Sometimes you do things, that at the time you think are harmless, but after the fact realize it was the dumbest thing ever and wish you had never done them- especially because you hurt another person/people's feelings.

People make mistakes. But if the mistakes aren't catastrophic, sometimes they are forgivable.

So what do you do when you make a mistake, not a HUGE mistake, but one that hurt someone, and you have apologized up and down and have tried to make it up to them, but it just isn't getting you anywhere except going around in circles over this stupid stupid mistake?

Do you just take a step back and let the person you hurt decide when they are ready to forgive, knowing that they may never forgive and you may live with the fact that you made a minor mistake? Or do you get mad at the person for just not being able to forgive you for something so stupid and walk away anyway because you know it's a lost cause? Or do you continue to apologize up and down, knowing that it isn't going to get you anywhere and just be a slave to the fact that you fucked up? But a very minor fuck up....

I am just not sure what to do. I have tried to fix things.

Not to mention, I have forgiven so many minor things, which in this person's mind may not add up to what they perceive to be my 'huge' mistake.

Trust is a hard thing to establish. One minor mess up can wipe it all clean, and forever put you on a track of no trust, which isn't good for any type of friendship.

I am sorry. I can't say it enough.

I am so fucking spent. Thank god it's friday. I need a vacation badly.

I am going to the chiropractor. It's definitely needed.

Have a good weekend e:peeps

J

So, for some reason I haven't been sleeping too well recently, and it only makes for vivid crazy dreams. I think I need to buy a dream dictionary...

For instance, last night I had a dream that I bought these undies at target, got them home and realized they were hideous, and then tried to shrink them and make them cute, but they were just ugly. I think I am just stressed about the undies situation. I am weird about underwear because I have a full bottom and always have... I need a full coverage bottom that doesn't cut my cheeks in half. So I used to love the Victorias secret cotton bikinis- they were the only underwear I would ever wear. Well, they decided it would be a great idea to redesign them, and now I hate them- they suck. And I have bought like 15 pairs and I just don't like them. Now what? I can't seem to find underwear that are comfortable and pretty. WTF. So now I am dreaming about the dilemma.

I have had a bunch of crazy dreams lately, but of course I can't recall them as of now. Boooooooooooooo.

I curled my hair today. It makes me happy when my hair is pretty.

And I have a night off tonight from work! My boss just emailed me saying that I didn't have to work tonight because I haven't had a night off in a while and she has extra staff. Wonderful! What am I going to do with my free time this evening? Hang out with the pups and the man probably!

So, life goes on....and that is where I am. Things are settling down, thank god. Morgan and I worked things out, I realized that a lot of our problems were created by stupid things that we both do not realizing how it will impact the other. Things are going well between us, which is a relief.

As far as the Danny thing goes, I am still so shocked, so hurt, so sad. It's so hard to comprehend such a huge loss. It's unreal that he is dead. But I take much comfort in knowing that he lived, he lived to fullest extent- and his 26 years on earth were filled with tons of accomplishments, ups and downs, and he did what he wanted, which is a great lesson to be learned. He was a good person who was trying to give back and make his life worth something- I think it is almost beautiful to think about his life, as sad as it is.

What else? My life is so boring, that is why I dont' write on a consistent basis. The job is great. Can't complain. I am so lucky to have found it. It's just awesome. My dogs are fabulous. They are just the coolest little creaters ever. I am lucky to have them too.

I have been a shopaholic the last few weeks. Christmas time is coming, and I love christmas shopping! And of course a few tubes of lipgloss for me here and there never hurt anyone. Of course.

So, my clarisonic has transformed my skin. seriously. I know it's an investment, but if you have any skin problems, this thing is amazing. I definitely recommend it.

Other than the stupid check engine light on in my car (yet again- thought it was fixed, now it's on again), life is good. Living at home, come home to good home cooked meals, have a good man, good family, cute car, nice hair, great job, good friends- I have a lot to be thankful for.

Now if only I could get warm. It's that time of year where I just can't stay warm. I want to be cuddled up on the couch with my babies in my sweats and watching tv. I think that is in store for tonight, after my doctors appointment.

Oh. One more thing I should report. I have severe baby fever. It's awful. I want a baby, like now. Of course, it's not going to happen any time soon, but I want to be a mom so bad. My ob/gyn (the new one I went to) walked in a started talking about how I need to start working on babies because I am at the prime age to produce healthy babies. I must get started!!! ha! Just kidding. But seriously, I want a little me or a little boy. someday.... I will be a good mommy.

So just in case I start talking about something baby-esque, you will understand this baby kick I am on.

I guess that's what happens when life is good. You get bored and want babies. Oh boy.

http://www.syracuse.com/news/index.ssf/2009/10/syracuse_man_struck_killed_in.html

So, follow up from my last post, of course he came crawling, and of course I gave him a shot....saturday was on of my childhood best friends, shauna, wedding...and shauna happens to be the sister of my first boyfriend, Ian, who I dated for 7 years...and who has a beautiful girlfriend now. So I told morgan months ago how important it was I didn't go to this wedding alone...I gave him ample opportunity to back out with enough time to find someone else to go....in fact, I had 3 other potential dates ready to go.... but I decide I want Morgan to go really bad since we were working things out, and of course he waits till an hour before the wedding to tell me he isn't going- by email. We were fine (cuddling, being cute, we even went wedding outfit shopping for each other) up until saturday morning. no call, no show, just an email. Didn't hear from him at all until this morning, but at this point there is a whole other issue way more intense than that going on....

So, a few of you may recall I lived in Vegas for a few years with my ex boyfriend of many years, Daniel. We had met my freshmen year of college in Plattsburgh, fell in love, moved in together, adopted 3 puppies together, moved to vegas together, and went shopping on a weekly if not bi-daily basis together....we were tight buds among many other titles....but When we left vegas, I wanted to go home to Buffalo, but he wanted big things in NYC, so we decided to call it quits and maybe at some point and time we would find our way back to each other... well, he was killed in a car accident saturday night in poughkeepsie- he was walking across the road to get to a corner store and got ran over by an old lady and he died on impact.

I am devastated. Thankfully we had stayed in touch, and just this week spoke about how we missed each other and wanted to see each other soon....it just sucks so bad...obviously you try not to think about the what if's and the should have's, but I can't help but replay everything between he and I through my mind over and over. I am just so sad I can't even think about anything else... I miss him so much.

So this week is the wake and the funeral...I don't know what I am going to do when I see him laying in that casket. seriously. I might lose my shit. But once it's over I will be relieved, and will be able to cope some how and learn to be able to accept this crap.

His family has been in tight contact with me, which I am so thankful for, and they have been nothing but supportive.

shit man, how does this happen?

you always hear about these things on the news, but its never someone you know or love or were going to marry.