The good news for today is that the CEO of the company I work for congratulated me on the job I did with the database, telling me that I did a fantastic job and did more in one year than the three other guys before me did in two years. I actually never thought I'd hear him say it and that he would take a more "grudging acceptance" approach. That kind of threw me off guard, but I have put so much of myself into this project and have made so many sacrifices to move up here and get the database working, I felt I had it coming (in a not "pop-squish-six-ahuh-cicero-lipschitz" kinda way.

Which brings me to my next point.

Yesterday was my 1-year aniversary of living in Buffalo. One year ago from yesterday, I finished my epic trek from North Carolina and arrived at the hole in the wall that my current employer had put me up in. The next day, I would embark on what was basically a programmer's suicide mission trying to get what everyone else would consider a hopeless cause up and running.

I remember silly little things about my initial arrival. Like that I hadn't gotten stuck in the snow on my way up like I feared, until the last 20 feet of driveway at the hotel that the hotel owner didn't shovel. Or that the hotel cable system didn't let me watch Robot Chicken but had 24 hours of unscrambled porn that actually got boring pretty quickly.

I also remember the "first set of eyes" phenommenon that took place when first saw Richmond ave. I don't know how other people perceive objects, but the appearance of an object or person the first time I see it is totally different from that object or person once I've grown used it it or them. When I first walked down Richmond ave, it looked so enormous, especially considering the brutally cold wind that made the distance back to my warm car seem that much longer. The area of buffalo seemed hip, but at the same time I told myself "living in a city sucks. It'll be just like you imagined NYC, you'll have a small apartment that will feel totally cramped with all your stuff--but will feel less so after half your stuff is stolen out of it in a manner befitting big city crime." I couldn't see why anyone would want to live in a big northern city, but looking back on it, I'm happy that I was saved from the dreary existence in West Seneca that I was originally contemplating. Today, I see Richmond and the surrounding area with a different set of eyes; everything looks much smaller and more more homey. I don't see it as big, freezing and ominous to walk down during the winter but rather as beautiful to walk down during a mild summer day. And I have the whole entire top half of a house! Compared to my previous 500 sq ft in raleigh it's definately an improvement.

I also recall the enormous battle I've had to wage to settle in my house. For two weeks I fought a pitched room-to-room battle in my house to win the war of privacy. Blinds had to be put up everywhere to keep myself non-visible from the neighbors windows four feet away, and only until the entire indoors was cloaked did I feel I could relax. I'm actually still fighting battles to make my house more livable, but it's now settled into a war of attrition; I find more and more things I forgot to bring up from NC and I have to spend considerable time and sums of money hunting them down and replacing them. I've somehow furnished my apartment as well, despite fantasies of having a bare, blank room all to myself. And don't even get me started about all the bullsh*t one has to deal with when living in an old house in Buffalo--lack of three prong power outlets, no insulation, no true central air or A/C, etc. I've dealt with most of that stuff, but damn, doing so was a pain in the butt.

Feeling the absence of long time family and friends goes without saying. I've moved to a city where I didn't know a soul. I've worked a lot on changing that, but I still miss everyone from back home. The most difficult experience by far was the on-and-off again relationship with a girlfriend from NC. We had one fight and breakup after the other, largely due to unresolved stuff from before I moved, plus her discomfort with the distance and my fear of any number of bad situations I'd be put into if I went back home to the unresolved stuff. In addition to all the other difficulties I've faced in finding women up here was the spectre of fidelity that dogged every encounter with the opposite sex. In spite of my feeling that I had been sold out by "the other side" so many times on many issues, I never once cheated. While I probably am Buffalo's most pathetic excuse for a "guy", I tried my best to be a decent man.

Finally, I've managed to stay alive despite the fact that everyone back home I could have called on to save my ass in an emergency is 700 miles away. This is in no small part due to the enormous paranoia I feel about such sticky situations, always having to plan at least 10 steps ahead of everyone born and raised here with family here. It's enormously stressing that I have to watch my back this much, but I'm proud that I've done okay so far.

In summary, I think I've done close to the best I could do up here, and I've done a hell of a lot up here in just a year.

Now for the random footnotes:

Behold, the savage irony that I have to move up here for a job from a place where I can't find a job in the place that Forbes magazine rates as "best place to find a job" (Raleigh-Cary NC). I'd be pissed



My pick for local hero for the Artvoice vote:



C'mon, the guy tries to raft across the border to pay a bill in Buffalo, which he can't reach because of some previous equally stupid crossing attempt some years back. It's just so stupid that it's actually cool.

