not even neccessarily when i get my monthly dues, but i always have a few days out of the month, where i feel like a psycho overemotional person. dont think ive cried since ive been here, so maybe thats why. and for those of you who dont know me, thats a record...

my brother just found out that his gf is a cheating whore. it breaks my heart for him. i know EXACTLY what he is going though, and unfortunately, a broken heart is the worst pain out there. id seriously rahter break my arm. it just makes you feel so alone and helpless, and empty. i know he'll get it it, we all have, and do.

it just sucks that the only thing i can tell him is that, it really takes time. time really does heal all wounds. life is funny like that. its funny that i can look back at when i had a broken heart and laugh at myself and all of the ridiculous things i said and did, because i really just thought my heart would stop beating.

you want to sleep and you cant, because you are too afraid to close your eyes and dream of that person. you want to eat, but you can barely force a bite down your throat. it feels good to be drunk or high, but you just feel worse the next day.

poor guy. the one thing i will say though, is that it is a HUGE life lesson, having your heart crushed. you learn to not push so much emphasis on someone else making you happy, and learn to be dependant on yourself. you learn to be ok being alone, and spending lots of time alone. learning more about who you are can only make you more ready for what life brings forth, especially in new relationships.

i just hope he doesnt make a huge mistake and take her back. once a cheater, always a cheater, and he would never be able to fully trust her again. and no matter how she feels now, she will eventually regret it, and probably always wsh she had done things differently, unless she is a completely heartless person, which i doubt she is, because most people arent.

its just so strange looking at this sitaution from outside, when i was in a similar one myself. i definitely feel like ive grown, and forgiven and all that, but most importantly, ive moved on. im really proud of myself. i finally feel like im working really hard towards a goal that is completely my own, and i have any clue what the future holds, but i feel like i am ready for it!

my sister comes next week, and it should be a good time! hopefully i can provide some fun for her, and maybe take her out for dinner, or something nice, even though she will onyl want to lounge by the pool. i do actually know some cool places here, thanx to the fact that i have actually made a few friends! woot!

i kinda feel like ive been a really selfish person lately. i havent been thinking of others enough, and doing the things for others that i want to do. i need to work on that. i need to see my grandma more, and be a better daughter to my mom, and better friend to my friends. there are only so many hours in the day, and its not enough damnit!

school starts next tuesday i think, and im getting nervous. the financial aid people are pissing me off, and so is the whole registration process. i think i may have to just show up in some classes and beg the porfessor to let me in, because half the classes i need are closed. grrrr. the way they do thing here in AZ can sometimes be a littel to lax/ backwards for me. the oldsters set the pace for this resort style life.

im done talking. going to go to work now.

sometimes your heart just breaks for other people. and you just wish that it was you going through it instead of them- because you worry that they wont be strong enough.

a hug would be great right now.

i think im going to cry and then go to bed.

first arizona tears. at least i held out for almost two months.

in better news, i had the most mazing drink of my night last night, which was this delicious grape vodka soda-y combo, complete with fog rising out of it, and a glow stick inside, and it bubbled all crazy. how the fuck did they make that shit????