When I purchased legos for my niece and nephew this evening, my heart was brimful of happiness. I still keep seeing my niece sitting in my mom's car and waiving me through the window of the airport bus where I was sitting last winter. She might have not realized that I was leaving away for a long time at the moment. She was just waiving me as usual as she waives to everyone else. But, my eyes kept following her and my mom until disappearing finally from my sight.

I kept thinking of a Korean writer's essay "Karma" while driving all the way back to Buffalo from Cold Spring. "There was the one your heart was close to, but never see again in your lifelong even though you are longing for, There was the one you loved, but you wouldn't want to see again, it would be better if the last meeting never happened"

I was hiding my tears behind my black sunglasses and looking over him watching my car disappearing through my window mirror. And, I drove away from his small Ireland. It might be the last time to see him or it was just one of those moments that I had a feeling attached as my life goes away.

Driving for a day that seemed like testing my endurance as if being punished by my father when I was a little girl. I did not understand why I had to stand against to the wall for 2 hours in a dark, rather I was getting much more angry with my father. But, I know now what it was. It was the awakening realization for myself.

The touch of a kiss in my dream was not someone else's. It was mine as if I had one before a long time ago. It was like the one I was always longing for. The day after the dreaming, I was in a peculiar mood with an indiscernible feeling almost all day long; that feeling just drifted my unconscious space until he spoke insensitive words to me. I coudn't stop dropping my tears as I was writing back to him. I know there is no space that anyone could wedge into his heart for a long time, or it is only for me "no space"

You know how much I can laugh at you!
You know how much I can look down you!
You know how much I can talk down to you!
I am snobby as much as you are! or even more!

If the heart is not full enough of love, perception, respect and mutuality, the heart is a trash like a coca-cola can on the street that everyone kicks away as they are walking.

Everything in human being feels me emptiness too much. It doesn't really matter to me how different people are. Nothing makes me feel full enough. It's been like that for a long time. But, strangly, I have so much feeling attached images in my invisible space as memory, which was probably from one of those moments that I didn't want to care of. I think I'm still breathing. To understand is better than understood. It teaches me and rebuilds me in a reasonable way.

Tomorrow night, I'm flying to Korea about 15 hours again. This time, I will be the best aunt for my niece and nephew.

Things list for today before leaving tomorrow.

1) Record the sound I've been collecting onto a DV tape for my work.
2) Shopping for family, especially for Niece and Nephew. (I have to buy Lego) Done: 7:30.
3) Burn all my pictures on PC.
(My mom wants to have my photo, good one that my youngest sister just told
me today. Hum.. why..? I hope, she doesn't want to use one for someone else,
Sounds little weird to me actually.) Done: 11:45.
4) Make shot lists to document my trip.

I'm out of my cigarettes. brb

Okay, BACK! Now.

5) I have to see my friend (e:Christopher) today, he is back for the holiday from Germany last night that I believe. Haven't seen him for 5 months so. Meeting at 8 at my place, he has just left my house at 11.
6) Find out a place where I can park my car while being absent.
Done: 5:30.
7) Eat all my food by tomorrow noon.
Anna, Alan and Chris helped me little bit

I don't know what else.. I don't wanna forget things. Hum..

Oh my god..
I haven't returned a book that I borrowed from the library. Oh my god.

I remember other things.

8) I have to let my landlord know that I can't pay lent fee for January on time.
9) I have to pay all my bills and put them into postbox.

Now I'm sleepy.. gotta sleep now.

While I was talking to my friend Chris who is in Germany for this moment (He has just singed up for elmwoodstrip.com), I realized that the way computer feature is female body. -- I usually tell people that I can't live without computer, coffee, and cigarettes although I really think I should quit smoking. -- Since I got my power book, my life-style with working on computer has been changed as well. I can just lay down on my bed and do something with computer. Also, my bed is so warm because I have an electronic blanket that makes me fall asleep unconsciously easily. It's quite strange because it looks like I sleep with my computer these days. Well, which is good since I don't have a boyfriend, it can be my boyfriend. Right..? ;)

Chris knows that I joke a lot and think a lot in a metaphor way and I am actually very sarcastic too. But sometimes people don't get it; for example Metalpeter totally got my point with my last journal in a different way. By the way, Hey! Metalpeter, I don't watch or look at porns at all. I really think porns are just playing with your psychological weakness. ;)

Chris asked me how I am doing these days, so I said that I'm bored. This is my psychological problem if I'm not in any specific working obsession. I can get crazy. Anyway, so I told him that I've been sleeping with my computer and trying to find out how to have sex with it. (I think I told Paul this as well before). Of course he laughed a lot. And we talked bunch of stuff; how I can use my computer on the plane, how I can recharge my battery on the plane and so on. Then, realized that I can't have sex with my computer. It doesn't have any outlets. It has only inlets. Everything we have to insert to computer. Damn it. ;)

Here is more..

