Yea, I am backing myself into a corner and I'm going to have to make a decision. The sad part is that it's going to reverberate for a while given my current work structure will most likely be in place for a while. Here's the situation, I'm kind of seeing/talking to someone that I work very closely with on a daily basis. It's something that kind of fell into my lap as I didn't put any effort into hitting on her, it just came. If one thing comes out of this it's that at least I can say that I do possess some level of attractiveness that can lure someone in without putting on the whole charming front that guys in most cases must do to "hit on" someone.

So here I am with this person and in my best interest I've basically handled this with kid gloves, since I don't want this to become a grease fire & shitting in my nest is something that is not on my list of things to experience in life.

So here's my problem: She's pretty attractive and very moral in the sense that she's a church girl and even does music for various Catholic Churches. But as I've eluded to in I'm not used to the role of being the dominate male especially with someone who is more vanilla than I've experienced since I got my relationship psyche cleaned out by a couple of crazy love interests from my past.

Just like the Angel on one shoulder and the Devil on the other duking it out I have this dilemma on my hands. I think my mind has been tainted in the "Tainted Love" sense by the alternagoth queens that I've always ended up with in the past that produced great longing and sex. Then again I've always have been battling this dark feeling of helplessness every time I come across some obstacle that most people can just get over but to me and my perception always seems monolithic. Nothing will scare a normal chick away like that kind weak, helpless whining. I've always felt this way, but luckily it only comes cyclically. Or at least less frequently due to me playing a big game of avoiding making large decisions in life to snuff out an possibility of me mourning a shitty decision and taking a trip down a spiral for weeks or a couple months at a time due to that one thing.

So anyway I have this chick that's into me and is pretty nice and wholesome. The last thing I want to do is fuck with her head as I have with so many people [Although for most of those participants, it was mutual] But at the same time the inner Catholic altar boy wants a nice wholesome no psycho wife that will be all quaint and "normal" whatever that means anymore or in actuality some concept of "normal" from the unobtainable permanently lost past.

There's just a battle in me that has been going on for years. The "normal" person that can hang with frat boys versus the dark existentialist that loves indie films and depressed artistic sex fiends with multicolored yarn hair that listen to stuff that makes NIN sound mild. The excuse of blaming my high school just isn't cutting it anymore. Do I have to make a decision or marry someone that will force me to live a secret double life?

Yea, I have issues I know...

I'm bummed that Nu blew the first ever post-season home game tonight. They just couldn't hit free throws. Gone are m delusions of grandeur of them actually being a NCAA Quality team. The only thing I could take was the fact that at lest George Mason lost to Penn St; If Mason won & NU had a the potential to host a 2nd round game I would have went nuts.

Ok on to the real tournament Thursday, that Play-In game is so fake.

Yea a great time last night as always. It's always odd to remember the bits of conversation that you overhear. This one I really don't know where it came from other than some guy was talking about this song

Other than that I did have3 an interesting time analyzing myself with e:Carolinian on the porch

He's so right in a way, there is something deep inside my subconscious that needs to be dealt with for me to continue to progress.



So there it is the ball of nervous uptight energy that needs to be sprung.

Yea, I don't get that "I must go see X Show" motivation too often but for some reason I just want to go See Jane's Addiction. NIN really hasn't done anything for me that has gotten me too excited for about the last 10 years. I guess with teeth was OK but you just can't listen to Trent too much or you'll just attach a dark ion to your outlook on life.