sometimes these scary blank out times happen to me. usually only when drinking, but i was pretty in control of my own friday and i just remembered today that there's a chunk of time that i don't remember *what* i was doing. i guess i got sucked into a black white and red hole at the pink. i remember i hardly went inside because i wanted to smoke. but i remember i didn't have any. who i talked to and what was said was beyond me. did i just bum and bum again for the better part of an hour? (or more??? i can't remember!) i feel as though i was another person entirely for a while, and that's not the first time. it's terrifying.

another thing is when i lived in the hippy house, i used to see super weird shit behind my eyes just about every night. (while awake). i never really enjoyed pot so it wasn't that. i did a fair amount of drinking, but spent the majority of life on the sober side. it used to scare me to the point of tears sometimes because i couldn't make it stop and what it was was faces upon faces that would morph into each other, except not all happy like in the 'black and white' video but in every state of human animal, human, animal, and sometimes creature expression you could imagine. i would see the face of a child playing hopscotch change into a caricature cat face smiling horrifically while licking a puddle of milk change into an old black man's face playing a saxophone change into a toothless thirty year old cackling change into...and so on. whatever the action, the focus was always the face.
these are people i've never seen before but that i can see crystally clearly in my mind and it feels too real. my friend marc calls it having a gift but without the proper guide and/or spiritual training, it just feels like craziness to me. it doesn't happen so much anymore but every so often i feel something schiszm-ing, is the closest word i can come up with. like a fault line, with ruptures, rumbles y roaros. pieces shifting around in my head, combined with an awful restlessness.

okay yeah, so maybe then i should write or perhaps make movies, i don't know what the fuck, but my head is an egg. whatever's inside is trapped, unfertilized as of yet or perhaps past its chance to break out, rotting. either way giving birth to itself now would be a disaster.

i'm technologically dumb. i was excited to share my photos of the debauch, but apparently they won't work. and to make matters worse, i do not know how to delete them off my journal. paul? can you help?

oh, at least you can see the condom veil. which i'm pretty happy to have (both old and new) off my head. veils hurt! i have sore spots behind my ears! but wow, i'll never wear a veil again. unless i decide to have a death shroud. which i just decided. why, yes. yes i will have a death shroud......

so i will wear one again someday.

a HUGE thank you to all involved in the speakeasy party pour moi--i had a smashing good time, everyone looked extra more fabulouser than as per usual, hopefully i can get the PICTURES up asap.

summer is a girl i have been friends with a super long time. it's cool cause we've both changed a lot and because of a real easygoing acceptance of each other's core selves, still have stayed pretty tight without ever really going too deep into what or how we've changed. we're both kinda like, eh. you're you, and i like you, and i'm me, and i like me. she's pretty awesome, and a long time ago she and me and some others compiled a little soliloquy of all the spanish we know gummed up into one nonsensical and american stupidism. it goes a little something like this:

la cucaracha nueve la cucaracha. queira montega? si rosa montega. si. chi chi's taco bell.

pretty dumb, but i like summer cause i can be dumb with her and it's funny. like once i saw this van, and on the side of it was "such-and such rentals: what don't we rent?" summer would be just the person to call up and ask to rent a cat, or a clown nose, or a dildo. when the person says, inevitably, we don't rent those, she'd put up a good fight about it, like "your VAN says what DON'T you rent, and now i just fuckin.....came up with three things, sooo.....maybe you better tell me what you DO rent, huh." is what she'd say, or something like it. she does these long pauses after fuckin when she says it.

whoa. that came out of nowhere.

tonite i relaxed with el cigaretta. bad news. this is how those fucksticks pry their way into your life again, though by no means should i delude myself that i have javelined them out completely either. nothing, and i mean, zip, goes better with le biere than le cig. and so the solution is to stop drinking beer as well, which is terrible.