If (e:ladycroft) 's post was the thesis to feeling good about the position you are in, then my post is the antithesis. I had to take a play on her post title, as this accurately summarizes the my thoughts as of late.

I read her post via cellphone while on my lunch. It made me smile to see that one of my friends is in a good spot right now. I am sooo thrilled! I am excited for you- it sounds like you are exactly where you should be. The whole universe is conspiring for you. I look forward to hearing all about it one day soon! YAY!! :)

I take an almost perverse delight in experiencing something uncomfortable. It makes me confront the situation and the reasons behind it. There is some excitement in this process despite the dissonance, aggrivation and annoyances.

I am not unhappy. I look for everyday experiences to contribute to my sense of happiness. This has more to do with the effects on my core-being. I have to dig deep to uncover the source of my dissonance and know that there is validity to it.

My job is fine. I am good at it and I can only get better. I am part of something big. I am paid a respectable salary. It is a management position and is dynamic. I am surrounded by old friends (from old department I worked in prior to this new position). I have loads of paid time off and great benefits. And I am grateful for all of this.

So why am I not where I should be?

especially when others would give anything to be in my position?

I have put a lot of thought into this- a thought that has been building for quite some time now. However, it was using the last two weekends -- weekend #1 to quietly think it through and weekend #2 to verbally express/share my thoughts (thats not easy for me) and then to begin acting on thoughts/ shared information. This week and into the weekend- weekend #3, will be a culmunation of doing/saying things to validate those thoughts, perceptions and actions. --sorry I havent been around/available much- -but I feel something big-bigger, is in my future and I need to figure some of this stuff out NOW. and I am conscientious enough to get a really good understanding of all of what is going on.

I think out side the box, I question the status qou, I scoff at mundane details. I get bored easily. I have so much mental energy, that it is hard to restrain it. Yet in this position, it is on a tight leash. This is better suited for someone who feels comfortable operating within predetermined constaints. Parameters are set- you must operate within boundaries. No risks allowed. I was fooled into thinking I had the freedom to think. Instead, I liken it to a dog on a farm with an 'invisable fence'. You can see what is in the distance, but you aren't allowed to get to it.

Now, standardization and procedures have their place- we need some regulation and conformity, however, when I feel like I should check to see if there is a Standard Operating Procedure for wiping my ass, I know that I am very close to creative amputation.

I thought I could salvage my creativity, energy and passion into some life-work balancing activity/project-- but I found myself not able to switch gears. It is as though my mental flexibility turned rigid- only capable of thinking in the same neural pathway as set forth by the work environment.

and that scared (scares) me. Yay, I am beginning to talk past-tense. Hence my need for the multi-weekend mental sabbaticals.

It doesn't look as bad as it sounds. It is hectic, chaotic, multi dimensional and even interesting (things that I love)-- but I feel like my wings got clipped. And thats more a reflection on my personal attributes and strengths than anything. I could proffessionally grow into this job, but I would be personally stunted.

again, I am good at it, I get things done, I have areas to tweak, but soon even that will be taken care of.

Fortunately and gratefully, I have the freedom to decide that "this is not where I should be". I do not have any major responsibilities other than those that pertain to maintaining an apartment(s) and paying back student loans. I do not have outstanding credit of any kind. I do not have kids and the financial mess that comes with that, I do not have car payments or needy family/friends. Everything is cool.

I could do this job for a long as I had to. But since I don't Have to, why not take the risk to pursue something that is me. Companies need people like me-- companies also need people who aren't me. I just need to pair myself with somehtig more suitable. I like the unknown, I like trying something new, I am not afraid of failing by doing, I am afraid of failing by not doing- not trying something- by accppting the notion that, 'this is as good as it gets'.

It takes a strong person to go after what you want, to figure out what it is, and to take off in that direction especially if there is resistance. You learn to behave, think and act in a certain manner. Well, I always encourage that you unlearn. I also scoff at societal expectations. I don't label myself a non-conformist, but some of my thoughts/behaviors are in line with that. heh, I don't conform to non conformity-- but I digress.

I wouldnt put as much thought and effort into any of this if I felt that I am where I should be at. It is through all of my thought and discussions that I have come to realize that these past few months aren't a "growing pain" of learning a new job, its simply not me.

The best parts of me on this job are the parts that require decisive action, picking though the mess, inspiring others, questioning authority and rebuilding a part of the company that has been a total mess.

