I love Let me count the ways..

I am impressed with the degree of passion for a variety of topics that are written about on this site. Particularly so in the very personal topics of politics, gender and relationships where intensity, assertiveness, determination and on some level, desperation that surrounds it is evident and refreshing. I love that people have thoughts and express them, no matter how the thoughts may be perceived. Hell, this is a journal, a dedicated spot to share ones thoughts. The reader doesn't have to like it. It would be shameful for people to edit their content, length or authenticity to suit the reader. So while things certainly get heated around here, it is that sparring and the passion that backs it that I can appreciate.

I thought I had missed some postings by my fellow e-strippers. I checked out the links from e:Jason and e:ladycroft and the subsequent comments pertaining to the ubiquitous topic of gender and relationships. So while I cleaned my apartment, I thought about some of what I read. This post touched upon only some of it, although it is lengthy:

People are generally looking for the same thing. To be noticed, to be respected and to get laid. Not an exhaustive list and not necessarily in that order, eh?

Read on, kind e-strippers. I write as I think. Thoughts and questions that cross my mind and are not directed at anyone:

How do you want to be treated?

And then how do you go about getting that?

I don't think people willingly ask to be treated like some sub standard amusement, so why allow it?

You aren't getting a particular individuals attention, so you are ok with alternating your behavior to get noticed? You really want someone to notice the un-you? Then when the real you surfaces (and it will because you can't change your core-being) you can't figure out why you or they are miserable..

If you are a nice person continue to be nice. if you are a bitch/dick head, continue on.. its who you are.

You are skeptical, hesitant and distant to the possibilities because you are basing it all on statistics, what your friends have told you, your past experiences and what you see in the media (and on Chippewa, hehe).

You don't know what to say, what to do or how to act to 'attract' the attention of an individual, and you wonder why no one is noticing? What is there to notice? A confused, passive, closed off, watered down version of the individual that you really are (when no one is looking..) Not so attractive!!!

hmmm, lets see: Girls making themselves "attractive" to guys. Nothing new there. Look at the magazines, shows and all the products. Guys making themselves "attractive" to girls. Yep it happens and is becoming more apparent. If there is a buyer, you know there is a seller. And just as there are guys who dig the made up chicks, there are girls that are all for the equal effort. Ok, not a big deal. Let them hook up with each other. k, easy enough.

If you don't dig it so much, please don't change yourself just so you get the attention of those people. It perpetuates your state of misery and discontent, not to mention disregard for your self esteem.

From the aesthetic point of view, I like a guy to look good. I like when they are groomed, smell good and have some style. I also like them the same when they are unshaven, are wearing week old jeans, wild hair and have some b.o. (not the dirty kind, but the natural guy scent). Ok, there was a time that I used to really dislike body hair, but that has totally changed; which is great. I love how soap scent lingers..Mmmmmmmmm

All that shows that they are human and while they take pride in themselves, they are comfortable in who they are. And that is hot.

When you are not comfortable in your own skin, it shows; and that isnt nearly as attractive as someone who is comfortable and confident with themself.

As for myself, I primp. I buy the products, I take care of things- girlyish but not consumed in the process or end product. I do this because I want to, not for the attraction of another. I wear make up and lip gloss. I style my hair. I wear skirts, stockings, shoes, sexy lingerie and perfume. I also wear jeans, old beat-up hoodies, days that I don't brush my hair or style it and I get dirty (but I still wear lip gloss and shave!).

As for actions, well, its great to do things for others. I am all for doing something to make someone happy, but not in that losing myself, losing my identity sort of way. It is about offering what I can to enhance the other persons life. I wont be a 'slave' as that suggests doing something out of having to. What I decide to do is all because it is something that I want to do, because it is someone I care about, a lot. And because this post is about relationships, it is reciprocated. (But not keeping score). If ity seems too complicated, then it isnt right. If you are looking out for one another, than all that should come pretty naturally. Ha, I once bought dinner (just some pizza and wings) for a guy, who responded in "what are you the guy in the relationship?" so, I answer, "as long as you put out, its all good". Yep, the 'experation date' on that guy came up real quick after that.

e:jason, I keep coming back around to your post. This is because you made some great points, there are good examples and this topic comes up in your journals. And I like your thinking.

