Correspondence with [former staffer] has piqued my interest in the Web Applications Developer position listed on Buffalo State's Human Resources website. I have spent more waking hours of my life developing, maintaining, and updating high-volume and high-readership custom document production and content management systems than I am proud to admit . . .

- - -

Last night we went to Condrell's for improbably enormous sundaes. I decided that if I ever ran my own soda shop, there would be an inscrutable item on the menu labeled:

UNSPEAKABLE ICE CREAM CATASTROPHE . . . . . . . . . . $9.50

It would probably be in small letters jammed in between two sections somewhere, where nobody would find it. And though one must not speak of the Unspeakable Ice Cream Catastrophe, we came up with some sugar-fueled ideas for what would happen when someone ordered it.

The Unspeakable Ice Cream Catastrophe:
[list]
would require a waiver
would require proof of age
would be on the news
would drip out of the ductwork in the ceiling
would come flying at your head from the kitchen
would be a Friendly's cone-head with a butter knife through it
would be different every time
would be served on a Reuben
would be accompanied by shrieks and loud banging from the kitchen
would not necessarily taste awful
would be topped with jagermeister
would be served in a totalled Tonka truck
would involve flaming marshmallows
would somehow degenerate while you were eating it
would look like any other sundae until the ninjas came rappelling in through the window
would somehow pass health inspection
would have a tire track through it
would be like dinner theater
would involve pop rocks
would require goggles and a poncho
would require counseling
[/list]

- Z

(e:dragonlady7) and I missed the (e:mike) & (e:terry) partysplosion this weekend because we took our wheels to Toronto instead [cf: ]. We had a wonderful time, and perhaps I will write about it in more detail later [but, more likely, I will forget].

This afternoon, we got eight more wheels each and tooled around the neighborhood a little [cf: ]. I am less likely to write about them later; suffice it to say that this is a very nice pair of roller skates, and I plan to pick up my old habit of roller skating around the park again [cf: ].

This weekend I got an email from a former editorial assistant informing me that Buffalo State College is seeking a Web Applications Developer . On the one hand, I like doing what I'm doing now - people programming - and, while I'm not exactly upwardly mobile, my department has no choice but to grow.

But when you get a call from a photographer who has not appeared in your publication since longer than you've been working there and whose skills at annoyance and coercion are second only to her skill at photography, blaming a recently-departed coworker for fucking her over, quote and unquote, and that she will have to miss fashion week because she can no longer fool the appropriate authorities into believing that someone publishes her photos [which are actually very good an publishable if only she could find a periodical that actually, say, has a fashion section] - and all this can be avoided if I could sift through somewhere around 4000 of her photos from the last two seasons and put them on our website within the next couple weeks [oh and by the way she just lost her baby and the world hates her] - well, it kinda makes me think that maybe doubling my salary and getting benefits for a cushy and less dramatic government job might not be as bad an idea as it may sound.

Any other disgruntled Web developers want in on this? We can show up for our interviews at the same time and freak out HR by talking trash at each other in the waiting room. We could make the interviewer uncomfortable by offering to 'do this Thunderdome-style.'

- Z

"100," a demented and somewhat fractured love story by the users of (e:strip), as edited by (e:zobar)

I personally like the opposite sex (on a good day, that is). (e:southernyankee,100) What does this say about me? (e:hodown,100) Her nickname is Barbie because she's tall and blond and wears lots of makeup. (e:jenks,100) I picked up the new Artvoice this morning; (e:uncutsaniflush,100) there are lots of pictures of her. Very nice pictures, I must admit. (e:metalpeter,100)

If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang up and send a letter. (e:mrmike,100) Finally broke down, couldn't take it no more. (e:shawnr,100) I felt like I had a duty to share this information with everyone; (e:lisa,100) some of you might get a kick out of this: (e:joshua,100)
"ur hot
ur pretty
ur sexy
ur adorable
ur sweet
ur a sexy angel in heaven
ur a beautiful centerfold
ur as pretty as a rose (e:theecarey,100)
You're quite the maid of the mist. (e:ajay,100)
I hope you have a great one. (e:mike,100)
Love to you." (e:terry,100)

I just did our grocery shopping tonight. (e:kara,100) There she was! (e:springfaerie,100) Lucky I brought my camera along! (e:ladycroft,100) I can't believe how many pictures I took. (e:maureen,100) She was always screaming at me (e:leetee,100) - no one would believe me that these accidents are not my fault. (e:imk2,100)

I am saving her head. (e:libertad,100) Can we fix this problem? (e:lilho,100)

- Z

_______________
Appropriately demented journal music: Talking Heads, 'Psycho Killer' (Live), from 'Stop Making Sense.' gather:0188079001156010872

Item: when I was at school I took a class with a professor who was very instrumental in the VRML (WIKIPEDIA - VRML) specification. One of his big proof-of-concept projects was called vrmLab which was intended to demonstrate the extent of the functionality of VRML. It's basically a fictional 3D space where you can set up a homestead, interact with it and other peoples' digs, and, through an insane amount of Javascript and server-side scripting, interact with the other people on the site at the same time. The idea was cool but sadly, VRML tanked, and I don't expect xVRML (WIKIPEDIA - XVRML) to do much better.

