that i could be so stressed that i am making myself sick????


seriously, i have no clue what i could be allergic to.


for the past day two days. my body is attacking me. not just hives but a fever, and upset stomach.

and body aches. it was all i could do to get out of bed this morning.

and i went to bed before 9 last night after spending only two hours awake since 10 am.

i cant call into work anymore and i cant miss class. so i am just going to push through but this really sucks.


what also sucks is having e:hodown nowhere in sight or any friends really. anyone who really gets me.

and although i live with my mom, i never see her, since mon night i've seen her for five minutes this morning. and she will be gone all weekend.

i swear if i wasn't allergic, to everything, including myself i'd go get a dog...

i am now going to do homework and will the hives and fever away!

right before my grandma died, i had an awful case of hives. i took everything from steroids to benadryl, and even soaked in oatmeal baths.

now they are back an even worse than the last time. i am covered from head to toe, and lucky me, even on my face. i called into work this morning and then felt guilty about it. not for long, because since about 11am i have also been running a fever.

i have to go to school tomorrow, and i am just praying that they go away because i really don't think being on campus for 6 hours is going to be fun at all. i may have to find a mask to wear or something, or a berka.

the other case of hives ended up being a severe reaction to stress, and i have a feeling that's what this is. i don't really want to spend a week waiting for them to go away. i think i am going to take a xanax tonight, and hopefully they can go away before i wake up.

make the itching stop!!!!!!!!!!

to start i really like, target, pronounced as if it were a french store. i think if i had to choose only one place to shop- i could really get by there. plus it is one of the only places to shop in fountain hills.

that said, i went today with e:hodown. i was allowed to make some purchases. among those was a sticker collection that pretty much sums up me. she pointed it out, and it went into the basket of fun. not really sure what i will ever do with it, but i love it.

*also note, that it was on clearance, which also something i not only like, but love.

i am thinking of some buffalo commercial jingle where they sing, "and never pay full price again", and i think that could be a motto for my life. i wish college courses could come at a discount...

i also wish that my financial aid wasn't completely effd up right now, all of my money has been sucked up by the school, and one of my loans went into default, because my status is showing as withdrawn. one of my friends says she had the same issue before and it was easy to deal with, but they couldn't have notified me sooner???? my faith in computers is failing me, as i'm sure this is some sort of computer glitch...

i must remind myself now that it will al be ok and throwing a giant tantrum will not solve the issue, waking up at 6am on tues will. also, i am so glad i live here and not in louisiana where there is a mandatory evacuation right now.

i have a family that loves and cares for me, and i have glittery stickers. and i get to be the dd and go to some irsh pub to watch a irish rock band play crappy music... that should be interesting.

anyway, here are the stickers that perked up my day.

i love you! and wish i could be there to get cracktivated with you! you are such an important part of my life and an amazing friend!

i have now added a new category to my blogs.


deafness.


sometimes i forget about it, because i deal with it everyday. but i came home from school today just wanting to cry.

when you can't hear 40% of what happens in class, or anything your classmates say, it is so hard.

my one professors speak in an almost mumbly whisper, and when i look at her smiling face, i want to punch her. i also would like tp punch the rest of my classmates.

the class is children's lit, and how the hell is this class gonna work if no one speaks up???? you'd think that people who are going to be teachers would have great speaking voices, or at least be aware of the need to speak loudly and clearly.... nope.

i have had to drop many classes before because of this very issue, and i am considering just standing up at the beginning of every classes and letting everyone know that i am pretty much half deaf, and they need to speak up.

this really doesn't work either, the volume goes up and then people forget and start mumbling again.

maybe this is why i hate group activities, or presentations.

if i could make one wish for my life, it would be to have better hearing, all of you who have it, im sure take it for granted.

it makes my life so hard sometimes, and it doesn't help that everyone makes a joke of it. it can be funny, but at times like now, it makes me sad.

what will i do when i go completely deaf???? i really think it is going to happen one day.

i need hearing aides, but they cost about 6,000 for the good ones, and i lost my old ones which sucked anyway. health insurance considers cosmetic, and doesn't cover the cost.

then i worry about my kids, will they all be deaf. i seriously don't wish it on anyone.

i am also dumb because i am so embarrassed by my hearing loss, that i don't tell people. and then they think i am ditzy(which i am, but not that much) or just a giant bitch. when i do tell people, it doesn't make any difference because they think it is fun to make jokes and "test" my hearing by repeatedly whispering my name at different volumes.

it's getting to the point where i don't even want to try to bother having a conversation a lot of the time, because i know i will constantly be asking people to repeat themselves, and they get frustrated and just end up saying "nevermind".

my ears also constantly ring, which is called tinnitus, and i try my hardest to not hear it, but sometimes it gets so loud, it is hard to hear anything else. the tinnitus gets worse every year with my hearing. however, even if i was completely deaf, i would still hear the ringing, as it has nothing to do with actual hearing. people have had their hearing removed, and still heard the ringing and it made them so crazy that they eventually committed suicide.

i am not thinking of killing myself or anything like that, but sometimes it is a lot to handle having a disability that is considered too mild to get any sort of help; when it affects my life in pretty much every way.

i know this was a big huge vent, but i don't complain about my hearing loss very much or even tell many people about it, and it feels better to just get it out.

:(