Abused employees have been warming up and trusting me. I do not want to leave them hanging-- they need to know that this rollercoaster ride is going somewhere great. And so, I work to empower them to have the voice and behaviors needed to go in the direction that they want that part of the company to go. Let me guide and then let go..

ofcourse I could list off all of the mundane and ridiculous elements- but I do not want to perseverate on the negative. I want to focus on the future and finding the place that I should be. Finding myself again, "in my element" and thats an awesome place to be.


so with my greatest affection, I am very pleased with (e:ladycroft) s post. Finding a part of you that fits really well somewhere is part of the excavation of life and personal contentment.


(deja vous--- been having that a lot lately.)


and so, although I am quite certain that I know that I am not where I should be..

I am quite uncertain of where I should be heading..

guess that is what weekend #4 is for?

and continued bits if thoughts, experience and advice from family-friends...

good night

Some of you know that I am renting a room/office in Buffalo. When I first moved in, I tossed it all together very quickly. I was just finsihing school, then I found myself in a new job-- and everything became unbalanced. I just needed some transition time. My room looked nice, but it hadn't been worked on since I tossed it together. I needed a few more details -- such as books and a consistent internent connection ;)
At the house warming party many peeps had mentioned doing something to separate the office area from the bed area. Seemed like a great idea and that thought planted itself into my head. So this weekend I went out to buy things that would do just that.

A ton of material and hardware (and friends) - thanks (e:pyrcedgrrl) and (e:terry) - contibuted to the change. We spent the entire evening on Saturday putting it together. When "done", I didn't like it. I mean, there was just something about it. I know that when I perseverate on something like that, I have to figure it out. It must be changes, it must be the way I want it in my head. OK, so I thought I was doing that when I began.. but in the end, I thought it looked tacky and Bordello-like. Or clown tent like-- ironic since i hate circus's and clowns, etc-- not sure what it was exactly that I didn't like, but something didn't sit well. I knew I had to figure it out or I was going to tear it down. I figured that I would give it a day and so I slept on it.

Well, the next day I didn't have to tear it down as it all fell down. ALL of it. Oh, and my mirror that I put up, haha. One by one I heard one crash after the other. I just laughed--with a few curse words mixed in there.

I took it as an opportunityt to get it the way I wanted and to engage in some creative problem solving.

I hope it is still attached. I ended up attaching material to the wall to make a bit of a wall- to separate from the office area.. but it has more of a canapy look around the bed as oppsed to the prior Bordello-circus tent look. Its cute and cozy now. YAY. A few more details and tweaks will finish it off. I still want to hang a mirror or three and add a plant- but that can wait.

haha, someone pointed out that the way my desk is set up (its a big one) looks like a reception/secretary desk. *insert all sorts of bad jokes/scenerios here*

It humored me to work on that this weekend. It was a nice change from the environment in which I work...

Every move I make is dictated by rules and regulations as put forth by the state. Not just State Ed but the sector of government that oversees developmental disabiltiies as well, actually even more so. State Ed is lenient in comparision. So a lot of my freedom to think is squelched because I have to reference it to some S.O.P. (more like, S.O.B?)When there isn't a standard operating procedure, I have to ask ask ask someone higher up, as figuring it out on my own may lead to some legal damage, etc.

bah.

I'm a risk taker, a visionary and creative, energetic and enthusiastic by nature.

This job that I have is great in that it affords me the ability to learn and network and have the time off to pursue something that I really want. I have an entreprenureal spirit-- I like to build, create, and move on to the next project.

So I dot my I's, cross my Ts and juggle a slew of details with such an air of seriousness, that I am concerned for the long term effects it could have on my spirit. (for a few weeks I couldn't even write much on here as (e:imk2) noticed). So.. long term effects.. I say this because, constraining my creativity, energy and freedom to think outside the box has been amputated, at least in the job environment. I don't dislike my job. I rather enjoy it- it certainly is a shift of gear from my last job. I just want to be able to loosen up a bit. My prankster ways are no more. Fortunately, I am getting good, I am really organized, I have great follow though, and I manage to get things done in a timely manner. There are a few thinsg here and there that slip-- or I just didn't know exist yet-- but that is all part of learning. Not that everyone I deal with remembers that, lol.