Blackboard O' Love.



I think that spending Valentine's Day without female company doesn't bother me as much after that 5-year stretch I spent between 1998 and 2003 where the most contact I had with women was shaking their hands and the occasional hugs from friends.

Amazing I'm still sane after all these years.

69 confession questions

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?

Someone I enjoy talking to. Somone from back home. Or a telemarkered with a sexy voice.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

Unless the snow's too deep.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?

Depends on how well I know the person and how comfortable I am with them. People who don't know me well think I'm shy and withdrawn. People who are the closest to me wish I would shut up for at least five minutes.

4. Do you take compliments well?

Yes and no. If complemented by someone who does something I disapprove of, sometimes I find it hard to confront them about what's bothering me.

5. Do you play Sudoku?

I'm paid to sit in front of a computer screen and solve logic problems for nine long hours a day. Do the math (pun intended). Satre said hell is other people, but I've often thought hell to be coming home from a hard day at work to a living room full of sudoku puzzles.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?

My guess would be that many of the things that currently make survival a challenge for me in a civilized world would greatly aid my survival in the wilderness.

7. Are you flexible enough to give yourself a good time?

No, I find watching yoga videos exceptionally boring. And who can honestly take Rodney Yi seriously?

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?

Till I was twelve. I never had a busty blonde counselor in training make me man, though they helped improved my archery and arts and crafts skills immeasurably.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?

Candyland.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you?

I've never really been pursued, so the thought's never occurred to be. My soul has enough evil to deal with, so probably no.

11. How many people have you picked up using Myspace?

Myspace is for lamerz, dude.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?

I've dated people of other religions before. But they weren't really religious, so it was a moot point.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?

If I were persued, it would probably be an ago trip. If I were any good at persuing, like picking out a girl cashier at Wegmans and successfully picking her up, that would kick ass. But that would require understanding unspoken languages that us semi-autistic folk can't understand.

14. Use three words to describe yourself?

Cryptoloquacious, semiprescient, hyperbombastic.

15. Do any songs make you cry?

Certain hymns make me feel very emotional, but it's not really a sad kinda thing.

16. Are you continuing your education?

Does one really ever stop learning?

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?

I've shot bolt action 22's at camp. Unfortunately, it wasn't busty counselors who taught me.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?

All the paperwork needed to make it look like an accident.

19. How often do you read books?

Having recently graduated college, reading for pleasure is still a hard to accept idea.

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?

On my plane of existence, they are no different.

21. What is your favorite children's book?

"I had trouble getting to Solla Sollew" by Dr. Seuss.

22. What color are your eyes?

Brown, though until I was 8 I demanded they be recognized as green.

23. How tall are you?

Not tall enough.

24. Where is your dream house located?

Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water.

25. Best vacay ever?

A carribean cruise two years ago.

26. Coolest picture?
of me??

The one is high school when I had a lot more hair and a lot less fat.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth

It's on my to-do list.

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?

Two years ago with a psycho friend, I think. She was nothing but trouble. I should look her up some time.

29. How about the movies?

When I saw Casino Royale last month.

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?

Orchard Park.

31. 69 or 420?

42.

32. Do you like mustard?

I abhor it except when used as a dry powdered spice.

33. Do you prefert to sleep or eat?

I've sometimes been told I'm part cat, so all of both. One preferably right after the other.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?

My dad.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?

Depends on who I'm with. ;)

36. Can you do a split?

Maybe, and I'll end up splitting a lot more than just my legs.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. With Richard Harris as Dumbledore. But I guess it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

38. What's the most subversive thing you've ever done?

Fill in missing questions in questionaires to see if some people don't read carefully and actually answer the very embarrasing questions I put in.

39. What did you do for New Year's?

Hung out with a good friend in Chapel Hill.

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?

I didn't see it. I just can't see a movie where Sarah Michelle Gellar runs away from bad guys instead of kicking their ass. Because Buffy just kicks that much ass.

41. Do you laugh a lot?

I usually "laugh on the inside" unless something is unbearably, unbelievably funny. I laugh on the inside a lot, but it's only once in a blue moon I'll really laugh out loud really hard, and usually it's at something no one else regards as funny.

42. Do you own a camera phone?

Is it even possible to buy a phone without a camera in this day and age?

43. What's your favorite position?

I think that the positions of both the Republicans and Democrats have some merit, though one based more on reason and the other the based of emotion.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?

