My oldest brother, whom I adore, is a horrible thief! Not in the "steal from a decrepid grandmother" sort of way, more in the, "Borrow stuff from baby sister and never return it" way. Of course, I'm the idiot who keeps loaning him stuff but that's in my "I want to share such great stuff!" excitement. Then there are things that I ban him from taking that he Shanghi's anyway, as in the case of one of my Ella Fitzgerald CD's! Recently, however, I have been able to exact some vengence in this arena. Due to unfortunate circumstances, he has had to leave the majority of his CD collection at my house. Alas, I have only been able to reclaim one of the lost ones. Portishead "Dummy". My Smiths "Singles" is still missing. He has the case, but the CD itself is lost, probably to the Land of the Left Sock. But my Portishead disc, that was a fabulous re-find. To listen to "Sourtimes" and "Glory Box" is like visiting an old friend. Aaahhhh! Good times, good times! Now, if only I could find that Ella CD... hmmmm...

I'm too tired to write but I desperately want to, so I will waste space and time with piffle. I'm constantly tired as of late and wonder if I shall ever not be tired again. I wake up, exhausted. It somehow doesn't seem right that after 7 hours of sleep, I'm still so damnedably tired. And I wonder, does dwelling on being tired make a person more tired... I will stop wasting everyone's time with this atrocious dribble. Wherever you are, my wish is that are well rested!

That is fast becoming my title. I used to be such pathetic Romantic, in love with the idea and the ideal of Love. Now, I find myself becoming very jaded but I do still believe in it, just not with the rampant stupidity that graced my former years. Now, when I hear the heroine say things like, "I'm ready for a Romantic Love!" I find myself wanting to scream, "And it won't last, you stupid Cow!" I watch movies like "My Best Friend's Wedding" and think that they should make a sequel, "My Best Friend's Divorce" with the same cast and characters. There must be something wrong with me. Damn Disney and those stupid fairy tales!

Sometimes, Yoda's words to Luke reverbate in my head..."He always looked away to the future. Never his mind on where he was (punctuated by jabs with his walking stick), What he was doing!" It was an admonition that seemed scarily apropos to me! Friday, as I was buying stuff for my new apartment that I don't yet have (again looking towards the future, but this time only a couple of months!), I realized that my future is now. It might seem crazy,and so damnedably cliched, but true. That moment that I have been buying for, saving for, wishing for, waiting for, has arrived and it felt really, really good. My future has arrived. Now, I just have to live every moment like that, like my future has just arrived because let's face it, every moment IS like that! So what am I waiting for?

Cowardice is my curse. And it's something that developed over time because once upon a time, I used to be brave. I try to pinpoint when precisely this cowardice took such an encompassing hold of me and I can't. Sometime in college. And it isn't as though I had some huge rejection in college that occurred. Perhaps it isn't just one thing, one devastating event. Perhaps it's just the everyday that has had such an effect.

I fight and rail against this. And in many aspects of my life, this is getting much, much better. I'm finally going to be getting my own place, in the autumn. I'm living my own life. But when it comes to men, I just can't put myself out there. That fear of being shot down stops me cold and nothing can make me budge. And I detest it but it's so safe and comfy and warm to be alone, by myself. But it's that "lone" part that really sticks out. And it makes so damn hard to get a great date to a wedding! ARGH! Some how, some way, I will find courage in this arena.