I like making decisions, working on tough problems and chipping away at huge challenges. I would just prefer more of an energetic environment and the use of all the characteristics that make me, well, me. Maybe I can influence others to have some fun- change the culture a little bit-- encourage people to "let go" and not take it all so seriously. Sure it is some major stuff we deal with-- but if it isn't going to kill you, then why let it weigh you down?

As usual, with the abiltiy to see the positive, I enjoy learning something new, to think about how what I do effects so many others and that I am indeed making major progress and have the opportunity to take on more and all sorts of high level responsibilty.

What intrigues me about this time in my life and in particular about this job, is trying to figure out a way to find balance again. Also to work through this period of dissonance to determine my future direction. Am I uncomfortable because I don't have a full grasp of everything yet-- that I am used to being the one who really knows everythng about what they are doing? (which isn't always great either, as I need to learn, be challenged, etc) Or am I uncomfortable because this particular positon isn't the best/ideal match and I have to think long and hard about my next step? hmmm.

Funny, I already know what it is-- my next step is to build a business. That mentality has been in the works for awhile now- before school ended. Being in this situation is helping me to see yet another angle of business. I think this is all good for me. As long as I keep what I really want in mind-- and go after it. It does no good to just talk about it. So I gave myself 'homework' this week in regards to looking up/researching/talking to people about some ideas. I find myself thinking about all that is related to that. Again, this all began in the summer, but it is only now that somethings have settled down that I have been finally able to return to it. Thats where my mind/heart is.

I'd rather work 16 hours a day at something I am passionate about than 8 hours at something that pays the bills (and i am grateful for that much!)-- but I am using this time to learn all that I can, network like mad, and use it as yet another stepping stone in my life.

So I have to figure out what I want to learn, what I want to take away and what I want to contribute while I am there.

damn the red tape!

Beside my original job responsibilities, I have been tossed a section of the company into my lap- that was recently taken in by my department a few weeks before I began. It needs a major overhaul and it has a lot of bad history to it.

Now its mine!! -- and I think that is the most exciting element to me so far. Its something I can get my hands into- get dirty a bit-- and have some use of my "think outside of the box" mentality. Its got a bad rep, morale is down, its a general mess and its been shuffled around for years. This is the one area that while the progmatics, protocal and such need to be adhered to-- the change element is all mine. At first I thought it was a matter of patching the weak spots-- then it was determined through analyis that it needs to be dismantled-- all the while helping those involved to transition, build buy in and increase morale-- and encourage them to be part of the process- something they may not have had before. How can I lead unless those I am leading provide me with direction? Sure I could ride in, just say, "this is how I want it"-- but I'd much rather ask, 'how do you want it?"

blahblahblah

my grammar and spelling is really bad on here- feeling half asleep, partly laying down, with Kayla prancing back and forth across my lap I am typing, rather "pecking" as I think and without really looking.

so yeh, spending time working on my bedroom/office was a pleasant creative diversion this weekend. Next weekend will be an even better diversion!

I dreampt about evil kittens and purple squirrels.

They were frolicking in the back yard of the house I grew up in. I kept picking them up and putting them down; then I determined at some point in my dream that the kittens weren't *really* evil. After scooping up a couple of them and walking through the yard, I found the purple sugar glider. They look good in purple!!

Not sure what that was all about..


Then, my dream proceeded to a little reunion with my recent college classmates. In my dream, two members had become engaged..or something.. whatever it was, they were now 'together'.

and I was envious or jealous or something that made me uncomfortable to know that they were now deeply involved.

While I was sleeping I analyzed my dream, well, I analyzed myself as though it had really happened (while in my dream)

I couldn't figure out why. I didn't want him, I have no ill feelings towards her.. I am not one to be jealous-- as anything I want I work for. And so I was confused in my dream as to why i felt this way.

And oddly, in my dream, I began to try to figure it out.

In my dream, I determined that my envy stemmed from the knowledge that these two people, as with everyone in the cohort, worked so hard together and went through so much for so long, that a bond was formed between us. For two people to get together romantically, it was with the ability to get through two years of high level stress and challenges-- not, oh you're cute, lets hook up-- be on best behavior and be deluded into liking someone/being liked. No, this was getting through some rough shit and having each others back no matter how insane it got. During this program, you could not be 'on your best behavior'- who you are comes out quickly-- and then you grow...its crazy..

And that is what made me feel envious-- that they got together in the way that I would (apparently) want to be with someone-- being able to work on stuff together, to work towards something, to get through the stressful moments and still be going strong through it all. To have a mutual undertsanding of hard work, making goals a reality, pursuiing something with passion.. and being able to share that.