So, holy hell, lets examine the lemon girl.. that is definitely a matter of respect, on both parts. Hers for not having any for him and he for not having any for himself. And I am sure everyone has seen, heard of or directly experienced disrespect. It cannot be excused as one gender, race, culture or another. It is a specific person being an asshole (from here on I use the term asshole to represent the worst of the male and female stereotype).

It is that same asshole who sees the opposite sex for entertainment purposes only. Sure it drives me nuts, it frustrates me that this asshole ruins it for both men and women. Girls think that they are only entertainment for guys and guys end up thinking that they are just entertainment and otherwise useless for the ladies. And so both of us end up with that mindset and in some ways begin acting the mindset. Then we fuck things up because we are not being ourselves, we are operating on past bad experience, we don't talk about it and we attribute everything to all the fuck ups of all the assholes that we have seen, heard, dated, read about or are friends with.

And maybe at some point in our lives we were those assholes.

and so; LET IT GO. Grow up, make your own decisions, live the life that YOU want to lead, expect respect and dont allow anyone to get in the way of being who you want to be. HOWEVER- dont assume that everyone you meet is just like the assholes you have dealt with in the past. You treat them like they are that past asshole, and you know what?? they become it. YOu begin to look for those things in them and after time, they appear. It isnt their fault, it is YOURS.

All men are irresponsible mindless dumb jerks? guess what? every guy you meet will be an irresponsible mindless dumb jerk.

All women are use men for entertainment and only seek guys to see that they can get from them? well then, guess who you will meet?


I speak only for myself, although I wouldn't doubt that some readers may be able to relate. Whether male or female, we go through similar experiences. It is our individual differences that make things so complex. If we really could be easily clumped into respective stereo types, all would be easier. But when we do, thats where the trouble begins.

I can't possibly stereo type men without doing them a world of injustice; as should be expected of such. I love men. I love people's differences in behavior, interests, education, habits, appearance and values. My attraction to a guy is not limited to what he can do for me or how similar he is to me. I am speaking of the more personal relationship aspect here. Getting laid, casual amusements and other "uncategorized" relations are not the focus (as fun as all that can be it also influences the "assholism" tendencies; which is not always a bad thing, but when seeking something more 'fulfilling' there are more choices to be made, things to consider, some things to stay away from.)

I have been in situations that have tested my ideals and values. Maybe I am different (but I doubt it), maybe it is maturity (to some degree), or maybe it is my upbringing (more likely) that I think, feel and behave the way that I do.

Do I want a guy that will financially take care of me? I haven't thought about it. It has never been a "dream" or an ideal for me. I think there are people that want and expect to be taken care of. I can't fathom it, personally. I am not even looking for someone who makes more money than I do, not that that would be difficult, lol. I have experienced financial ruin and never once did I think to "land a man" to take care of the problem. And it certainly isn't from a lack of offers. During that period of time I would not date because I had less than zero money to my name. It was very uncomfortable. I never expect to have all of the activities paid for. I have no problem taking care of the bill. Is that unusual? Its fun to pool our money together for an outing, or surprise someone with taking care of something or knowing that is not an issue or a matter of keeping score. I get paid this week and you don't? well, its my treat. I don't operate on rules. Sure, take me out for dinner, buy me flowers, do something thoughtful. But you know what? I am very likely to do those things as well. It is great to see and hear someone happy by your actions and thoughtfulness. There are things much deeper than a few bucks that will make me notice and be attracted to an individual. And it neither starts nor ends with the checkbook.

