i really do want to be on the beach. If only meinhold could have waited another day. Keith is going to be there for two weeks??? God, I wish I could convince Francine to drive down there. Anyone with a car wanna go to SC? Damn it, I do want to be on the beach, oh well.

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated
through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all
time, this expression is unique.

If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be
lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine
how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with other
expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and
directly, to keep the channel open.

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to
keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you.

Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction,
whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction; a
blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the
others.

Martha Graham (in a letter to Agnes DeMille)

time is a wasting, it's nice.

I don't think I can come down cause I blew a lot of money in nyc this weekend, well not a lot but pretty much all I had. Meinhold kind of freaks me out anyway cause of the time he bit me, gave me a wet willie, and called me slutty for asking him to buy me a drink. I did call him on Sunday night. I left a message but he never called back and I'm sure as hell not trying to chase him down.
Francine said that she shouldn't go either. We're both in the poor people boat right now so ... best to stay put. I need to clean my apartment and consider what the hell I'm doing with my life and all that.

I'm back after running away to nyc for the weekend. I had a good time. Most of the trip was solitary traveling. I like people to watch strangers. New York is a large state. I had some drinks with Mr. Walsh, Nate, Sherrie, and Ned. I know Mr. Walsh and Nate from Atlanta. One was my teacher and the other a fellow student. Sherrie I just met that night. Ned went to Alfred with Mr. Walsh and I'd met him before.
We all went to a bar and had a few drinks. I reminisced in my mind about homo erotic wrestling in the interactive video lab (IVL). We all piled into dans car and left the bar to go hang out at Ned's house. Sherrie lives in the same building. On the way up the stairs we noticed red crap all over the back of Sherrie's dress. I remember following her to the door saying "hmmm, it almost looks like menstrual blood." She went to change but then she never came up to Ned's place.
Mr. Walsh, Nate and I decided to take off so we went to the car. Nate was in the front and I climbed into the back. I got something slimy on my thumb when I climbed into the car. I held out my thumb exclaiming "ewww gross what the hell is this!" Dan pulls back over and we realize it's all over the back seat. I jump out of the car shaking my hang off and gagging. We realize that Sherrie managed to secretly vomit on the ride back. Mr. Walsh wiped up her vomit with a merry Christmas dish towel that we left laying on the side of the street in Brooklyn.
The next day I boarded the train and got back to buffalo at 10:30. The subway wasn't running and I had not arranged a ride so I walked back to my house from the station. I got to see the clean up crew removing Buffalo's taste. Keith left me a message asking if I want to go to South Carolina. I called the number he gave me but I haven't heard anything back.
I talked to Andy for a good long time. I want to go see him but who knows. I think I'm finally going to clean up my messy apartment and try to focus on my academic work.
I've started reading a book called A Slave Holders Daughter and the title is apt because it's written by a woman who was born in Mississippi the year the civil war ended. Her family lost it's fortune.
It is terribly bias but at the same time it's interesting to hear a first person perspective on the conditions of life back then. I'm fascinated with the idea of slavery, mainly because I believe that it still exist but needs to be better defined. I mean working full time for six bucks an hour, isn't that slavery, in a way? Why is it that some people are screwed in life and others have opportunities fall into their lap? What is this American dream people like to speak of? I don't know. I'll figure out these thoughts eventually.