Her town was too small to have a football team.

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?

Classified information.

46. how many hours of sleep do you get a night?

3 when I'm irresponsible. 7 if I'm good.

47. Do you watch MTV?

Being 31, I'm am technically classified as the "MTV generation", which sits in-between generation X and generation Y. I can remember back in the day when they used to play music instead of being the 24-hour a day Real World marathon they've turned into. So no, I haven't watched MTV since the early 90's. I'd watching it again if they started playing music videos again.

48. Do you like care bears?

"Care Bear Stare!!!!!!!!!"

49. What do you buy at the movies?

The world largest keg of diet coke.

50. Do you know how to play poker?

I keep learning and keep forgetting.

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?

No sense in being a missle.

52. What do you wear to sleep?

All the gifts the creator gave me.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?

There was the several Duke championships, the Peterson murder trial (I went to school with his son), and the Duke Lacrosse case (the chief prosecutor lives two doors down from my parents).

54. How many meals do you eat a day?

1 - 2 big meals with occasional grazing in-between.

55. Is your tongue pierced?

No. I am reminded of a funny commentary on that, however:

56. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?

What are those?

57. Most visited webpage?

(e:strip)

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?

John Cleese strikes a wonderful balance between the two.

59. Ever been to L.A.?

The farthest west I've ever been is Milwaukee.

60. Did you eat a cookie today?

No. That's solely the realm of blue monsters, and I am not blue in the least.

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?

Merde! Ces questions sont tres stupides.

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?

I pay for my music, because people who steal music provide the media industry with all the excuse they ever need to do DRM stuff like make it so I can't watch a DVD I legally buy from Japan or prevent me from recording TV shows on my computer. There are some people who desperately want to control how I use my technological devices and who will want to charge me for every little insignificant thing I do with them. If I steal music, I am in effect giving those people even more power and filling their quivers full of arrows. And if I ever find myself in some kind of showdown with these people over their tactics, I'd like the piece of mind that I am 100% in the moral right.

63. Do you hate chocolate?

No, but I don't love it to the extent that women usually do.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?

We bicker, we don't fight. Usually it's about some inertia issues of mine.

65. Are you a gullible person?

I don't know, but I'll take your word for it.

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?

I've spent most of my life without a significant other and I useless feel powerless to change this situation. It's been a significant source of strife for me in the past, but I've gotten used to it by this point.

67. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?

Something that's lets me push the boundaries of creative and technology for the common human good.

68. Are you easy to get along with?

To a fault.

69. What is your favorite time of day?

3:00PM, but it has to be a nice day.

My latest attempts at self help involve what I call "achieving little victories"--small steps towards the person who I want to be. A lot of times a little victory is my finally doing stuff that I've been pocrastinating from doing, that in some way slightly reduces the quality of my life.

So far, the lttle victories I've one include getting most of the plastic wrap up on my bay (aka ball-turret) window, getting more sleep each night, and getting my hair cut today. I was particularly bad about the last one in the past few weeks, because I had been going to a place in Orchard Park, which is a bit of a drive, especially considering that the only time I can go is during the weekends because although it's close to work, barber's hours are almost identical to the bank-type hours I work at (still much better than retail work hours, though).

Still requiring some perseverence is dieting and housecleaning and doing worthwhile things that benefit society. But that's the thing about little victories, they're easy to accomplish and if you don't win them right away you don't feel too bad about it.

I've got too much to do to write a long post right now. I've spent most of superbowl sunday caulking my bay window. I had to pull down all the thermal plastic I had put up in November because all the wind blowing straight through the window had pulled the thermal plastic from its mooring tape. Yes, it's really scary that wind cuts right through my bay window, which is why it as of tonight sports more silicone than all tonight's half-time show dancers put together.

With most of the sources of leaks accounted for and plugged the next round of plastic should go on far easier and stay on far longer. It's kind of depressing, though, that what should be the comfiest room in my house that I should find the most soothing has turned into that which is most painfully cold. Home should be the place that makes you feel comfortable for the few hours you get to spend inside of it, and I'd like for my living room to exemplify that. I won't bitch and be a pussy about having to walk outside in freezing temperatures wearing a big down jacket that everyone says is way to heavy. I'll take those lumps. But inside my own damn house, things should be different, dammit.

Incidentally, the really sick part of my personality feels that it would have been splendid weekend for an outdoors ice cream party. I keep imagining a box of ice cream sitting outside on a table, and it never melts, and it all seems really cool.