I have had men flaunt their financial assets thinking that I would find that attractive. In one case the guy made sure to let me know he had over two million in the bank. Maybe I was dumb not to accept dinner in Paris, lol. Or an impromptu jaunt to NYC. I have friends that would have atleast used him for some of the things he offered justifying that it would have been his stupidity for offering to take care of things financially like that. However, I have never been comfortable in that. Sometimes I wondered if I was missing out by decling those things through my life. My point? I couldn't bring myself to date someone I wasn't "attracted" to. And I can't use someone, not like that (again, sex relations are separate discussion- I didn't have sex with this person, however, I recently found out that this guy has told people that he has. Why??). I do have friends that would have jumped all over those guys.

Now, what if I were attracted? Well, it is their money, not mine. Same thing when they show off their expensive cars, trucks, homes, and other material goods. So what? IF all a guy has to offer me is a wad of cash (or other things related toi money) then they really have nothing to offer me. If a guy only has cash to offer a woman, than that is the only kind of woman they are going to attract. ahhhhhhh? see they pattern, now???? yet, funny that these same guys end up bitching about the fact that they only attract women that want their money. I just generalized all that, but try to see the message more than just what the words are.

You could be poor (but not living in a card board box or your moms basement), drive an old car, have minimal amount of "stuff" and guess what? I don't care! Certain things will tell me that you are reliable and responsible for your life; that you aren't a lazy bum looking for a free ride (still not talking about sex, kiddos). You pay your rent, bills and attend to other life responsibilities. YOu have life goals and aspiratons, that you work toward them and keep going. You enjoy life and look for the positive, not focus on negative. If you do happen to live in your moms basement, well.. there has to be a good reason, haha.


Am I so independent that I would never allow it? That is a bit extreme; I don't think any one of us can be that independent. I aim to be able to take care of myself. I have been doing fine (even with the financial ruin/ back injury/ life turned upside down and inside out days) for a long time. I recall some of my friends thinking that I was rich or had access to a trust because I never complained about money and always managed to have some. I don't complain out loud. Thats just me. I don't spend that much money and when I do, it means that I am super careful for a period afterwards. I grew up poor. You don't miss what you don't have. And really, what I do does not cost that much; occasional beer and pizza? That's a sure sign of financial security Some of the stuff I have now have been gifts from family, hand me downs, or road side finds that I have a knack for making beautiful. Or simply a reward to myself for pulling a 4.0 average. Hell yeah! I am defending myself because I get a sense that some of my friends continue to be under the impression that I live richly in the materialistic sense. It doesnt cost much to keep things clean and looking nice.

Have I been in a position where I have led the relationship financially? Yep, sure have. But not in the way that I ever care to again. He shirked responsibility in that sense. Rent money used for drugs. Well, everything was second to drugs. That greatly affected the relationship and was a large part of why we split. Anyhow, I would do it with out question for any other circumstance. It is about mutually taking care of each other. The balance of our strengths and weaknesses. If in a hypothetical situation, a significant other was down, I am there to help him back up, and in a relationship with me, I would be confident that he would offer the same. Who ever he may be..

See it is about taking on the world. All the fucked up things that go on, I want to be able to turn to my significant other and be able to know that we are never against each other. I expect disagreement, sparring, and some potentially uncomfortable situations to arise, but it would not be grounds for sleeping on the couch, silent treatments or dismissal. I would think a lot of us would want that. So then, why is it so complicated?

If I had the answers, I would write a book. But not of the "are men necessary?" variety, 'cause, I doubt my glow in the dark friend has a life time warranty. Har har.
I have heard that the more education and work experience a female has, the lesser their desire to marry or something. It was probably an excerpt from that book for all I know. It certainly can't be generalized across the board, but I can see that there are women out there that do not want a guy who has less education than them. A lot of people seem to think equality has something to do with similar levels of formal education and income. Hmm, no, not so much. I bet you know people who have a ridiculous amount of formal education that do not know anything at all, or all that they know is very specific to the degree earned. Or how about those that have a wealth of life education. They love to learn about all sorts of things and they apply their knowledge yet they do not have a degree.

