i have a serious problem with him. i have been watching jeopardy as of late and am sometimes confronted with the soulless mofo in the last moments of 'wheel', while he is mindlessly bantering with vanna for the camera. empty, vacant, he makes me ill.

perhaps i write this only because soulfulness has been on my mind as of late. i (rather vainly) used to imagine i was an 'old soul' (how you truly know this is beyond me) but now i think of how little i truly know about life and how my feelings, experiences, and intuitions are really no more special or amazing than anyone else's. (well, ok, just a tad more special hahah). i think about how my poor memory has contributed to a sort of 9 lives phenomenon with me, and how even if i've "been there, done that" it is like a plastic egg in my mind: only an outside influence can reveal the surprise inside. all these things and more now cause me to believe that in fact my soul is very young, so hurray for hasenfefer, here we go! i think it helps to make me an excellent mama.

back to work isn't quite the blues i thought it would be. the first week was hard, big time. this week, magically i am cured of the initial heartsickness. it helps that my company is WONderful. now i feel an opposite worry creeping in, that i just don't have the patience with little cute that i did when i was here with him ALL DAY. sigh. always something to fuss over with me.

or perhaps they are weird sisters of a sort. it would seem they are opposites but think how if you haven't spoken to your friend in soooo long the 'i'm sorry i've been really busy' line is the first one you use. it'd be much more honest, and would probably help patch the friendship better, if we just said 'i'm sorry, i've been really lonely.' 'i'm sorry, i've been focusing elsewhere, and our relationship has suffered for it.'

friends are so important, that is a thing i must remember. in my life, people and things have come before (and i *have* loved them all) and the ones i've hung on to are simply the ones that have hung on to ME. plenty of things have changed and then some things just stay the same. friends are hard to make and even harder to keep and i am rambling but i write this as a note to myself for the future, from this the past: if someday you wake and ever should think 'it is only when we're young that we shake each other's hearts ', then you must slap yourself and do all in your power to find that again and make it happen.


"and no kinds of love are better than others (la dee ta ta taaa...)" -lou reed, velvet underground