In a sense of stereotype, men are visualized sexually. So, these days the way computer feature is very visualized. I don't know how many people can remember that the beginning of computer feature was so ugly (it was DOS) before coming out window version. So, it has become stylish like female body. And a lot of men used to want their women to be dominated, not contemporary society. In a sense, computer needs to be placed. Well, it's getting portable these days like how women are in contemporary society. Also, it is very complicated. In a sense, women are more complicated than men.

There are more.

It can totally screw you up in many ways. Also, men more got into doing computer in a sense of stereotype. Well, there are more, but I don't want to mention it because it sounds like I'm a sophism or sexism.

Well, too bad that I can't have sex with my computer anyways. ;)

I had three poor refugees (Paul, Terry and Matthew) from their toxic house last night and Robin joined us later. We watched a Korean movie called "Friend", well first second, they wanted to watch a serious German movie, but soon I realized the German movie might make them sleepy and bored, so convinced them to watch Hollywood style Korean movie. Actually, it was the first Korean movie for them ever, well Paul said he has watched Korean Pornos. 8* I think I should ask him where I can get one too ;)

Friend: A Long and Close Company.

I'm thinking of the definition of friend for this moment. In the movie, it says that the definition of friend is "A long and close company". hum.. A long and close company. Do I have one..? I have lost in touch a lot of friends in Korea, but I know I will get in touch with them again whenever I go back to Korea. Somehow it makes me feel shame because I feel like I call them up when I need. I mean it's hard to keep in touch for me because I'm here and our life-style is totally different.. the saddest thing is that we have lost a lot of commons. Nevertheless, they are always there for me.

Just thinking of friendship.. It's easy to say "she is my friend or he is my friend "
But, Don't we just use this word extravagantly? There should be loyalty when we call someone as our friend. My first younger sister said once that there should be needed a psychological and physical attraction to each other, then friendship can go continue.

I'm glad that my friend Craig is no longer mad at me. He was mad at me because I used a part of his personal story for my video work that he insist on. But I was very defensive and thought it wasn't a big deal both him and I at all. Even I thought why he could not think that one as an artwork. Well, I should've known Craig hasn't got over his ex-relationship. So, we didn't call each other for one month and half.

The other night, we finally talked to each other and I let him know that I'm leaving for Korea from JFK this Sunday. He is trying to come by JFK to see me before I leave. I have 3 hours layover. Yea, Craig is my long and close American company that I believe..

Here is a picture of Craig when he visited Korea about 5 years ago.
We went to traditional Korean folk village. The one he puts on is a kind of old traditional punishment for kids. If a kid pee in the bed while sleeping, the kid has to go around neighborhood with on it in the morning. I think it's a cute thing.

I got up early today. It's kind of funny to me because I could never get up early during the semester, but now it's over.. then get up early. I'm too bad.

I'm looking for a song for this morning right now. I've been listening to "The Album Leaf" too much, so I need to change music to something new. How about "The Rapture"?

I need to start updating my website before going back to Korea. Nothing really is there and I want to have own my blog site too. So, I have to bug Paul for PHP things. Also, I've just started making a poster for Elmwoodstrip.com.

It's cold again. I don't like cold and snowy weather anymore. Whenever I complain about weather in Buffalo, a lot of people ask me about weather in Korea. Some people think of Korea is hotter than America. Well, Korea is definitely hotter than Buffalo. But, it is not like weather in middle Asia. Probably it is like weather in New York or Philadelphia in US.

Still looking for a good song for this morning. I think I should come over my friend's house to get some music because he said he has very good music collection. I've been looking for DJ Spooky.

My youngest sister finally got in Korea. We talked last night, but she was in a jet leg, so couldn't really say anything to me. Oh well, too bad, my second younger sister is in China for her business trip right now. So, we can't get all together again until the end of this year.

Coffee and a good music for this morning.. hum sounds good.. doesn't it..?