I know I prefer someone who has been to college. But if I had my doctorate would I limit myself to only those with similar education? My first thought is that education level shouldn't matter. I definitely do not think that the guy is sub standard, that's fucked up. More likely the concern would fall into whether they were comfortable with my having an advanced degree. I never really thought about it.. I am working on my masters, but I don't look for someone with the same amount of formal education. It is silly to me.

I seek something deeper than the typical superficial crap, and yes, a piece of paper is still superficial to me, even though I prefer a college educated individual. It is just a preference and not an absolute. My rationale behind it has more to do with that I always equated it to demonstrated ability for follow through, responsibility, commitment to oneself and an interest in learning. This is not axiomatic, it is a deep rooted perception that I have held coming from an otherwise uneducated family (they did not go or did not finish college, then struggled with or shirked responsibility). I am always learning and trying to evaluate my thought process.

I don't have a wish list of attributes. There are a few fundamentals..

* You must respect yourself.
* Be yourself.
* Expect that you are accepted "as is"; I will not change you. I will not save you.
(some people really dig this, but I have come across those that are really weirded out by it..it goes against everything they have ever experienced, but that goes back to respecting yourself, I guess)
* Be compassionate and respectful towards other people and animals.
* Communicate. Despite popular belief I am not a mind reader.
* Have a sincere desire for stability, loyalty and experience of life.

"Thee" wish list? That would be "thee" asshole in me.. You can find out all that fun stuff later

BTW, I received the heat bill in the mail today. Holy cripes I can't afford to heat my apartment this winter! Laugh or cry? Hmm.. Laugh.
No big deal, I'll just set the thermostat way back and live in my bedroom under a pile of blankets. I had the heat cranked comfortably to where I could lounge in a tank top and sleep pants. No socks. And I had recently taken to sleeping nude. I don't want that to change so I made sure to put on the flannel sheets and a few extra blankets. I should be set.
I know it is cold in the apartment when the kitty has taken to sleeping curled up in a tight little ball. Icicles forming on his tail.

I started this post earlier in the night, left for a bit, came back to it. Now I wrap it up as I polish off a glass of Emu Shiraz
Got out the web cam for the fun of it.. some G rated photos..

Half asleep..






Joey woke to the snapping of the camera.. My baby boy JOOOOEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY He is always whereever I am at.






Thats it for now.

Take care,
Carey

Dinner at Carrabba's :
eggplant parm, water, salad, vodka

Average Joes:
Lots of shots of SoCo, balanced with multiple pints of Guinness

I didn't plan on staying out as late as I did, but the conversation was flowing and a good time was happening. Lots of friends and befriended strangers. Music wasn't too bad either. This time, my breasts didn't make an appearance, lol. and I wasn't even the one to choose to bare them! However the story from last time was retold, which I had pretty much forgotten about, lol.

A couple of weeks ago, I went out with no particular destination (Turkey Eve). While not a fan of going out alone, sometimes I don't want to stay in and be alone. When I do go out, a plus is that I always see people I know or can quickly make "new friends". Sometimes its a good night, sometimes it is a bummer. This had been a borderline bummer of an outing, but one spot I stopped into I found a bunch of my friends, whom I knew from work. I was in a little huddle with a few of them, when one girl *That Girl* came prancing up to me. (there is one *That Guy* and *That Girl* in every crowd- those that you put up with their "bad-obnoxious"- 'cause I otherwise like obnoxious- ways and try not to kill them for some of the fucked up things they do, say, etc.. and you otherwise like them, but from a "distance".) Ok, so this was many ours into the evening, everyone had plenty of drinks in them and I arrive, pretty much sober and unexpectedly. People are happy to see me and *That Girl* is for some reason, really excited.

I was wearing something distinctly feminine and sexy. A tailored outfit, sleek, straightened hair, makeup, and a hint of 'the girls'. My work buds never see me like this, as it is always bed head, jeans, oversized sweatshirt, no makeup (like in all of my pictures). Which I look just fine and its often a preference, but to be pulled together and 'polished', well, I am sure it was a nice sight to see.

