girls while he was with me. I know he hits on women at clubs to look straight.
I told him I don't agree with him going to nightclubs,stripclubs etc unless im with him and I told him I wouldnt do it either. So he agreed. But when he's with his friends, I don't know wht the hell they're doing. He often lies and tells me he's one place and really another and I caught him in so many lies....he tells me he "has to help his mother" and he'll be busy.
That makes me think he is either lying or cheating or avoiding me.
However I must say, he makes a huge effort to see me everyday, buys me nice gifts, sends me loving text messages and makes a point to call me ten times a day when he is not around me.
He has a very very good job and he is doing well, however he acts very immature and he wants to hang out with his friends so much its anoying, he spends time with me but he acts like its a chore and he really has his friends on his mind all the time.
He acts like he is too young to be in a serious relationship (especially a gay one) and that he feels like his "exciting life" with his friends is passing him by and his youth is being wasted cause he can't go partying and clubbing and chilling all the time.
I tell him al lthe time....IF YOU WANT YOUR OLD LIFE AND YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE YOUR SINGLE THEN YOU NEED TO NOT BE WITH ME IN A RELATIONSHIP. and then he cries and acts all emotional and tells me not to leave him and that he's trying to include me in his life. HE WILL NEVER include me in his life I feel.....I havent even met his family????
I told him to introduce me to all his friends and I will act like a buddy and NOT like his BF. i told him I would never embarass him and act "gay" because im straight acting. I agreed to go along with the charade. Just because I wanted to be more included in his life. So he intorduced me to all his friends and I was very proud of him for doing it, I know it took a lot of guts. Most of his buddies liked me and everything was going great.....there was no more of us leading seperate lives and we both were together all the time.
THEN one of his retarded friends found out im Bisexual and told everyone, my BF Mike got so paranoid that he wanted to kill himself.
He told me that none of his friends liked me anymore and that he would have to tell all of them he stopped speaking to me and that he stopped hanging out with me. I could not believe this.
just because his friends hate bisexual and gay beople doesn't mean he has to tell them he "stopped talking and chilling" with me. I feel like his friends dictate to him who he can and can't associate with. Mike is so afraid of what his friends think, he doesn't even care about my feelings I feel like. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.....he wants everyone to think he's straight and to have his happy life with his friends and family and then keep me in the closet until he's ready to use me.
Mike even gets me to go on craigslist and post ads to find men for him, then these random men come over to MY house and Mike screws them in the bedroom while im in the living room. My bf offers me to join in but I always decline because it turns me off being with another guy. Now, you might ask WHY do I allow this............. its because aslong as im keeping him satisfied with other sex partners he doesn't have to cheat on my behind my back......he can cheat infront of me. he tells me these men mean nothing, but I still feel like Mike is really GAY and NOT bisexual I think, he ONLY talks about men and masturbates to gay porn and sleeps with gay men. He is in denial I think and he wants to be excepted by all his friends.
But what happens oneday when all his "friends" (who wouldnt even like him if they knew he was gay) all get married and have kids.....will Mike STILL be happy with me or will the pressure be way too much and he will have to give in and get married and put on a big charade show for everyone.....will he get married just because everyone else is.? Will he leave me and opt out for a more exceptable life?
Will I be left behind when he realizes he WILL eventually have to choose.....his old life and the "exceptable" life OR me?
Am I wasting my time with someone who is keeping me around because I make him happy now.....but i eventually know he will leave me and stay in the clost his entire life so his family wont be disappointed.
If his friends and family really loved him, they would accept him.
I love him unconditionally and I can see he is a tortured soul, he will be happy with me I know it.....we love each other so much......when we are alone together we have so much fun....but as soon as we are out the door.....he is a different person.....he ignores me infront of his friends and im always feeling like * * * * .
One day I know he will leave me to marry a woman and have kids and he will forever be tortured......because he will be living a lie with her for the rest of his existance and he will forever know he gave up on true love. Im sure he will be miserable......however I hope he wakes up before its too late. I don't want him to regret giving up on love.
He is too good of a person, however he is just way to immature and young..... sould I keep staying and fighting, its killing me....and I think its killing him too....or should I brake up for the good of both of us?
Please help me figure this mess out, this is the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I would truely appreciate it.
Sincerely
Luka Magnotta
