Sometimes i wish i could possibly write down EVERYTHING that is on my mind. That i would have a little computer attatched to me and everything i thought would display in my journal. But then i thought it would sound like shit, It would sound like a whole bunch of ramble and things that don't make sense. Everyday to me is another chance to make it different. I was told if I wanted to I could make it different. But i find it so hard. My routine, is so planted that i can't see myself doing anything else. At night i would pray for forgivness. But a couple of nights ago when i was going to I stopped right in the middle of it. I didn't ask for forgivness because i didn't feel I did anything wrong that day. Sure ofcourse if god is a big of an asshole as everyone make him out to be, I would have done something wrong, but I felt different. There was a reason I was doing these "wrong" things. I do it to my self so why am I asking someone I have never seen before for forgivness. I should ask myself for it. I would do so much to myself that hurts me. Still looking for relationship satisfaction, is still on my mind. I have a boy i guess you could say I am "seeing". I have never mentioned him on here before. Maybe for good reason. What am I doing for him. Am I some new person who he feels comfortable around. Someone that he tells things too that he normally wouldn't say infront of his other friends. Or maybe just simply another piece of ass that he can add to his list. Maybe this guy is the release i have been searching for, or i am selling myself short, and just settleing. Man it can get confusing right? Sometimes i wish that i could read minds, it would make it so much more easier so I know if i am going to get hurt again or to keep at this. But then why should I have that gift. Sometimes one could feel like they have that sixth sense. But i always asked, if I could read minds, would i even speak? This boy like a couple of others has definetly gotten under my skin. But I fear just like the couple others, he will hurt me. So I don't get too close. I try to hang out with other people to occupy time where i am not thinking about him. I've been good about it sometimes. I have great friends who draw my attention other places.
I say to myself, TK don't do this to yourself again. It is hopeless, to hope. How dare you. But then again I can't help but to feel that this one might actually "like me". NOw don't get me wrong I am not asking for the world from him. I am not asking for everlasting night walks and LOVE. I am just asking for someone to appreciate me. To actually say "TK yeah the boy i sleep with,...yeah I like him he's a cool guy". But that can be too much to ask for from some people I've come to know. Thats why i haven't given up on it. Love that is. I feel if somebody actually "loves" you and you to them, there should be no boundries. There should be PRAISE. You should be happy just because they walked into the same room that you're sitting in. You can be upset with them, but something about you will look over that simple shit and try to work through it. You have to work for what you want, it's not going to be easy and everyone is not ready for the trials. We want to be lazy and just simply move on and try to find that easy person. No one is going to be easy. No one is going to fall right into our laps and do and be what ever we want. Thats why we are Humans; we have minds of our own and think for ourselves. Well most of us anyway. So grab that "mr. right now" then eventually see if that "now" part will just float away. Thats why I am not letting go of this one so easy and I suggest the same thing to you out there. If you want it, fuckin go get it. I can have it, and you can have it. We will find the one who will praise us.

It has been a month and a week now, and it feels like eternity. That's how long it has been since I've been unemployed. And that's a bitch. I had a job everyday since 2000, and now look at me. No job, no love. Woe to me, woe to me. I need to work, It's getting to cold to go to the corner at night and drop it like it's hot. I can't even let it down like it's warm anymore either. So if any of you know of ANY job opening, please, please, please let a nigga know. I am very talented, I work really good with people, especially men. I am very good with my hands, they move quite quickly. I love to talk, but my mouth works best when it's full. I am normally avaliable for work in the late night when mothers and children are sleep. So if any of you know of anyone looking to put this tall handsome youngman to work call me at 883-0688. Then give me about 20 min to prepare my "work station" thank you and I am here for you

Now with the year of 2003 coming to an end, I must say this. The year of 2003 has been by far the best year of my life. I have been through so much and met so many people, which I am deeply grateful for. This has been my healthiest year. I tried many new things this year that just made 2003 that much more exciting. Thank you, all of my old and new friends and I anticipate what the next year will bring to us.

"And so this is christmas, I hope you have fun"- lennon

Well in ways i am glad I didn't come home last night and i waited untill today. Although I was sick, I still had a good time with my family. I slept so late that I missed the opening of presents and dinner. And thats only because my family eats dinner about 1:00 pm. Weirdos!

It's christmas, and I have not had one happy moment with the ones I love the most. Forgiveness is a key to happiness. Some people find that harder to deal with then others. My brother has so much anger in his heart. He dosen't forgive my mother for all the pain she caused in OUR childhood. The drinking,the drugs, the hitting, has happened to both of us. I was there. So why can I find it easier to let go then him. My heart aches, coming here I fear was a mistake. Away is where i belong, I have moved on and backtracking, only brings me back down. My father is "a man of god" and one night he chased me out of our house, and screamed that he would kill me. He wasn't drunk, he dosen't drink. He has turned his back just eyvonne (mommy) did. Even more so because, he still hasn't realized it yet. My mother has come to terms that because of the heavy drug and alcohol abuse, that she lost everything. Her husband, money,house, children and mind. what she needs now is support.Being angry at her will only encourage her to continue her life style. I am proud of her. This past year she went to a centre in Penn. And she told her girlfriend she didn't want to use drugs anymore and that her and she should part. Now maybe that will only last a little while, but the fact that she made that decision is mopre important then ever. So this christmas, I bought her a gift. She deserves it. I hope that it will inspire her to kepp at the good things and maybe be on the right trac for the rest of her short life. That to me is the meaning of giving, and thats why I give. I am sorry to put this on here and it's christmas eve, but it was on my mind. So I say to you, if you haven't yet don't dwell on the bad this holiday season. If oyu look around oyu will see so much joy in everyone else that i hope it inspires you to keep a cool head. Even if you don't celebrate the season. Others do and others need you. Happy holidays and make someone happy this week.

tk