And it was my look that made her exuberant.. she came up to me and grabbed my shirt and pulled it out and down, exposing my chest (a Fredrick's of Hollywood number) and loudly exclaimed, while grabbing, "Look its Careys Boobs! I have never seen her boobs! WOW! " And neither had the rest of my friends until that night. I wasn't embarassed. maybe I should look into this exhibitionist side of me..

Although this was a mild mannered situation (as we get way crazy), among my group of friends this would be considered, "In The Vault". We'll see..

The Vault is considered sacred information between a select group of guys and gals. To be admitted acceptance into the sacred rites and knowledge that comprises The Vault, one must be initiated through an informal sponsorship.
Mostly, ya gotta be cool, trust worthy, respected (very important) and fun. Not sure how I made it in, lol.
Initiation always included lots of beer and a toast.
and grilled barbecue chicken wings..

Really though, sometimes it feels like some sophisticated "In crowd" .
Stepping back, I run in a lot of circles.
Its all good.


I hope to get some XC skiing in this weekend, along with some school work, cleaning and more fun. Anyone up for it??? Skiing that is.. but feel free to help me clean

Maybe I will get in some Christmas shopping, although I doubt it. I haven't even started; I usually go out a couple of days before Christmas and get it all done at once. I am greatly skilled in the art of procrastination. I have Christmas gifts that I bought for last year that never made it out in the mail. I am a bad Aunt. Ooh, but I can send them this year, if I ever get a box and make it to the post office. I am awful with buying stamps and putting things in the mail.

Oh and if I am going to put up a tree, I should do that as well. Hmm, I have time to decide on that.. two weeks, is it?


bah

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemed to repeat it" g. santayana
not if I can help it.

A scattered post, not following any grammatical rule, full of comma splices, digressions and all sorts of other dirty things. Come for the ride..

Ok, so a couple of posts ago I mentioned that the statement, "I am ready" came to mind.
What am I ready for?

Well, I am not sure if I figured it out. I think it has something to do with just "going for it", whatever that may be. Take risks, get out of my comfort zone, act with (responsible) abandon and just go for it. Not be scared, not hesitate, just go for it.
I mean, I freakin' jumped in the damn cold lake just to get a picture of an ice caked branch! Which, in follow up, the branch and maybe even the tree is no longer there. And in hindsight all of it can be applied to some life affirming and life altering analogy.
Or I am just looney

"Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves."

Well, I do nutty stuff like that. I am spontaneous, energetic, silly, child-like (not childish), a bit of a prankster, ribald, naïve and wise (yes, it is possible) and genuine.
Hey, I am on a roll here..

And I think I do just as nutty stuff for the more significant matters as well. Sometimes I don't think, I just do...
I believe it was Einstein who claimed that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

At what point do you stop doing the same thing over and over? What if it is of your own volition for concern of another? What is it then???????

Ok, so I must also be ready to accept the consequences of my actions. Hmm. I have to think on that one.


Alright, so over the weekend, I took an excursion through my past. I did not know it at the time that I would begin figuring out where I am going by revisiting where I have been. It may sound cliché, but it is not cliché if you have never done it before.

I began by going for a drive. Well, it wasn't one of my preferred "drives", the ones where I would jump in the car, and just head out with no destination. I recall many times just driving for hours, eventually grabbing a bite to eat and heading back home, just singing and lost in my thoughts. (I sing great! .. by myself ) I really haven't gone for a drive in quite some time, considering gas prices, the state of my beater of a car and in general more important/pressing things to do. But this was a pseudo-drive, as I had to go to Lockport for just one simple errand. Lockport is less than a half hour away, but I rarely go out there. I happen to know the roads quite well; I lived there for six years, and seven summers. It was the first place I moved to after moving out from my house growing up. I took roads that I haven't been on in awhile that I knew would lead me to places of significant memory.
I had to go up rattlesnake hill. If you have never ventured it, it is a winding steep road that was always a "joy" to drive up and down during the winter. It was always caked with snow and ice-water run-off from the hill.
At the top of this hill is Monroe Street. I lived at 30 Monroe for all but six months of those years. The first six months were spent at 70 Genesee, the first apartment with then boyfriend. We had a bunch of cars and no drive way.

