I admit this is a totally careless thing that happened... A tealight was burning in a tart warmer and the whole damn thing caught on fire like crazy fire flames that don't blow out like a birthday candle on a cake!!!

I got to it right before the smoke alarm went off @ 2:30am. But the smoke alarm eventually went off adding to the heightened moment. No one was hurt. There is wax all over the wall that I will have to figure out how to clean up or explain to the landlord how such a horific thing could have happened. But I am extremely thankful that it didn't get out of hand and escalate beyond control.

So as usual, I wonder what sign this is... I sit on the sofa perplexed and angered and scared and self loathing all at once. Is this a warning for my recent wrong doings? Is this a sign to stop doing things that I know are bad or will have a bad outcome (like leaving a candle semi unattended)? I tend to find myself in situations lately that have tendencies to erupt like a volcano. I should just walk away from the volcanos
and the little primitive men rubbing sticks together.

Now I am leaning towards anti-candle-this happened way to quick and could have happened to anyone here.

Words from a friend that have haunted me since december: "Get Renters Insurance!"

well, it looks like I can't even write this without another visit from good ol' temptation. what the frick! we are all stocked up here - no thank you. I don't want to put out anymore fires tonight!

speaking of which...when is my fire going to be put under control? I don't see any adequate firefighters up to the job! perhaps they havent been through the right training or perhaps I am in the wrong district!

I have spent the last 144 hrs+ complaining and being ultimately miserable. First I thought it was because of a certain monthly recurring factor. In part I believe it was, but now thats done and I am still miserable. I have been this way for years now. Why wont I change the cause?
What shall I do? Terry offered consoling words: You cannot know happiness without experiencing misery. so, I write today to offer somewhat of a formal apology to all of those that I may have offended in the last few days and the previous 8 years by my toxic feelings. I am super sorry. Sorry that you had to witness or experience my bitterness. The memories are still there. I don't want to be 47 and still harboring bad memories from 20 years ago or 30 years ago. That would suck. Let these feelings be buried or burned. This shall pass as every new day has the opportunity to bring something good into your life - will today be the day for me? wish me and all others luck!

"If I go,Before I'm old.
Oh, brother of mine,
Please don't forget me if I go.

Bartender, please,
Fill my glass for me.
With the wine you gave Jesus,
That set him free after three days in the ground."
((dave matthews - bartender))

song of the week "Flawless" - George Michael.
I heart him! This song was deemed "our song"...

"You've got to reach the other side of the glass
I think you'll make it in the city baby
I think you know that you are more than just
Some fucked up piece of ass
Got to be some way to make your way to the light (All the boys say)
Got to be some way, today, today, maybe tonight,
They'll see you tonight
Do you want a saviour, Say that you do,
You know you're wasted here,
And there ain't no miracles happening any time soon ..."

anywho...lots of other personal occurances "firsts" going on...
all i can say is my bum hurts!
I am sure my heart will be the next body part 2 succumb 2 the evil perils of a boy! i can't believe these unimaginable events are occuring week after week. what the hell is wrong with me? why can't i focus? they are all distractions. fun distractions in a sense but distractions nevertheless.
At least I have been on an alcohol break for 1 week + 1 day (well -1 day, I had a weak ((by request)) peach martini last night) hmm...If I had kept to my alcohol free diet my judgement may not have been impaired to drive 30 minutes south of the city for company. i wish i could buy or grow something to injest to rid myself of naive behavior. wish me luck!

i am excited about the festival or just saturday in general i suppose. hope to see lots of you out on the stri tomorrow!!!

June 03, 2004
Libra

"Someone who's traveled quite some distance to indulge in the pleasure of your feisty companionship is about to make their presence known. Ready or not ... "

is this bizarre or what? i meet someone from my hometown GA, that traveled back to buffalo for just a weekend,the same night!
I always think these are just for entertainment & still do but I think its funny/crazy the coincidence. Scarry though, the part of ready or not. could be good or bad

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