I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...
I never...

"It's something unforgivable"

This year Ive done a lot of things I never thought I would do, or always told myself I wouldnt do at this stage in my life....
drinking every weekend
smoking
sex
..... its a difficult task to explain what changed in me that made me do the things I did this past year. It wasnt that I felt the acts werent important or consequential... it was that I had to minimalize the tremendous pressure and phobia surrounding each issue. Even this explanation doesn't really do justice to the thoughts behind my actions.
I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that by putting so much pressure on my self to be perfect would just end in me messing things up, and regretting many things in my life. I knew having sex before i was married was going to happen... as much as i wish for things, i knew i wasnt strong enough in that belief to make it a reality. Instead of waiting for marriage, I made sure my first time was wtih someone i trusted, and someone whose intentions were honest. Because of this, Im happy with my choice... if i wouldve tried to wait, i wouldve most likely fallen for some pretty boy's line and fallen victim to stupidity.
As far as smoking goes... even the president (although thats not saying much) has smoked weed. I've tried it, not been all that impressed, and I am happy to say that Im content without it. Having the experience, however, is not one that I regret... I feel it was almost necessary to have an opinion on the issue
Drinking..... Im pretty sure that anyone who reads this blog will see that I enjoy drinking... smart drinkers who know both their limits and their friends are the people I tend to surround myself with, and I am proud of myself for this choice.

college has broadened a lot of horizens

Everyone calls himself a friend, but only a fool relies on it: nothing is commoner than the name, nothing rarer than the thing.
--Jean de La Fontaine

Thats my friends away message at the moment. With summer break coming soon, it makes me wonder who from high school Im still going to be talking to...
Sure Ive had Thanksgiving, winter, and spring break to test these friendships, and see how much of "the crew" was still hangin out... but summer is going to be different. Even winter break wasnt long enough to see everyone i promised, and it was acceptable to not hang out with people. Summer is 3 months... if i don't see some of my old friends in that time, i can't really expect much of a future out of that relationship.
Its gonna be interesting, and a good thing to know- who your real friends are- but it is also a very scary reality
There are some people who i already know have forgotten about all "our good times," but Im not ready to accept it. Passing someone in the mall might have once resulted in dropping other plans, going out to dinner, and spending a great evening just hanging out... now, passing that same person might get me a simple wave and exchange of polite "how-do-ya-do's"

its scary

"Did I win?"

Those were the first words he said when he woke up. The story behind it was a crazy one, i think its a great example of a night someone will only experience in college....

I'd been hanging out with this one fraternity for a few weeks now (it seemed like forever at the time) and it was time for an annual drinking conetest. It was their version of the semipopular "century club" (the century club is a contest to see who can drink 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes without puking). In this version, the goal was not simply to make it to 100 shots, but to also beat everyone else playing with you. The record is held by one of my good friends at 217. (Thats 3.61 hours of drinking a shot of beer a minute... 325.5 oz...) As you can imagine... this game gets crazy.
I was one of 4 girls participating iwth about 10 guys. I knew it was gonna be a messy game when all competitors were instructed to hang garbage bags around their necks before taking their first shot... they mean business. For the first half hour it was easy, but by the time 40 came, i was feeling full. The guy yelling "shot!" seemed to be speeding up, and i couldn't handle it. As a newcomer to the game, no one was surprised when i lost it at 44 (thankfully i wasnt the first out).
I proceeded to spectate for the rest of the game... surprisingly about 6 guys made it to 100. A couple quit after this, and some were forced to stop when they puked. One guy proudly held up his full garbage bag while the brother next to him proclaimed, "I could drink that!!!" sure enough, the bag looked like it was filled straight from the keg. By 150, there were only 2 guys left- a pledge and his much more slender pledgemaster. Stubborness and years of drinking were all that were keeping the pledgemaster in the game. (we'll call him Bob for the sake of the story) Bob was quite angry at this point, he knew his pledge was going to win, and we all knew he wouldnt remember this in the morning. Finally, at shot 167, he called it quits, without even puking, and stumbled upstairs to bed.
This wasnt the end of this crazy night. A little while later, all of us sober kids were still tending to the aching members of the century club, when one girl and myself went upstairs to check on Bob. He had somehow cut his face, and when we tried to get him up to go clean up, al he could say was "your mom goes to college."
.... what a guy
the next morning i saw Bob, who not surprsingly asked me, "Did I win?"

How you doin?

Yeah... I'll admit it, the opposite sex has kept me awake at nights. Whether its some late night cuddling with the crush of the week, a movie with 'that guy that you're friends with, but wish it was more to him,' or simply going over that day's feeble attempts at flirting, I have wasted many a nights sleep because of a guy.
I think everyone can admit it... especially in college...
afterall- its like nature, we are all in the prime of our lives, it's our instinct to be searching out the ideal mate. The frustrating thing is knowing when to trust your instincts and when to go with your heart (2 VERY different things) As a freshman girl, guys are a somewhat new and exciting thing. I have been silly enough to consider an older guy i met at a party a potential boyfriend. For years my best friend has warned me about guys like him. "Dont trust guys u meet at parties... if you're gonna crush on some guy, make sure u know him from classes, from mutual friends,somthing like that."
I of course said "ok, don't worry im not dumb." A year later here I am, having just in the past month nearly cried over a frat boy. Understanding is one thing... doing is another.

Living in the dorms has provided me wiht new and interesting outlooks on the opposite sex. While many of my close friends have always been guys, I don't have a brother and have never lived with guys for any extended period of time. It's scary but soooo intriguing to know how they think and opperate. It's almost like that car accident analogy... its so gruesome, but you can't help but look as you drive by. It's terrifying but amazing at the same time... in some weird way.




Thank God my parents don't know this site... theyd die if they knew how i was spending my college years