like the chinese and japanese and some other cultures i'm sure except that i don't know anything about them at all, i would like it if a "letter" (character) meant a whole word or even a whole phrase. here are a few in the language del trisha

this is the character for what jessica simpson, inc. did to britney spears, inc.


this one means "you can't go to the bathroom right now"


this means "the stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of texas"




does anyone want to start a goofy olympics with me? watching them on the teevee makes me think that these people are superhumans with amazing powers liken to gods, and i forget that myself and the people around me all have special powers too. the olympics is bad for one's self esteem, is basically what i'm saying. so what, so i can't do triple backflips into a 360 half twist into a three quarter pike off of an eighty foot platform from a handstand position. (that makes no sense to you fans of diving out there but that's beside the point). so that makes me MERE?? that makes me PLEBIAN? screw you, all you athletes of the olympics, and all your lifetime of hard work and relentless training, i'm special too dammit cause i can.........umm........i can........mmmmmmmmm........MAKE UP MY OWN LITTLE LANGUAGE!!! yeah. take that, bitches. so if anyone can think up goofy events that we can goofily "compete" at, with a goofy scoring system and those delicious chocolate discs covered with gold medal foil as the prize on high, let's go for it. ha! athletes can't eat chocolate......

AND RAT-A-TAT-TAT-T-DOW!!!!


phew, that felt good. plus i'm cracking myself up over here. i looooove cracking myself up. ask paul. he totally knows.

aquarius: just so you know, you're not the only ones who have your zodiac sign in a song. there is also this beastie boys song in which one of em (i can never get it straight, which one's mike d again?) proclaims his scorpio-ness. BUT- the good news is-- your song, the dawning of the age of and so on, IS the most famous!! i (and the stars) encourage you to go out and CELEBRATE your astrological FAME with a cigarillo or mudslide of your choice. isn't it awesome to be famous???

scorpio: see above. your sign too, is in a song, just a really obscure one!! mike d (screech's older brother-ha!)'s line is "i'ma scorpio, so, y'know i'm very sexual." damn right! like a neon heartthrob, you'll pulse a soft pink light into these waning summer nights, infusing them with sexualness. your sexualness will be like a polyester peach nighty on a sweltering humid midnightscape, shiny and sticking to the skin. like a sandy beach, you'll have a tendency to get in people's crotches. watch out for vd. and pirahnas, of course.

pisces: we may lose and we may win, but we will never be here again. so pack it up i'm climbin in, and take it eeeeeeee zeeee.

virgo: you should spend some time channeling the power of your unknown missing body part this week. what might it be? a rigatoni shaped appendage for displaying glass baubles bought at mysterious art fairs? a flagellum for moving oneself out of a confused state or a lumpy couch? a stamen for impregnating airborne ideas? it's so up to you, but whatever it is, it has tremendous power. channel it baby.

aries: there is an elaborate expressionist art plot in store for you. be cued by any thick black lines in your life, begin to walk through doors as though they were askew a la cheap carny funhouses. love, eat, and talk slashily this week. welcome the slants, and life may begin to take on a very edward scissorhandish quality. i mean the mansion and stuff, not the pastel suburb part. ahem. i thought he was kinda hot, that edward scissorhands.