I found these photos made me smile. Maybe you will too.














my favorite

I've been reading the book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

1.Be impeccable with your word
2.Don't make assumptions
3.Always do your best
4.Don't take anything personally


The first 3 items are words which I have truly tried to live by. It took time to become enlightened by these prospects. The time to make mistakes, time to grieve, time to push through them, and time to adjust. That last of the 4 is something I've always had a hard time with.

1.I often tell people, "Say what you mean and mean what you say". I don't like double talk, backstabbing, double standards and the like. I don't know many people that do like it. Some are more prone to it than others. None of us are immune entirely, but I certainly put the conscious effort into my words.

2.I learned not to make assumptions after many disappointments. Countless times I had been let down by others before I realized it is not just that they are flakes, but I made an assumption about them. 1 plus 1 equals 2, but not always. A hard lesson to learn and one we all have to confront throughout our lives. I suspect it played a role in my independence at an early age.

3.I used to be quite the perfectionist. I do try my best. Sometimes I tried too hard. If it wasn't just right, it was worthless to me. I've certainly eased up on the intensity of perfection. Nothing is perfect. School, it doesn't mean all that much in the long run. Great papers, they don't add up to much but a great paper that got you a grade. What you learn experientially carries far greater weight. Perhaps my art work still retains some level of perfectionism, but only to me.

4.Don't take it personally. Oh how I struggle, as I'm sure many do, with this thought. Are people susceptible to taking things more personal if they are deeply passionate, deeply committed to the things they do? If they place greater value on friendships does it not stand to reason they would be more affected by things done or said to them? It is a character trait that should always be looked down upon as a great flaw? Does this not generate the sort of genuine love we look for from others? Finding that balance between maintaining the self and not getting hurt is not as simple as "don't take it personal". It is a daily struggle for me. I have made progress in this area for sure. I think practicing yoga and meditation helped me with this. Letting many things roll off my back that had once bothered me was a fantastic improvement. I think a portion of the struggle is not related to my passion but the fear that I may then become hard to the world I love. I don't want to build a wall.

I will continue to learn and grow. Hurting is the less glamorous part of the process. I have learned that people I loved do not love me in return. I have learned that those I held in close regard did not have the same understanding with me. I have learned friends come and go even at the most critical time when we need them most. I have learned I will be replaced by others that are deemed more interesting to be with. I have learned that friendship is a two seat bike meant to be shared and to let go of those who don't put in equal effort. Most of all, I have learned what it is to be me and I love it. I love my light and dark side. I love showing passion toward others. If it is not returned, I must stay strong and continue to be me, the best me I can be, and not take it personally.

Still without power at home so I've been crashing on the air matress at the parental unit dwelling since Saturday. Thursday night I froze in my apartment. Friday morning Ryan and I trudged a mile through the snow and debris with our packs full to spend the night with friends who had power. I was grateful but man that hardwood floor did a number on my body.

My nephew is doing sooooo much better. Once his tongue got snipped he has been all about the cooing and not so much the crying. I'm so glad. We went shopping to get him a few warmer outfits. I got him a cozy long-sleeve onsie that reads "Hi, I'm new here" above a picture of the world. :)

Yesterday was my Gramma's birthday. She never got to see Ryan so Tonia and I took him out with some flowers. He was quiet until the moment we walked in the mausoleum doors, then he chattered away. I think he was introducing himself to his great-grandparents. As soon as we walked out the door, he stopped. I miss my Gramma.

I hope everyone else is dealing best they can with, as we have nicknamed the storm, the "catastrophe". The little guy is in my arms right now and took a big stinky poop so I must go change him. Take care.

I feel like I'm in a dream where I am in a car. I am the passenger and also the driver. I see many obstacles in the road ahead of me but I have no control. I cannot direct the wheels to avoid colliding with objects. I yell but I cannot wake the self that is driving. Lost in time I will step into the darkness once more. There in the comfort of my night, the world cannot see me. It is the only place I truly feel safe.

Ta mo chroise go bron
Oiche' s me liom fein
Speartha dubh go domhain, a choich
Uaigneas mor, go deo, a choich
Taim bronach, buartha' s briste
Nil ann ach an marbh.

It is Gaelic, from an Enya song.
Translation:

My heart is grieving
Night and I am alone
Endless deep black skies
Great loneliness, forever, and ever
I am sad, sorrowful, and broken
Nothing is left except the dead.

So I posted this note on my fridge the other night:

"I'm on a mission to find someone to fuck this Halloween" My roommates scribbled agreeable comments.

Then (e:Decoyisryan) posted this today, and I thought, yeah man - that's EXACTLY what I mean. So I thought I'd share his words with you, since I wouldn't say it much differently myself. Ciao.

P.S. We saw The Science of Sleep last night. I loved it!!



"make me feel good


I was thinking about the movie Monster's Ball the other day. There is that scene....the scene where Hank and Leticia have sex. More accurately, they fuck. It was satisfying to her to be fucked by him in that moment. She was so depressed and lonely and just wanted to be touched. In that instant she didn't care who it was, she just wanted someone to "make her feel good."

It's a thought that has crossed everyone's mind and surely a thought some have acted on. You might be thinking about that last one night stand you had while you are reading this. Stop! One night stands typically happen after a few drinks and end with an ackward shuffle out the door. The "make me feel good" fuck is different. It starts well after you've felt so alone that the company of others means nothing to you and the the solitude is too much to bare. You don't want to be around people but you don't want to be alone either. All you can do is fuck. Fucking keeps you from talking, from letting anyone in. All it is is sex and it might make you feel better than you've felt in months...maybe even years. If that is what you need, is it wrong to deny yourself that? I say no. I say that if the touch of another person is what you need to feel better about whatever it is that is bringing you down, that you do it. You stip off your clothes and you fuck. Graphic as it might be to keep saying "fuck" in this entry, it's necessary. That is what we are talking about here. There is no making love. No plain sex. No cuddling or foreplay. There is just fucking. Just two people getting off to feel anything other than the pain they are going through.

There's something to think about on this October night."