My audition is in less than a month.
I still have not memrized one of my monolouges.
I still don't have transportation or a place to stay.
I am still not sure I have the moral support I was promised, either.
My parents spent my money for the trip, so I have to find as many babysitting jobs as possible in the next month. So far, I have one.

Christmas is in less than a month.
I do not have any money whatsoever.
I do not have any idea what to get for my friends and family.
I have been stuck in my house on decoration detail for over a week.
I have to go to 10 parties in 2 weeks.

I have to go get a tree, babysit dolores, go shopping for gifts, finish making molly's gift, go grocery shopping, take bernie to breakfast with santa, have dinner with ka, and go see miss julie at CTC, and magically find 500$.




I think I need a xanax and a cup of tea.

My friend, in the past year, has cast out his three best friends from his life.

And it makes me wonder.

What horrible atrocity do I have to commit to make him unable to forgive me, too?

Apparently nothing at all. :(

I
hate
holidays.


Happy Thanksgiving.

won another poetry contest.
more publication.

still working on preparing monolouge for audition.
more memorization.

have to go see dolores tomorrow since yesterday was her b-day.
more cake.

also have to talk to rick about NYC.
more yelling.

emailed christina.
more worry.

december is in a week and a half.
more memories.

library picket on tuesday.
more outrage.


...you kno, it's surprising how much you can miss people that you never knew you would...

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My friend is like the Christmas Nazi.
She absolutely loves the holiday. Me, not so much. Christmas makes me think of things that happened during that time of celebration that don't make me want to celebrate...me getting diabetes, fighting with Nick, katy's dad's heart attack, my nervous breakdown, and michael.
I am also forced to see certain people during the holidays, and this is hard. For instance, christmas in my house means my cousins, namely duffy and katie. duffy, who i am still so upset with after events of this summer, and katie, who used be one of my best friends, but now we just say we'll call each other and never do. it's like that with my friend meg as well, whom i also see at christmas, tho i don't know if i will this year.
Christmas is just a rough time for me...it's hard for a person to understand that. Especially the Christmas nazi.
I love her intentions, and her generosity, and her frindship...but everyone else in my life understand that I'm not going to get all uppity abotu the holiday a month before hand. they know they can get a good two or three days of christmas cheer from me. they know that even tho i pray for christmas miracles every year, i don't really know if i believe in them.
it just got to the point where the whole month of december became this huge nightmare.
and frankly, no mater how much therapy i get or how many plays i write...it's always going to be this dark spot in my year.

unless, of course, christmas miracles are real.