Did I know this before now? maybe had an inclination.. but I don't pursue a "relationship".. I meet people and can figure out real quick what they will be to me. On a rare occasion I am truly interested..
I am much more apt to pursue a temporary "not likely candidate" source of amusement. This past year I have been trying to keep away from that. Its been hard at times.. REALLY hard.. I could toss that thinking all away..

Anyway, no wonders I have discerning tastes. Its not so much being picky as it is that I wont settle for less than what I need and what I can offer- in regards to "relationships". "Temporary amusements"-- those with "expiration dates" don't count--as not much thought goes into all that-- just a different set of standards, heh.

In the discerning tastes-- I refer to the more indepth thought process that goes into deciding if I am going to allow someone into my life. Thats a big thing.. In the meantime, just snap shots..

I enjoy life, I like working on things-- working towards things.. I reach a goal and keep going. I learned a long time ago not to sweat the small stuff-- if it isn't going to kill me or disrespect me, than I am totally laid back about the matter. However, I know that if I want soemthing, want meaning, want to feel alive and happy-- then that is all on me-- only I am accountable for that.

so thats that :)

I have been writing without concern for grammar or spelling-- not like I ever really do.. but I think i have been overcompensating as my work writing has to be perfect- specific and very clear.

here, I just run my fingers over the key board and hope for the best :)

p.s. for my own notes.. stalker dude continues to try to make contact. Three phone calls this month. 26 months later. wtf?

p.s.s you only need a SMALL amount of green curry paste when mixing it in with your jasmine rice, bean sprouts, broccoli and coconut milk. Just a little.. haha

I'm even better.

..being a good girl is sometimes a really hard thing to do.

choices and other things to ponder;

but not right now..

more Birthday celebration going on (today is the actual day)

and dishes. ha

Be well, peeps

~Carey

I had all these crazy dreams last night.. dreams within dreams. Long and drawn out and to the point that I wasnt sure if I was actually sleeping. The context and some of the details were bizarre...

and intruiging.


the kind that make me look at certain people in another way, in another light. hmmm..

but it was just a bunch of dreams...

or was it?



and with that thought:

"If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less, but to dream more, to dream all the time."


perhaps I'll see you later
Carey

all day, writing the date; feeling distaste, dissonance and flashbacks to that day. Hard to be in the present when a day in the past is still so fresh. Has it really been five years already?

9/11

This week has indeed been good and interesting. (e:theecarey,236)

My goodness, things are changing up. I like the next step, or rather, leap in my life. fascinating.

It is all unfolding in the best way possible. I am full of anticipation..

and gratitude.




8 days.


"...We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?...."

Nelson Mandela

"The power of the mind to create and recreate, to make something into a reality is amazing" (e:dimartiste,51)

exactly.

Anything is possible, if you want it bad enough.

Breathe it, smell it, taste it, feel it, try it on for size.. make it yours and it will be..

but you need to want it bad enough..

You need to know where you've been and where you want to go..

see it in your mind and heart.. close your eyes and SEE it. Use your senses.. BE it.

Make it yours.

When you want something bad enough, you understand that it is a process.. things change, direction turns, the end result may be different than what you first visualized..

or it may be exactly what you want..

either way, it is your passion, drive, intellect, and unwavering belief and confidence in yourself that will get you to where you want to go.. get you to just where you need to be.

Anything is possible...

Nothing is impossible.

drink it.

I find the idea of drinking a glass of ice cold lemonade on a hot sticky day to be a pleasant combination. Never had been much of a fan of the yellow stuff. Yet the idea of it is appealing. Add to this sitting on a comfortable chair under the shade of the canapy, and we could find ourselves having an afternoon siesta. hmmm perfect.

Instead, I was downing glasses of water while repairing and rebuilding my outdoor gazebo/canapy, which was blown over sometime in the early morning. Blown over, into the neighbors yard, twisted metal and flaps, loose bolts and flaps of material intersperrsed with dirt and colorful body parts from flower pots that toppled over as well.

I arrive home this morning shortly after 8am. oh boy, I didn't expect to see the canapy relocated and upside down. Not sure where to begin, I decide to tend to the flowers, as their exposed delicate flower bits would bake in the sun. As for the metal heap, that would have to be delayed until I had help, and a few hours of sleep.