Woah, this was back in my "car chick" days. I used to say "I'd rather degrease an engine than grease a baking pan". Oh my god, I forgot about that until now. LOL! I used to know my way around an engine, having pulled and rebuilt a few. And I knew your firing order! It was my hobby when I wasn't working retail at GNC (health) and Merle Norman (cosmetics and skin care.. both mall jobs).. My nick name was "dirtgirl". AOL knew me as "dirtgirl69". Ha! And AIM is now PreciseDisarray. Fitting. Now I have AAA and can't even change a damn tire. Hmm, or can I? no, I am not sure if I have any residual skills.

Back on track, we eventually moved to Monroe, when the house became available, a rental that his uncle owned. A few years later we parted, and I was able to continue to rent the house. I was the best tenant ever, but it was the scariest house ever. It sat on the ground, there were always weird creepy creatures getting into the house ("bugs" of some steroid induced alien variety) and vines/flowers/trees grew though the floor, walls and ceiling. I had a delightful morning glory growing through my bathroom cabinet. Oh the memories that were had in that place..

I drove by that house and there was a car that highly resembled one that I used to drive parked in the driveway. It was kinda weird.

I continued to drive through the familiar streets. I giggled when I looked over at the "free advice" sign at the "Niagara Hotel", a classy establishment, where you are over dressed if you have all of your teeth. Ok, so I have been in there a few times--it was in stumbling distance of my house!

I used to walk the train tracks, "the trestle",across the canal from one side of Lockport to the other.

I made my way to Ernest Rd, where I worked for a community residence, the Aurora House. I really enjoyed my time there. I think back on it fondly, even though that is where I got hurt. I forget all about it sometimes.

I just drove around, thinking about where I have been, who I have lost contact with, and who I would like to re connect with. I eventually left and worked my way to Wilson. My mom lives there now, but I had spent a lot of time in my late teens early twenties in Wilson, Newfane and Olcott. There was a time when I didn't like to drive and I would instead ride my bike everywhere. From Youngstown to Wilson it is 14 miles. Wilson to Olcott, it is 8 miles, then I'd trek over to Newfane, another 4 miles, then go everywhere in between, usually crashing wherever for a rest, then do it all again. At night, wild dogs would try to eat me. My friend Lynn, would scream at the dogs and sometimes that would help, but it was always a matter of out running them and kicking them as you flew down the road. It was scary but also damn funny to look back on. I can't scream to save my life.

Anyhow, so I drove through town, trying to remember the names of the two bars. Genes, I think? Anyhow, my friend Lynn was a bit of a brute. She'd go in looking for a fight. I was always dragging her ass out of there, trying not to be involved in the scrap. How her and I became friends, I do not know. But she is one of my closest friends since 11th grade. She is from Wilson and I met her while doing make up/hair for the high school fashion show. She now lives there again, and I always have a good time being around her.

In seeing some of these places, the memories that it brought back were hilarious and at times overwhelming. I began to think about how all of this is my past. All the things I have done, places I have been, people I have known..

Speaking of the people I have known, a bunch of people from my past have been coming around out of the blue. Mostly through email and phone, but some have ended up on my door step. odd odd odd. odd.
odd.
I am still processing that one. (journal prompt)

I went home and dragged out the photo albums and boxes of pictures that I have had tucked away for a few years. This took me further into my past. It made me realize how far I have come when at times I feel like I am stagnating. I could delve deeper into my past by reading over my journals. I have written journals dating back to the age of 15, which I have been consistently writing in since then. I also have my electronic journals. I have been writing in Live Journal for five years, which now that I am "involved" with elmwoodstrip.com, I have been neglecting Live Journal for the most part.
Prior to the start of the written journal, I have been writing since the age of 8 or 9. Now that is just hilarious! I have looked back on that stuff and well, some things never change!
"Funny how the new things are the old things." Kipling?

