09/30/10 05:51 - 56.ºF - ID#52861

Very Sad

Great title to bring in readers. Ah well. I need to write this one out.

I just read another article about an LGBT suicide. This one, a freshman at Rutgers whose roommates decided it would be a great idea to out him by putting a video of him and his male lover online. He jumped off the George Washington Bridge. Also mentioned in this article was a 13 year old boy who hung himself after being taunted by classmates for being gay.

LINK

Along with these two, there were a bunch floating around facebook about various abuses to young kids. One was a male cheerleader who, for all we know, isn't gay, but his arm was broken for doing a "gay" thing. Then there was the transman who rightfully won the Homecoming KING crown, but the school refused to give it to him because he was registered as a female.

Ug. I dunno. I guess I just get tired of it all. They have got this whole "It gets better" project on Youtube with Dan Savage now, and I think it will probably do some good. There was no youtube when I was in high school. But. But. But, what about the perpetrators? I think we should reach out to the victims of the abuse, of course. They need advice, guidance, support. But what of the perpetrators? The children who taunted that 13 year old boy were "questioned" and authorities concluded that no crime was committed.

So what we are we teaching our children? What, for that matter, are we not only teaching, but encouraging? I am a big proponent of seeking out and targeting the middle of the road offenders. Just like we know that the KKK are racists, we know who the real homophobes are, because they make themselves known. So I'm talking about the teasers, the bullys, the "I don't want to see it" folks and even the ones who pretend to be ok with it, but something always gives them away.

I always find that I cut myself off from finishing posts like these. Part of me wants to get into it all, the social aspects of gender identity and the ways in which homophobia and hatred is infused into everything except the air we breathe. Part of me just gets tired. I suppose it's the conundrum of being driven to write by sadness. Today is ok to be sad, but sadness does not make change.

libertad writes at 03:17:34 10/10/10 - Comment #58828: I think if any of you do want to make a real difference locally I would suggest participating in Diversity Day. If anyone is interested in talking about their experience growing up gay or being bullied they might consider speaking at Transit Middle School. Just let me know and I will get you into contact with them.

metalpeter writes at 06:13:11 10/06/10 - Comment #58787: I agree with you on the fact that is different being gay as a man or women in some aspects. The Point about liking watching girls kiss is a great point, in fact it is an entire part of the Porn industry and there are some sites that aren't porn but are just pictures of girls (yes they are all ways hot by the way and nothing says they are gay or bi so that feeds into even more) kissing girls [mostly bars]. I won this porn at a stag I thought it said 3 guys and a girl and was pumped but it is 3 gays and a girl. This is to make two points 1. I think all the porn was supposed to be like a Joke there was a midget one and a 3,000 tons of fun. Now on the outside it seems kinda fun so yeah it was kinda funny (but yeah it shows the mentality of judging as well). But at this same stag the strippers offered to have a girl party and of course all the guys wanted to see it so money was collected and it happened. That is a great example of the gender double standard. I will admit I can't imagine guy on guy sex, if this is a girl is it gay to watch it? And I can admit I don't want to see guy on guy and it seems like (to me it would be gross). But there are a lot of things sexually one would find gross . 2. I don't really want to watch it (kinda lost what else I was going to say). Hey BJ's might not be bad but I don't want to see anything more then that. I think that is where some of hate and mocking comes from is that , that kind of sex is looked at as nasty and gross.......

I wanted to say more but kinda lost my point. I live my life by I don't really care what people do as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. What I don't get is when you here people say "Why do they have to through it in my Face". Yes there are some people who put their gayness out in front of who they are, but that I think is the exception.

I can admit I do the gay joke thing (I know it is wrong and have tried to stop and pretty much stopped for some time), I don't really mean the person is gay, it is more because I know the person isn't really gay and it offends them. That being said, I did make that mistake and was wrong with someone I know. I admit I wish I knew she was bi so I could have stopped, she didn't like the person who the joke was about. That is the problem with kidding around sometimes some one gets upset and don't let you know. There have been times when someone hasn't been "A Man" (don't mean gender roles) and so they get called a bitch [again I know it is wrong but pussy or punk doesn't really fit].

