Lobsters of the world united today to protest the development of a robot lobster they fear will take their jobs trolling the ocean floor and fighting with claws. The robot lobster, called the "Lobot," was designed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, more commonly known as "DARPA" or "the DoD's tech spooks." The Lobot was revealed at a recent Wired convention, when it sparked outrage in the lobster union ranks. "What makes them think a machine can replace us? I mean look at its sorry excuse for claws! And it isn't even red!" remarked one upset lobster, just before being tossed into a pot of boiling water. He followed up by adding "Aaaaaacccccgghhh!! Boiling water!" but couldn't be reached later for comment.

Lobster labor lobbyists are organizing rallies around the world's oceans to prove to consumers and employers alike that there is no crustacean like a real crustacean. Thousands of lobsters were seen trundling around the shoreline and bobbing their eye stems angrily. Like many workers in today's technology-driven economy, they fear being replaced by a bigger, better, faster, mechanical sea-bug.

But DARPA designers seemed more interested in making their worm wiggle. "It was all about making them squirm," one DARPA developer said, referring to their prototype robot, and not the anxious egg-born versions. "The difference between animals and robots is robots get stuck while animals squirm their way through," said inventor-engineer Randolph Pinky of Phoenix Online University. "It's amazing what you can do with a glob of nerve endings." Pinky wouldn't comment on whether or not lobsters feel pain when boiled. "That's too metaphysical for me," he said "I'm a scientist." He then wrestled a fellow engineer to the floor for control of the joystick.

In their defense, DARPA representatives stated that the Lobot was not designed to replace natural lobsters. Instead, it will be employed by the Department of Defense to scan the sea floor for under sea mines. "As with most cutting edge technology" said one DARPA official "the robot lobster is all about 'kill or be killed'. We have to make sure we keep the bottom of the ocean free from terror. There are caves down there too, you know."

As for lobster connoisseurs, they say there's nothing better than the real thing. New York City chef Lalique Quizlo obtained a version of the $2 million robot lobster, as well as a two pound beauty he bought for just under $20 at the fish market. He boiled them both and smothered them in butter sauce. After the sparks died down, he attempted to take a bite of the metal and wiring of the robot lobster, but soon spit the bits out onto his plate. "No doubt about it, I support the natural lobster's fight" he said, while enthusiastically ripping its tail off.

Calls to Red Lobster went unreturned, although rumors that they will partner with the government to open a "Red Lobot" continue to circulate. The B-52's are said to be considering a "Rock Lobot" remix in time for DARPA's annual Summer Fun Strategic Redevelopment Retreat in Ogunquit, Maine.



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So I got an email today that read:

The subject of your painting "Giantess" has intrigued
me.

Assuming that you are the artist of this work, would
you mind sharing with me what inspired you to paint
this? Do you have any other works involving a
Giantess?

And was signed by a nice person who included their name and email. But I couldn't help replying:

Hello [Name],
Thanks for your interest. I am the artist of the work, and I am in fact a
giantess. At nearly 200 feet in height, like most artists I have trouble fitting in. I guess that was the inspiration.

Thanks!
Holly

I also asked where they saw the painting. I think it must be here on ole elmwoodstrip!

I have only two concerns: maybe they are a gallery dealer and I just screwed up. Or maybe they are a giant too and looking for fun with a big gal like me!

Well, I kinda want to tell you a funny story since I'm here at work and trying to waste time, but every time I try to start writing it I can't finish. I think my typing muscles have atrophied now that it's summer.

OK, so the story. It might be funnier if you know them, but My mom and my sister Cintra were in town yesterday for my niece's graduation. After a long day, they came over to see my new apartment and weren't ready to leave until it was almost 11pm. My mom has years of driving experience since I've always gone away to school and she drove me, so it was decided that she would drive the 2 hours home to Pennsylvania. She opened the driver's side door to the truck with the keys, then she said "Open your door Cinny" and whipped the keys right at my sister's head. Cintra, without even turning her head or blinking, flung her hand up and caught the keys in mid air just before they gouged out her eye. I was like "Whoa, Mom, you're gonna hurt someone" and we were all laughing. So then my Mom says, "Oh that's our new game." See, my sister had said that women never throw things, they always hand them. So to prove a point (and then some) my Mom has started to throw everything she can, as fast as she can, and without warning. And Cintra never misses. Apparently this is great fun for them. Or an outlet for their pent up aggression! See, this is why I didn't want to write this story. It's hard to understand the side-splitting, tearing-up hilarity of these little Johnson family scenarios unless you really know us.

But, for those of you who know us, we're dying for a camping trip to the Mines... Why not even the weekend after next? June 17th?