Maybe I will have to post an entry or two, lol. I have thought about transcribing all of my journals. It would be a daunting process and one that I would need to be emotionally ready for. I mean, there is a whole lifetime of information in these books. I have been reticent in revisiting certain times in my life, even those written in electronic entries. Oy!

Ok, so I still do not know where I am going; but it has been interesting to see to some degree where I have been. And kinda fun as well.

For now, I am ok with that. In the spirit of following through with my recent need for movie marathons, I might have to rent all of the "Back to the Future" movies. Mmmm, no, maybe not.

I do however,still have at least a half dozen episodes of Rome to watch...

I cant compete.. lol
so..
Incase you did not mark it on your calender, set the DVR, etch it into your forhead here is a reminder..

Tonight:

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show


Tyra Banks, Gisele Bundchen, Heidi Klum and Adriana Lima are among women modeling lingerie at the annual event in New York; Ricky Martin, Seal and Chris Botti are scheduled to perform.


Runtime: 60 min

10:00 PM Tue., Dec 6 Ch 4, WIVB


Sweet Dreams!!
_________________________________________

The pictorals I can offer this evening:

I caught the sunset, but not so much on the camera. My fingers were barely able to move it was so damn cold and windy out. It was getting dark very quickly. I spent all of 20 minutes on the beach. I didnt jump in this time!

Lake Ontario: Again, T.O. was quite visable, along with two enormous barges that were passing each other, with T.O. in the background. Until I can take a pic with a more sophisticated camera, the image is only in my head.











Niagara River, down at one of the boat launches:

I have a ton of laundry to do; I have heaps of clean and dirty laundry growing on my bedroom floor. Add rabid dust bunnies, dishes, bras and socks strewn all over my apartment to the mix, and what I have is a total mess. I even have beer bottles lining my bath tub. I should take pictures, nah, maybe I won't. Sometimes I like making a mess. I am sure to keep adding to the mess before I get a chance to clean up after myself. The question is whether I will be as thrilled to clean it up.


I am not a fan of Mondays, so this morning it was difficult to drag myself out of bed. Once I was out the door I felt pretty good. I put on energetic music and finished 'waking up' on the drive to work. After a weekend marathon of the three Die Hard movies topped with a viewing of Kill Bill vol 2; combined with the icey cold air that not only pierced my lungs but may have affected my brain, made for a very sassy, goofy, and obnoxious Monday morning. My beloved coworkers were beside themselves, the kiddo that I work with, whom my coworkers refer to him as my "son", also seemed to enjoy my mood. The remainder of the day went by pretty well. This evening was quiet: just relaxing, writing, watching tv and eating some dinner.

As for new stuff, I began a new class. I have my absolute favorite professor of all time. I am so excited. The entire class is thrilled with having this teacher again. We spent the first part of class just catching up on our lives and all of us gushing over him. He claims that it is a good personality match; but he was being quite modest. It is primarily a matter of his being a good facilitator, public speaker, motivator and all around brilliant. We had him for our very first class, about a year ago. We still refer to the things he had talked about, that got us thinking and always managed to wrap all the information back around. His teaching us again is perfect timing, as the courses and material had been dragging us down. It has been a long, challenging year, and while we have just 10 months left, we are in need of a fresh approach. He is demanding of us, challenges us, and makes our brains hurt with information; nothing different than any of the other teachers and courses, but the vital difference is that he appeals to our inspirational side. We want to learn, we want the challenge, we want to unlearn and think about things from a different perspective and he facilitates that with finesse.

This past Thursday night was just a great evening of conversation. I am friendly with everyone; both in school and at my job. People know who I am and I make a small effort to be kind. My shy, quiet and slightly reserved nature makes it easy for me to appear aloof and standoffish, so whenever I think about it, I reach out to people. Consider it practice, I suppose. Being shy sucks. Yet throw me in front of a crowd and I am fine. Must be the one on one stuff. Hell, I'm learning. Anyhow, people still like me and my quirks.