Literally a few hours later I woke to my step dad knocking on my door. He guessed I would need help. And so we set out to fix what the tornadoous* wind took down... (check carey to english dictionary)

The whole situation was absurd to me. We were bending metal back into shape, re bolting areas that came apart and trying to accomplish something with two people that really should have had four.

I found myself laughing. Whether it was from severe lack of sleep, a carry over from last nights excitement, or just my typical response to a challenging moment, I was having fun with this situation. I just kept giggling. I was lifting a bar up over my headwith one hand, holding another bar in place (in another direction) with the other hand and kicking my shoes off so I could pick up a fallen bolt with my toes all the while maintaining balance and composure. I nearly lost it with my building laughter.

My step dad says to me, "Carey, this isn't funny"

I counter, "yes it is" *giggle*

"no. it isn't," he insists.

I continue, "It is! its absurd! .. is there anything better than rebuilding something that was just put up two weeks ago?" I ask, sardonically.

he follows up with, "glad you think this is a riot"

And then, while he is standing on the ladder, while I am doing this amazing balancing act.. the connector piece (thats holding three bars) falls, two metal bars slip to the ground and the black bolt drops to into the abyss of long dark grass..

and he finally laughs, and I laugh even more..

sweat dripping down our faces, my step dad leaves for a moment (he lives near by) and brings back two red cups full of lemonade.

We sip and we work and walk the canapy back into position.

We have it pretty much wrapped up and I work on the finishing touches -- which includes pulling out a roll of duct tape.

"Carey, you can't fix everything with duct tape"

here we go again..

"yes I can" *big smile* (i am mildly obsessed with fixing thiings with duct tape-- even when something better, more aestetically pleasing or more appropriate is available-- duct tape is it!)

I've fixed my car, I've fixed leaks, I've used it to tie things together, and I will use it to piece back together some of these snapped metal rods. And so I proceeded to do just that...

Fortunately, I have learned to use duct tape in moderation; the canapy is still in its original beige. As I have learned to use duct tape in moderation, it hasn't morphed into a giant shiny gray mummy-pod in my yard, as with other duct tape induced projects and fun. :)

My step dad is happy that it is over and I am happy to have my little hang out standing stong once again. He leaves and I turn to my peaceful surroundings..

After a few hours of cleaning up after the wind/canapy fiasco, tending to my garden (deadheading!) and chatting with visitors.. I found myself sitting in a comfortable chair, in the shade under the canapy, sipping the remainder of my lemonade and thinking about possibilities...


Hope everyone is feeling fine today

~carey

Class let out early tonight, a much welcome surprise, and a needful one. I could not concentrate at all. My mind wandered and daydreamed; only my body was in class. When the teacher wrapped it up, I was the first one out the door..

It is always nice to come home, especially two hours earlier than expected.

Before entering my apartment, I stood out in the rain. The air was still mild, the rain droplets fell softly and the scent of lilacs were in the air. I don't have to go inside yet, I thought to myself, and turned away from the front door and towards the steps that would lead me back out into the night.

I had no destination or length of walk in mind as I took off down the dark quiet street; the waxing moon covered by clouds. The only sounds were frogs, raindrops and my footsteps. Every few houses I passed a lilac bush. As the lilacs bloom, the aroma builds. I love that there is a lilac bush right outside my bedroom window. How wonderful to have the fragrance drift into my room as I sleep. As I walk, I breathe deep the scents of lilac, earth and rain. (Essence of Worm will be tomorrows olfactory delight if this rain continues.. ;) )

The village remains quiet during this evening walk. I walk briskly down the street until I reach the river. I decide to go down a hill to the Youngstown Mariners Landing. There are benches, boat docks, and yachts. Sitting on a bench, I take a moment to look at the lights reflecting off of the water. The raindrops continue to fall softly, wetting my hair and clothes, but not making me cold. Tonight, the air is warm; the light from the lamp post shows the fog over the river. It is dreamlike and peaceful. And sexy too. I just love a warm rainy night..

A few minutes later, I pull myself from my imaginative thoughts. I decide to continue on my walk with a focus on breathing and taking note of the historical homes, and entertaining memories of childhood through my teen years.

A few miles and many thoughts later, I return home. Before I wander up the steps to my front door, I stop at the lilac bush. With nose to the bloom, I inhale; then I pluck a branch off the bush and bring it inside with me.

Delicious.