That cold feeling of dread crept up my spine this morning as my alarm clock went off and I heard the radio announcer say that there were attacks in London. Then, five minutes later, my brother called, wanting to know if the family was fine. The family is fine. Fortunately for my family, and for my sanity, my family lives, respectively, in Coventry in the Midlands and on the East coast in Lincolnshire. But for that moment, always that brief moment... I was the one who told my mother. I couldn't help but cry as I saw the footage as my brain kept thinking, "I was just there, not two months ago!" And I thought of one of my customer's whose twin daughters only just returned from studying in London and I knew she would be relieved. My heart and my prayers go out the victims and their families. One cannot help but wonder was this linked to the G8 summit, or to the Israeli summit that is taking place in London or a statement linked to the announcement of the Olympics. It's terrible no matter what, but why? Then again, can there ever be a reason good enough for something so horrific. I highly doubt it.

YAY! I'm no longer a black box! I am me, well, me from 2 and a half years ago me, back when I had red hair in NYC me, but still me! Yep. That's pretty much what I look like, just change the colour of the curls and there you have it! Thank you so vey much, oh dear best friend, Dina. I shall miss you whilst you are away, more than you will know. That's about it for now! Oh! I am so jubilant!

I'd never before realized just how much I look at the world in black and white. Sure, I know that there's grey area, I often argue FOR the grey area, but in my life, I really do see things as "This is this, and that is that. Period." This weekend, amidst my floundering emotions, I discovered some very important things. First of all, I learned that when it comes to the Boy, what I think I know and what I actually know, are two very different things. I make assumptions about him, a very stupid thing to do, and then I build upon that assumption, driving myself to, well, where I was yesterday and Saturday. It's very humbling to realize that *I* am the one who has driven me to the brink of despair, not him. It was all my assumptions. In my defense, How was I to know that he wasn't going to get in until late Saturday night, rather than Friday night, and that he was driving in rather than flying. He never told me, so I made assumptions. Stupid, stupid girl. And I learned some interesting things about him when I spoke to hm, things that completely shocked me. He is neither a Republican (again which I assumed) nor a Democrate. He doesn't like political parites, nor politicians. He is conservative when it comes to fiscal responsibility, but liberal in his social ideals. And he doesn't believe in forcing his ideals upon someone else. You live your life and he'll live his. These are things that I didn't know about him, and yet it says so very much. But mostly what it tells me is that I have to throw out the window every idea I ever had of him and just discover. I love him more than ever and it's because of what I'm just finding out. He doesn't deserve to be burned at the stake. SpringFaerie deserves to be flogged for her rampant stupidity and blindness. I shall have to just let go and let him be him instead of what I think I want him to be, because frankly, the person whom I'm discovering is a hell of a lot more interesting.

Okay, I'm not anywhere near as angry as I was earlier today, due to the fact that I sat down, had a bit of a cry, read a chapter in my new book ironically titled, "How to Meet Cute Boys". It's a novel and it's funny. I also ate dinner, tried to take a nap but it was too hot in my room, and finally, FINALLY began work on my resume. Actually, the resume is done as far as I am concerned, now it's just the cover letter and I have not the faintest clue on where to begin. I have the first sentence done. It's a start. So, productivity won out in the end. Probably a good thing, but that was after I had my cry, my least favourite thing in the world, but I did feel better, I suppose. I couldn't dwell on it because if I did, I was going to hurt something. It's moments like these when I think "Fuck it. Maybe casual sex is the way to go." And I'm not a casual sex person. At least then, I'd be gettin' some. But that is neither here nor there.

I want to say that I'll just freeze my heart up again, but I hate that person that I become. And I'm not happy. Of course, is anyone ever really happy for more than a moment? Maybe that is what we ought to live for, those moments of brief, intense joy and that is what the Boy does bring me, but is it worth all of this? Is it worth all of my agony for a few moments of joy, or, as in Thursday's case, a full 24 hours of bliss and joy.

Men, I just don't understand you at all. And you guys bitch about women. You're no great prize to figure out yourselves, you know.

Peace out.

I have never been so furious with someone that I didn't actually, actively hate, much less someone that I am actually very much in love with. Jason had a bitch-fest about his ex and her lack of courtesy, now it's my turn. Actually, no, not a bitch-fest. I'm saving that for the Brutal Honesty E-mail that he is going to get because if I see him, I'll cold-clock him and if I talk to him, I'll snap like I've seldom snapped before. People take one look at me and think, "Oh, she's so nice and sweet and innocent and together! Look at those beautiful blonde curls and those blue-grey eyes! She's adorable! Just the cutest thing!" and they never believe me when I tell them that they don't want to see me pissed off. Frankly, it's a sight to behold, so I've been told. Every muscle is tense, just waiting for a reason to flip over a table and physically pummel and then strangle to death with my bare hands. I don't go there often, but because of Him, I'm really on the verge of being there. My rage has hasn't cooled, but merely converted itself in to the more dangerous, vindictive form of Ice, cold, hard fury. I don't understand why I am always, ALWAYS last on his list. And the truly sad part is that I know I don't start out there whenever he comes home, but once he gets here, that is where I wind up and I am so damnedably tired of it. I ought to matter enough, just enough, to at least rate a phone call. Does this make any sense? I'm so angry, I'm past the point of swearing because cursing doesn't do justice to just how I am feeling. I am in a quandry. What to do? What to do? Sit and stew or do something productive. Productivity is probably the better answer. I'm so tired of being tied up in knots- knots of joy, knots of confusion, knots of sadness, knots of anger, knots of betrayal, knots of love, knots, knots, knots, knots... so many knots. My stomach and my heart cannot take anymore. I'm out.