So class this past week was exciting for the depth of interactions I had with a few of my classmates, all of whom I have regular contact with on the phone, email, in and outside of class. I also enjoy a good rapport with some of the college administration. Prior to class a few of us engaged in a lively conversation that started off light hearted then turned into a passionate debate then panned out into a great connection. Our dialogue did not center on a particular subject, although politics, religion, peoples mind sets, relationships and lifestyles laid the foundation. It was interesting to experience the difference in perceptions of people that you thought you knew. Having information added to your schema of an individual(s) is amazing. I tend to view the knowledge of learning more about someone as a positive. As I learn more about someone else, I learn more about myself.

That evening was a catalyst for putting some things in my life into perspective. I shared some information about myself beyond the realm that I normally would, and in a group at that. In hindsight, I am surprised at myself yet also proud. Over time, especially in the past year or so, I have been able to share more freely. I attribute these changes to the tail end experience of my back injury, the experience of working where I am at and all that I have learned in my graduate program. Also to a few select people who have had the patience and caring, trusting, confident demeanor that I need for this to happen. Thank you.

I have always used the written means to sort out my thoughts and feelings. It is quite another to articulate them verbally. I still struggle with that, but as with anything else, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. But just talking with these people, these friends of mine, men, women, various ages, backgrounds, was just a good thing. Who knew that such a random conversation could uplift your spirits? I went in with a heavy weight and came out with the burden completely lifted; and I am not even quite sure what that weight was. I have been struggling with various areas of my life. Sometimes it just gets me frantic, on the inside. Hidden. Although I can't determine which area has been bothering me the most. I think a lot about my current place of employment and my pending graduation. I think about how I am not in a position to fully take care of myself, which drives me crazy. It is partly to do with money, it is more to do with feeling lost at times. As is, where the hell am I going? (this is a future journal prompt)

So I work on making things better (through education, networking with organizations, etc) yet all that seems so far away, although it is not far away at all. I am accustomed to doing everything, taking control of my life and systematically doing things to make the changes that I seek. I've lived on my own since I was 19. I initially started off living with a boyfriend. I learned a lot during that time. No regrets. I had some roommates on and off, but found it easier to just pay the bills on my own rather than wonder if they would be able to take care of their share of the responsibilities. Overall, I have been taking care of myself since I was 9. Father out of the picture, sister who, 8 years older, ran away by the age of 16, Mother who worked all the time; three jobs to support us. I saw her on Mondays. I got myself off to school and came home to an empty house. Made my dinner, hated it when my friends could not come out to play. I thought it was entirely normal to do the things I did at such a young age. I stayed out of trouble although I knew just where to find it. However, I did not want to put my mother through the turmoil that my sister did, so I chose to be the "good daughter". Funny, how that bites me in the ass now, in regards to the relationship between my sister and I.

Anyhow, I have done alright for myself. As I have mentioned in other posts, I do not write the things that I do to complain. They are reminders of what I have done, what I have accomplished, what I need to do to be a better person and to help give me direction. And I know that people are in all states of turmoil and that I have fared pretty damn well. No, not complaining. It is when I am feeling lost that I realize I must look to see where I have been in order to figure out where I am going. I plug away, trying to make good choices. I simply do the things that I like to do and I work towards being able to continue to have that freedom to choose what I want out of life. However, I am not as strong as I appear to be. I know this and this is no revelation. Are any of us?

Yet I am capable, intelligent, loyal and am tenacious and driven towards the things, people and situations I care about. Indeed.

What has tweaked my perception is how to handle this seemingly perpetual struggle. I make mistakes, I do and say stupid stuff and sometimes I do not say anything because I am stuck in my head. I am dealing with some of my struggles by letting some of it go, or rather, let it work itself out as it may. Other areas, I can make a decision as to how I want to actively tackle the issue. I haven't an answer, but something has made me feel much better. Things aren't necessarily better, but how I handle them, how I feel them and how I look at them, are somehow better.

The gnawing feeling is not there.

And so, this conversation with my friends prompted me to take a closer look at all those things, of which I am sure to continue to write about.

Good night and take care,
Carey