So most of you must have gotten the MoveOn.org petition notice about the funding cuts for PBS and NPR. But the shakedown has been going on pretty much ever since Kenneth Tomlinson was appointed chairman of the Corporation for Pulic Broadcasting. He investigated the political bias of NOW with Bill Moyers' guests, and today it was revealed that he paid lobbyists basically off the books to influence legislation that would have given local stations more control of the Corporation. Maybe you consider yourself so "indy" that even PBS and NPR are too centrist for you, but you'd be wrong about the role that such broadcasting serves in the current media climate and how as a public trust it represents the best of what a partnership between government and the people can create. So what can you do if you live for and love your PBS as much as I do? Well, here's a few things: Write letters and make calls. Contact your Congressman. Mine is Brian Higgins:

27th district of New York:
Congressman Brian Higgins

431 Cannon House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
phone: 202-225-3306
fax: 202-226-0347

In the event that the funding cut proposal passes the House, beat the Senate to it:
Contact Chuck Shumer:
Contact Hillary Clinton:

Write to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and demand Tomlinson's resignation. I did! It was fun! Send mail to comments@cpb.org

Greetings,
I am writing to demand the resignation of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting Chairman Kenneth Tomlinson for violating the CPB's commitment to political objectivity and for working in an underhanded manner to subvert the CPB's mission. Chairman Tomlinson represents exactly the kind of partisan political interference that the CPB is designed to prevent. In addition, he has violated the ethics of the corporation by contracting independent lobbyist to undermine the role that stations play in the direction of the Corporation (Labaton, Stephen. "Lobbyists' Role for Public TV Is Investigated", NY Times 16 June 2005). His successful campaign to have Bill Moyers removed from the air also represents his bad-faith and back-door methods for turning the CPB from centrist, balanced media toward a right-wing agenda. According to a study conducted by the CPB itself, a plurality of viewers surveyed in 2003 found no political bias in Public Broadcasting. But that measure, Tomlinson's cry of "left" surely leads one to conclude that he is nothing if not "right."

These ethically questionable methods are being followed up by his recommendation of former RNC co-chairwoman Patricia de Stacy Harrison for President of the CPB (Farhi, Paul. "Front-Runner for Public Broadcast Agency Job Is Former GOP Chair" Washington Post 9 June 2005). If Chairman Tomlinson is so concerned with political bias in Public Broadcasting, how then can he endorse a Republican politico currently employed by the White House? Who has little to no experience in broadcasting except as the President's promoter? It goes without saying that her appointment would be the very definition of a conflict of interest for a media outlet that purports to be free from political influence.

Today the Congress of the United States received a recommendation to cut funding for Public Broadcasting by a full quarter of its budget. At this time, we viewers and listeners need leaders at the CPB who are proponents of the excellent and entertaining programming we have come to count on. What we don't need are leaders who are so clearly proponents for one political viewpoint, as Tomlinson is and de Stacy Harrison would be as well. For the cultural well being of our communities and for the long-life of Public Broadcasting, I feel it is my duty to inform you of these viewpoints, and to demand Tomlinson's resignation.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Holly A. Johnson
Buffalo, NY

Lastly, read up and get pissed:
NY Times: "Lobbyists' Role for Public TV Is Investigated"
Washington Post: "Front-Runner for Public Broadcast Agency Job Is Former GOP Chair"
Hands Off Public Broadcasting at Media Matters for America:
"Take Public Broadcasting Back" by Bill Moyers at Common Dreams

Please help by making a call or sending an angry mail. PR people have some kind of algorithm for determing how many people are pissed off when one person does something like call or write. It's like 20 to 1 or something. So if 20 of us write the CPB or call our Representatives, that's practically like the 400,000 MoveOn signatures all over again!

And to find out what's on tonight, go to WNED.org. Battlefield Britain is one of my new favorites. Interactive maps! Oh, it goes without saying that you should also give your station money. Remember "For the People" requires a little "By the People" after all.

Well, for the first time since I moved to Buffalo, I'm moving to a new apartment. It will be sad to leave the little closet I've lived in for 3 years, but it will be an improvement. The new place is on the corner of Parkside and Hertel. Hertel is my favorite street in Buffalo, no offence to Elmwood intended. But Hertel is more diverse and less commercial. You get as many people out walking the streets and sitting at sidewalk cafes, but not all of them are yuppie moms in birkenstock clogs, or student hippies, also in birkenstock clogs, come to think of it. You know, middleclass types who think they're environmentalist just because they wear fleece and forego those cardboard coffecup insulators. Hertel is more like a real urban neighborhood, with the old established Italian retaurants shouldering up with Halaal butchers. It encapsulates my little hopeful vision for Buffalo: a city that preserves its everyday gems (the Northpark theater) along with the bustling changes of a cosmopolitan community. It will be nice to look out on the corner from my 2nd floor porch and watch the neighborhood ebb and flow, come and go.

I'm also going to be moving in with my boyfriend, which is scary, but at this point it just seems practical. I mean, why keep paying for two places when we are only ever in one at a time, together. I really care about Matt in like a romantic way, obviously, but the more level-headed part of me just thinks its so much more practical to be in a dedicated relatinship than it is to be alone. There's no poem about how much money it saves you, or how someday you'll get to be on his health insurance, but hey, when you get to be my age, nothing is more thrilling than saving a ton of money. Not even sex maybe. Unless you have some kind of hooker coupon that gets you a reduced rate or something. Then you'd be both sexy AND frugal.

Of course, we have to move on May 1st, and I have major school projects due April 28th and May 2. But I have like the worst senioritis ever. Fuck school. I've like cut like every class I could for like the past month. I just can't sit through anymore of it, even if it is good for me. Forget it! I just want to do my own projects and read what I want and just go to work and shit. But then again I did spend a couple of hours today googling current Berkeley Rhetoric PhD students to see how I hold up against their stellar CVs, but apparently they're too busy being geniuses to learn some HTML, since I can't find anything good on any of them... Me, on the other hand, I've already had an illustrious career as a pop star. Just go to www.hollyjohnson.com and see.