Item: I recently discovered that, as a byproduct of a Homeland Security project, USGS is making available extremely high resolution [1px=1ft] uncompressed aerial photography of the 133 most populated urban areas in the United States at what I understand to be very low prices. The Census Bureau already makes available location data about all the streets in a city through their TIGER/Line program for free. The NWS has begun offering geocoded satellite data with 2min resolution.

-Where is (e:zobar) going with this-- you say.

A couple weekends ago I smoked a J and hit Google Earth and it blew my mind. All Over The Wall. [Which happened to be on the hifi at the time.] I thought it would be so freaky to set up a house WHERE YOUR HOUSE IS*. And you could put your car where your car is, or drive it down the streets to hang out at your friend's house. And if you looked up in the sky, you could see the actual clouds that were actually there at that moment. Because sometimes it sucks outside. My car would be the Monopoly shoe. Dude.

- Z

_______________

• And if you looked at the computer in your virtual house, you'd see Google Earth with your house where your house is.

No really, WTF??!



- Z

One of the local scooterists has a Stella GB150 with a license plate that says 'GOT MY'. I understand that custom motorcycle plates only have six letters, but, like, what does that even mean? So I asked her and she was all, I don't really know - it's kind of like fahrvergnugen. OK!

The point being that I just got my back from the shop, and I sort of dig where she's at. Life is more fun on two wheels.

EDITED TO ADD:
This link is for (e:dragonlady7) - it's the lightest trailer on the market, and it also happens to be one of the tallest.

- Z

_______________
Appendix for gearheads:
What happened was: the engine was idling really low, to the point where it would stall out at traffic lights. This was very bad. They told me to turn up the idle screw. So I did, except then it would idle very high before idling very low and stalling out. Then I stopped at a light, pulled in the clutch and eased off the accelerator. The bike stopped, but the engine ... kept going. This was when I freaked out. I held down the kill switch, and the engine ... kept going. This was when I freaked out harder. After several seconds, the engine did die, I pushed it into a school parking lot, hitched a ride home, and called the shop. So when I picked it up today, I said well, what was the problem? And the mechanic said well, it looks like your gasket was homemade out of cardboard and it eventually gave way.

...and he says: 'Make me one with everything.'

[badum-ching!]

So the vendor gives him the hot dog and he hands over a $20 bill. The vendor takes the money, and goes about his business. The Buddhist says, 'hey, what about my change?'

And the vendor goes: 'Change must come from within.'

[badum-dum-ching!]

We went to Old Man River for dinner, which got me thinking: every place you go, they make hot dogs different. Buffalo's got the 'Texas Hot,' which involves weird red shit if it's grilled or weird brown shit if it's griddled. Rochester's got the White Hot and the Garbage Plate. New Yorkers put sauerkraut and mushy degenerate onions on their all-beef dogs. Chicago hot dogs come from another planet entirely (WIKIPEDIA - Chicago-style hot dog).

Thus did I receive my Calling: I will quit my job, buy an RV, and tour America, sampling everyone's hot dogs along the way. I will write a book about hot dogs, with colorful photographs and unusual stories, and also there will be some recipes. I will become a veritable professor of hot dography. And then...

Well, by then I will probably be so sick of hot dogs that I will never eat another in my entire life.

- Z

It's Porn Saturday! This is up there for one of the most ridiculous spams I've ever received. Keep in mind that every single one of these ads is flashing and, in some cases, undulating:



This one's my favorite. Truth in advertising?



- Z


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Thing #1: The super-ghetto school-bus-conversion ice cream trucks seem to be improving, technologically. The one I saw yesterday on Delaware Ave had a drum track to its little tune, and a number of weird sound effects. It went: 'It's a small world after all [boioioing!] It's a small world after all [whizzz!]' all the way down the street. It sounded extra demented as it left and the doppler effect detuned it to a weird modal industrio-prog-rock thing.

Thing #2: One of my coworkers in the back office finally said 'enough of this shit, I can't work in this hot office,' and moved his computer up to the conference table. As he was working there this afternoon, suddenly a stream of water started pouring out of the ceiling and onto his head. Apparently, the central air conditioning unit that is supposed to cool the front office froze solid, shut off, and when the ice block it had created around itself started melting in the summer heat, it drained directly onto my coworker's chrome-dome.

Thing #3: We made our first formal announcement for our newest popularity contest this afternoon at about 12:30pm; just this afternoon we got two very good entries already. One of the entries was a decent but fairly average metal band; the other was a naked disco queer. There is no contest. If I could cancel the contest and declare a winner, it would totally be the naked disco queer, who says his shows are 'fabulous and horrible at the same time - like a trainwreck with box cars full of glitter.' He will be playing a show at a nudist beach in Florida in November. In his press photo, he is wearing nothing but a pair of tighty-whities and daring you to make fun of him so he can beat your ass. One of the sample songs he submitted is entitled 'Where in the Hell is North Tonawanda?' which, by the way, is my new journal music. This man is a rock star, in the purest sense of the word.

- Z

_______________
Kendall, 'Where In the Hell is North Tonawanda?' gather:0353400001154572215

No subject, no signature:

Where can I get Dr. Klein's Bagel Bars in Grand Rapids , MI ??

So I typed "Dr. Klein's Bagel Bars" into Google with unexpected results. So I typed "Bagels near Grand Rapids, MI" into Google Maps and replied:

Have you tried the Bagel Beanery out in Wyoming on Clyde Park Ave near the park?

- Z

_______________
New journal music: "Keep It Hot for Daddy" by Soul Position. gather:0266278001153925680