when I get a good job that I love and that pays decent, I am NEVER going to leave.

I have never felt so useless and used at the same time. This company has sucked me dry- of everything that I love...all of my plans, my budget, my happiness, my education, my worth.

It is physically painful to come into work on a daily basis. But where am I going to go? This is the worst economy to be searching for a job, more or less in BUFFALO!


I just need to get out of here for a few days- trip to see sarah in a few weeks is just what i need. days of lipgloss, sun, pool, tanning, and sweet NOTHING! with one of the people who I value most. Definitely looking forward to that.

Things will turn up soon. I hope. I am not too sure how much longer I can continue on this path of trying my hardest and getting nowhere.

after reading my last few posts, I realized that I didn't fill anyone into what really happened:

a day before my long awaited, highly needed trip to Paris I had to cancel my plans- losing the worth of my tickets...because! My company forced me to take a 40% pay cut in order to keep my job. Kinda. It's a long story, but that is what it comes down to. So...that changed EVERYTHING because now not only did I have this trip on the line, but now I had to worry about how I was going to pay my bills- rent, car, insurance, phone, cable, internet, lipgloss habit, vet bills, dr bills, prescriptions, etc. I am virtually making no money, and I have 2 bachelors degrees and a masters degree.

So, it was a tough decision, and many people told me to just go, but how was I going to be able to enjoy myself when I have this hanging over my head, and knowing that I would have to come home to not being able to pay my bills to sustain my lifestyle (which isn't even like I spend a lot of money- I am usually very responsible).

So...I was so happy when I got a call back from children's hospital from an string of interviews I had in November of 2008. They called me and told me that the woman they hired didn't work out and they wanted to know if I was still interested. It was pretty much my dream job. So of course I was. So, I went in for another string of interviews...and 3 weeks ago they called and wanted to meet with me. I thought for sure they were going to offer me the job- instead, they told me that the reason they didn't hire me the first time around was because I was FAT. seriously? I am not FAT! AT ALL. I have a great body.

But anyway, so now, i am still waiting. I think I might sue them if they don't hire me. This makes me sick.

I have just been so defeated recently. i try to keep my head up, and I keep thinking things will turn around, but they don't. I know that many people are in the same boat though, but I don't get comfort in that- at all.

Anyway, I am sick of fighting. When are things going to just work? I have been fighting all my life. I don't want to anymore!!!

I have to say, regardless of how crappy things are, when weather is like this, you can't help but be happy and smiley. I want to go to Mississippi Mudds for an ice cream cone tonight. Best ever!!!

So, I consulted an attorney about my last post- basically, they are 'perceiving' a disability, and that's really the only legal clout I have... and it's not really a strong case. There are a ton of laws against age, gender, race, etc...but weight is a strange case. I don't think I am goign to persue it, but I am going to file a serious complaint with the HR department.

Anyway, I know I am not fat. Of course, I could lose 10 lbs and be awesome, but I don't really feel like it, so fuck them. Seriously. I am awesome and if they don't want an awesome researcher who will bust her ass for a cause that I care for, then I will just continue my search... everything happens for a reason. But what concerns me is that even AFTER they first ruled me out, they called me again. Why? If they didn't think I was a good fit. I just don't get any of this. WHATEVS.

On a side note. I love Radiohead so much. I am at work, and I have my radiohead playlist on, and nothing really beats them. Nothing comes close. They are so fucking unbelievable it makes me sick sometimes.

Speaking of being fat, I just ate mighty taco and I feel like hell. I shouldn't have eaten that. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Anyone have awesome holiday weekend plans? its forcasting beautiful!

so, yesterday I had to sign a 'contract' for a lay off plan. My proposed last day here is July 17th. I kinda had a nervous breakdown last night. I have no idea what I am going to do...

but thankfully my mom is amazing, and after I lost my shit and calmed down a tad bit, I took a walk with the dogs and my mom in the rain... it was a good walk. I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that I am getting laid off, I don't have anything lined up despite how I am looking, following up and applying every single day. To be honest, it's maybe the best thing for me- I am not very stable recently, partly due to working in such a horrendous work environment with very unhealthy people... I may have to collect unemployment, work a part time job, and go back to school yet again, but so be it.

I don't know. I definitely wish I could catch a break. But I keep trying to tell myself that it isn't me- it's just bad timing, for sure. A few months off to figure my life out is kind of a nice idea, but getting laid off is so incredibly scary.

Hold on tight- it's going to be a rough ride.