I'm kinda old school so I think a tiny bit of teasing is ok in good fun, if you like the person. But if you don't just leave them alone. That bullying stuff is insane. I saw Part of Ellen today and she had a great point they should have classes in school about kindness. I think it might be a good idea. I'm not saying that you should give praise to people who haven't done anything to get it (everyone wins moto style). But maybe if people where more kind there would be less problems and maybe even less people would fall through the cracks.......

lauren writes at 02:37:50 10/06/10 - Comment #58786: Peter, you are exactly right...and sexuality and gender are intimately linked and can't really be separated when it comes to homophobia. As soon as one transgresses on what is expected of their gender, they become gay, or a bitch or a pussy etc etc. And I think that it is very telling that all of the recent victims were young boys/men, because I think that for men, the pressure to be masculine is very strong, rigid and intense, while women are "given" more fluidity when it comes to their sexuality and their gender presentation, because men like it when girls kiss girls. Of course that's a very overarching generalization, so please take it as that, but the point I am trying to make is that I perceive the struggles of gay men and gay women to be different even as they are deeply related.

metalpeter writes at 07:26:36 10/05/10 - Comment #58762: One other thing to add....

Gender is a factor in this as well. A lot of the making fun of someone is because they aren't "A Man" and that really has a lot to do with gender roles. This isn't only here but everywhere. If you see someone who does Hair and a man then they are gay, and if they aren't gay then they are a liar. There are men who really aren't gay and do Hair but that isn't looked at as manly. Like often times female coaches are assumed gay or the entire WNBA or the other women's league. I'm not saying it is right but gender roles and people being out of them is a big factor. I'm single and like musicals so that makes me a fag to some people I'm sure, yeah I admit it wicked was great, and Phantom and Avenue Q and Rent . This would even be more true if I was into dance (not the kind in the club that is almost sex) but like the kind on stage and that is because I'm a guy doing some thing that the gender roles say I shouldn't.......

heidi writes at 07:05:21 10/05/10 - Comment #58761: I keep coming back to this post and its comments but I'm not sure quite else to say... but thanks for provoking thought about it.

metalpeter writes at 12:24:35 10/02/10 - Comment #58726: So My perspective on things is much different I think then most peoples so I'm guessing what I'm going to say may be a bit out there.

1. The Teen story is so much more then about being gay. In School kids pick on kids for all kinds of things. When you grow up you look back and say wow what was that about back then. I'm not saying that it is ok, I'm saying it is. The Fact is that kids are effected by who their friends are. Your buddy smokes pot you will try it and maybe like it.... Someone has led zepplin you listen and maybe like it or not.... Someone has two moms they will be mocked well if they didn't have two moms they would get mocked for something else.........

2. America is very sexually oppressed. As an example remember when Madonna had that like a prayer video. That is a great video. She did an add for Pepsi. I don't remember much of it but that it made a reference to that video somehow people complained and off the air it went. Oh and she got to keep all the money. Now Pepsi must have known about that video ? No one can really be open here BDSM is a subculture in many cities from what I have been told. I phone out near a stripper can cause a Riot. When I went to Diablo the guy running the show explained that people at the shows have complained because their picture showed up at the bar, not even watching the event. So being at a bar to watch an event or just being there can get one in trouble, some free society we have..... I think that leads to a lot of the Judgement of homosexuality.

3. Death to do ones sexuality is sad it shouldn't happen. What I think leads to most of it is judging. That doesn't just come from people of faith, I think that is something kinda embedded in people. Hey we all know it isn't right but we all do it. Maybe it isn't about some one who is gay it is about that dirty homeless guy, who isn't really homeless he just looks that way.

4. There is this anti gay culture that people don't even notice. The "That is go gay". But it goes deeper then that you have people who kiss the bosses or someone's ass and it becomes things like "Hey you have a little some thing yeah right there on your cheek" in infers that they where blowing the boss. At the time it is pretty funny. But it isn't like you are gay bashing the guy cause if he was really gay it wouldn't be funny. But what if he is gay and no one knows this.... Then it would be a problem and that leads me to #5.

5. One thing guys do is bash or bust balls on other guys. This is done to people whom they like. This is pretty common place and everyone enjoys it (98% of the time). The Problem is that this sets up guys to take it to the next bad level. That is picking on people they don't like and its not being nice.

