at the moment we are listening to ourselves
finding hope in past observations
well hope as Confucious demands
talking in riddles makes pain hidden

so I won't make any secret of my innermost longings that perpetuate their dreamtime fancy. Gives none. Not a whit or an ounce. I have however seen apparentness in signs; it's logical. You'll find them too once you have accepted inevitablity without confines. Everything that happened was inevitable at the point it occupies and nowhere else. Even when the point is not unique it's coincidences are. Supernatural religion is my new motto. Convince my brain and take my spirit for a ride. Don't make me believe. Leave that to me. Let my life be ruled by a knowledge of how precious it is; unrevocable, one, unique. My personal choices deride thus, my faith is in what is and nothing else. Once I'm shown the other though, it always finds itself welcome, even incorporated. So my faith expands with knowledge unto who knows where...only the dead, whom we can't ask, could answer. I will make a difference larger than my molecules without aide from beyond, but with much from my friends.

So for all my rants and raves, christman turned out okay. Saw most of Paul's family twice (Eve and Day), talked to my family, and even had an unexpected wiedersehen. As I was talking to my mom I tried to explain my feelings; that I really didn't like the reasons for the gatherings (ie: little baby christman, shopping, forced closeness, shopping, gifts, shopping...), but still I really enjoyed the fact that we all were brought together and everyone was feelng happy, and well, festive. It makes me long for a society where we could do this sort of thing all the time and for better reasons, but I'll take the love where and when it comes, no question. I am really starting to feel at home with Paul's family which is very nice. They treat me like I've always been there and belong (heck, I dressed up as Santa two years in a row for them, and for me a little bit too I guess).
After we got home from stuffing ourselves for the second time in 16 hours, we found out that our friend Jessica was home and she was gonna stop by with her sister Sarah. This was a surprising event becuase we have been kinda estranged for like six months or something with nary a glance or bit of chat between us. So they came over and then Mike came and then TK and Emily was on video chat from NYC the whole night. It was almost a party (the addition of a dull cigarito from Philadelphia made it a definite party). We had a good time. Well it was getting late and I wasn't getting any less festive so it was time to make the call home. I talked to my mom and my sister. It was very nice, we should really talk more. For some reason we're all just bad at the whole communication thing. I don't call and they don't call for months (and then we all try to blame each other for never calling). I think we had a very good talk, well truthfully I kinda babbled the whole time, I was excited both emotionally and spiritually (thank you christman). I told my sister the truth about the red and white santa suit's invention by Coca Cola, and a bunch of other stuff. I made her promise to email me soon, and if you're reading this, Alex, I'm waiting... Well happy wintertime to all, and may sweet sugarplum fairies bedeck the halls of your dreaming mind. and christman...I guess you can come back next year if you want (I'm still not praying though).

Festive Wintertime!
I am writing to all those friends that may now read my journal but never see me anymore. To those in LV and AZ and wherever else. As I go to celebrate some holidayness with Paul's family I just want everyone, especially my own family, to know that I miss you and wish I was a richer man and could fly around to see you all more. It's not fair, I live by Paul's family so I see them all the time but only get the chance to visit my 'roots' once a year or so. I wish it were different, and maybe soon we'll be changing locations to be nearer. Until then, I love and miss everyone wherever you are. I hope everyone had a great solstice and the days are getting longer now!

According to one reporter, Yvonne Ridley, Saddam was not captured by American Forces as has been recently reported by military sources and repeated by the media, but was taken by Kurdish forces and then delivered into American custody. This story has been quelled because of fear of potential clashes between Kurdish forces and pro-Saddam factions in Iraq if news got out. Democracy Now! has the full story on their Dec 23 show .
Other crazy/scary new items: Mad Cow Disease in America (one case means there might be many many more, stop eating the beef now!), and Judge orders Army to stop "experimenting" on US troops with trial Anthrax vaccinations (they've been requiring certain individuals to take the shots even though many have become very ill and a minimum of six have died from the innoculations).

Today passed hazily away
with rain misting sidewalks
my steps meandered
but ever the same direction.

Eventually a destination
was reached? where we played
the music and the echo
transversing twixt time.

Rude awakenings lead
to somber enchantments?
back to beginning
beginning to end.