I was going through files on my very old desktop computer when I happened upon a small selection of e-mail that I apparently saved many years ago. I was surprised to find these, as when I did save an email, it was to the "filing cabinet" of AOL, uh, 4.0? haha.

So almost eight years ago these emails were written back and forth between myself and then "boy friend", now special friend of mine, whom I am still in occasional contact with. I wish I had more than what I do, if only for the time frame in which all this occured and that he and I have always had a spectacular rapport--he now married with kid, etc. We simply talked about everything. Although it was deep and multidimensional, it still had that "when I grow up" quality to it.

I havent read through all of them yet, even though I only have a few. It will be interesting to see where I was at in my thinking and observations of life, eight years ago. In the past couple of days, I have pondered the changes that have occured within me not only in the past few years (which have been significant) but those over my lifetime. How easily my life could have taken a few different directions (not for better) and I contemplate which points in my life were the catalysts for change (for the better).

I found a few other random emails and word documents written in a journal entry type fashion. I am always reticent to read old writings. Yet my curiosity of where I have been usually takes over- in which I read, ruminate then eventually write some more.

On that note, I will end this post. I leave you with a.. "poem"? My friend shared it with me so many years ago. At the time, I thought it was sweet, yet it didn't really mean anything to me, and didn't really get why he shared it with me. Funny that despite that, I remembered the first line of the poem over these years. It is only now that I decided to try to find the entire story. What motivated me was that I saw reference to it in one of the emails; and out of curiouslty, I looked for it.

Now I get it.

It is very simple and sappy.. but it made me teary eyed, I admit--which surprises me a bit.

And that is a reminder of the changes within, over time.




ROSES FOR MY VALENTINE

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.

The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."
"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."
"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."

She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...

"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."
"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

-Author Unknown

simple entry.. thoughts before bed:

11pm. It is freaky warm outside.

I get out of class and the temp is much warmer than when I went in.

I drive through the light rain.

I go down Lewiston Hill and I watch the lightning. [[So cool.The hill has an amazing view. It overlooks many towns in US and Canada along with the Niagara River,Lake Ontario, Toronto.. There is a house that has all of this as their view from the backyard. I would immensely enjoy (and love) the opportunity to go in their house some evening.. just to look at the view.]]

There is no place to stop on the hill..all I can do is catch a glimpse on my descent.

I pull in the driveway. I decide to check the mail box. I look up at the sky and see clouds framing the bright waning moon.

On the ground.. wet grass. Nothing that resembles winter.

Memories of bonfires.. and thoughts of adventures yet to come.

The air smells good. It is so warm. I want to go for a walk around town, but I only walk back up the driveway and go inside.

Inside, the lingering smell of murphys oil soap, from hardwood floors washed two nights ago.

I hear the wind picking up as I get ready for bed.

Sweet dreams :)

I was looking through my picture files. I found one that I haven't viewed in along time. It is a file of kitten pictures from a few years ago.

Anyway, I realize this: I am a big animal dork.

I only have kitties at this moment, so I am a big cat dork. I have many pictures.
When I put together a fresh water fish tank, I will take pictures of them as well (hopefully soon, I just need a stand), and be a fish dork.
And one day, I hope to be a dog dork.

I am a sappy sucker for cute and fuzzy things.

Prepare to vomit, cute pictures ahead..

Baby Joey and Kayla. I found them under my porch the day I moved into a ghetto-esque apartment. My mom scooped up the five kittens and brought them home with her to raise them until they were big enough to be adopted. I had no intention of taking any of the kittens. But I fell in love with Joe. On the evening I was to take him home, his little sister, Kayla, managed to come home with me as well. It was the coolest thing to raise a couple of kittens. It brought a bright spot to an otherwise really dark depressing period of my life.




My beloved turtle. Everyone loves The Turtle. Even as big fat cats, they still attempt to curl up on my turtle. We fight over him..




Joee, Marlo, Kayla ((e:pyrcedgrrl) adopted Marlo, the other black and white kitten--she has the straight white streak up her face).









fuzzy chunky butts











______________________________________________

My class was cancelled tonight. I was in an after-work meeting when the call came in on my cell phone. As the class rep, the college contacted me directly. I then proceeded to contact my classmates with the good news. I wasn't sure if I wanted to risk the icy drive.. it is such a long drive home from class...so this worked out very well.

I went outside to take pictures of the ice, but oddly, there isn't any. Where did it go? :)

Anyway, my brain thinks it is friday, as I am rarely home before 10pm on a Thursday night. It is past my bedtime and I must try to get some sleep.
(e:pyrcedgrrl) is making me do some christmas shopping Friday evening. Is she insane? No, I am for not starting it yet..

Good night.. be warm and safe..
Carey

The sunset was absolutely fucking amazing. Gorgeous swirls of orange, pink, purple and turquoise.

The days last light enhanced the reflection of Toronto. A pale pink glimmered off the buildings.

As the sky turned dark, the lights along the skyline twinkled.

No camera to capture this perfection.

________________________________________________________
I have been XC skiing approximately an hour a day. The trails I take overlook lake Ontario. The time I go allows me to catch the sunset. I quickly build warmth which sustains through my chilly adventure. I am lost in my thoughts while appreciating the sight, smell and sounds of nature in Youngstown. No one else is around, just the waves crashing to the shore.

When my mind is squirreling with thoughts, I write.
When I go through my "insomnia manic" phase, I write.

When both occur at once, I write. A LOT.

Because I don't talk to anyone. But I am learning..
(fondly thinking of a short conversation from earlier today...)

(I just finished a 2,000 word entry.-debating on posting it, not sure yet, which is about a dream- The relationship entry was 3,000)

Thanks for reading, listening (?) e-strip...


So, (e:paul), how can I help ya out with that thesis? :)