My Final thing is to say that all that stuff combined can make a firestrom. But what I think happens is that everyone who get picked on for anything is picked on for what people see or know. So you have some people who are gay or seem gay and get picked on or attacked for it. But the thing is that these are the only people who get attacked for it. Say I'm the Football team QB and am gay no one will know and nothing will be said to me, unless you can tell (like I'm in the glee club, sorry had to go there love that show). But if I'm a cheerleader (and not one teams where the guys toss the girls and catch them) on the all girls team it is assumed I'm gay (or maybe it is a good way to get with the cheerleaders) and I could be in a lot of trouble. Being seen as gay is what gets people attacked or mocked and they are the only ones who this happens to. What that does is it makes it very hard (I think) for people who aren't seen in that light to come out (as the term is). Why take that chance of being attacked or mocked if you are being left alone.

lauren writes at 06:49:56 10/02/10 - Comment #58724: Paul, I am with you about them not being tried for murder, and they aren't from what I have read. They are being charged with other various felonies that have to do with invading his privacy and posting the videos online. But, I do think that it should be connected with a hate crime, because I don't think they would have taped in in the first place, let alone put it online, if he wasn't gay. Also, I really get defensive about the whole, if he was a stronger, less shameful person, this wouldn't have happened. I am not sure that it does any good whatsoever to go around comparing the amount of shame that someone has in relation to what you see as progress. Suicide is a tricky thing... suicide related to be gay even more so, but I think that the last thing we want to do is blame the victim because being gay is ok in some places.

Heidi, I appreciate your wanting to do something. My feelings about fund raising are that I am not sure that it does any sustainable good and that it is more often about the fund raisers feeling better about that themselves. Not that I have an answer for something does...although I would be interested in seeing what GLYS is doing, if anything, around these recent deaths.

heidi writes at 01:03:01 10/01/10 - Comment #58707: After being out for over 17 years, it's hard for me to understand that level of shame also... Sometimes women come to my meetup group who aren't really out and it's kinda difficult to deal with and be supportive of where they are. I guess I'm lucky that it's been pretty easy. My (now ex-) girlfriend and I got harassed at an amusement park once, my ex-boyfriend was also there and he was *pissed* and went after the kid. I had to break up the fight in the middle of the laser tag pit. I deal more often with the bi-phobia of some of the lesbians in the meetup group.

What can we do? Could we hold a fundraiser for Gay & Lesbian Youth Services?

libertad writes at 11:08:19 10/01/10 - Comment #58703: Wow, Paul, that is an awful story about that boy.

paul writes at 10:03:01 10/01/10 - Comment #58701: I think its pretty horrible that this happened. Moreso, I think it is more horrible in the case of the male cheerleader where they broke his arm. When I was a kid, there was this kind of dorky, feminine guy who got ridiculed so much. I remember several terrible incidences. One him being tied up naked to a tree and left there at camp and another where he had a broken arm and some jocks put him in a garbage can and rolled it down the stairs breaking his other arm.

At the same time, I am not totally convinced "they killed him" in this case or that they should be tried for murder. I'm not even convinced that society killed him. Think about all of the LGBT people that have put up with so much more than this. The guy killed himself for being ashamed of being gay in a time where being gay in a lot of places is pretty ok compared to what it used to be.

lauren writes at 06:31:55 10/01/10 - Comment #58700: Just to be clear, they are definitely pressing charges again the freshman roommates who posted the tape online. They aren't pressing charges against the young kids who were teasing the 13 year old boy. And I don't necessarily think that legalities are necessary with super young teens, but something has to be done in that school, and every school, to address the realities of whats going on. Bullying is, I think, almost always a hate crime. Hate against gay people, poor people, fat people, etc. Anyway, I know I am preaching to the choir...

libertad writes at 06:30:22 09/30/10 - Comment #58695: I feel very bad for what happened. Suicide, in most cases, is such an awful thing and it happens to so many glbt. Sigh. One of the saddest movies I ever watched was Prayers for Bobby. I sobbed uncontrollably.

Really? That guy did not commit a crime by taping his unknowing roommate and making the footage of him having sex public?

tinypliny writes at 06:19:48 09/30/10 - Comment #58694: You have to hold on to hope that someday our collective minds will rise out of the dark ages and understand that the real meaning of being human is to be made of uncountable number of shades and flavours. The monochrome view that some of us seem to have today will slowly die out completely.