Saturday morning I decided enough was enough. I made myself leave the house, and I went to the Farmer's Market on Bidwell.

I bought myself a nice big bunch of cheery, colorful flowers.

On the way home, I stopped and ate at the Falafel Bar.

All of the sudden I started crying over my Falafel.

This morning I just got home from work.
Walked in the door, and saw my bright, cheery flowers.

And started crying.

This has got to stop.

I wish I could feel better.
This is unlike me.  I'm always miss happy-go-lucky.  But ever since yesterday, everything just feels wrong.
I made the stupid ass mistake of talking to my ex.  Or texting him, to be more precise.
We'd made contact again recently, which made me happy.  I hate having people leave my life on bad terms.
So we were tossing around the idea of coffee.  I was actually looking forward to it.  Because when all is said and done, I enjoy his company.
So he asked when, and said he's "really busy".  I said no shit i'm busy too, and gave him some options.  And in typical fashion, he didn't respond.  That is my ULTIMATE PET PEEVE, and he fucking KNOWS this, since we fought about it many times.
I gave him a week or so, then last night just texted him "hi".  We chatted a bit, blah blah blah.  I asked him about coffee, and he says "i said yes let's go" and pretended he didn't know he had never answered me.  Then all of the sudden he disappears.  Two hours later "oh... I was eating."  Why couldn't you fucking tell me that, instead of leaving me hanging?  I don't know why this gets to me so much, but he just pushes all my buttons.  Then he came back and we chatted a little more, and (as usual) ended in a fight, with him saying "some things never change", and me crying.  So it looks like we won't have coffee.  And I don't know why that bothers me so much.  Why do I want to see a guy who makes me so fucking miserable? (this is the guy who, after all, broke up with me (after a YEAR) b/c I wanted dinner and he wanted to watch Lost.)  I guess I just hate to think I "failed" at the relationship.  Which makes me think of all my other "failed" relationships/attempts/etc, and makes me feel like I can't do ANYthing right.
Blah.
So anyway, that got me down.  Spent the rest of the night in tears, until I went to bed early.  And still just had a black cloud around me all day.
And then my dumbass coworker locked the call room from the inside so I couldn't get to my locker my car keys to go home.  And it took security almost 3 hours to come open the door.  but so I killed time on estrip. (where else?)  And (e:sbrugger) asked "what is so bad about your life?"  And I guess that's hard to answer...  Aside from boy drama and being alone, I guess there is nothing so BAD.  But worse than that, there is just nothing so GOOD either.  Ok I have my health, I have a roof over my head, I'm more fortunate than most, blah blah spare me.  But there's just nothing to get out of bed for in the morning...  My family is fantastic... estrip is pretty cool... I have a few friends... but as (e:vincent) put it, these things don't keep me warm at night.  And I wondered what the common problem is.  And maybe it's work.  I dread work lately.  I get there, and all I want to do is go home.  I can't WAIT to leave the building.  I find myself getting annoyed with my patients (sometimes rightfully so, and sometimes not.)  Annoyed with my interns.  Annoyed if I have to actually do any work.  Upset when a trauma makes me miss out on food or sleep.  I haven't slept past 5am (in buffalo) since March 4th.  (yes I was away two weekends ago, and I slept some there, but even that was a frantic whirlwind weekend.)  This weekend I COULD have a day off (Easter), but only one of us can have the day off- me, or the chief.  And there's no way the chief will work a holiday so that I can have a day off.  So that means yet another week without a day off.  I'm so sleep deprived I can't stand it.  I fall asleep at red lights.  I just fell asleep now while typing this.  I've gotten to the point that 4 hours is "a lot" of sleep.  It's just getting to me.... wearing me down....  And that makes me feel weak.  All 53 other residents have it just as bad as I do... and they manage to pull off lives and relationships and have fun- and they even manage to study, which I NEVER do (and it's showing.)
So then I asked the ultimate question- Do I like what I do?
I always instinctively snap back "yes of course" to that question.  But now I'm wondering- do I?  I mean yes, operating is way cool.  And I still do like that.  But is it enough?  I mean, I'm supposed to be EXCITED when a gunshot wound comes to the ER at 3am, because that means I might get to operate!  A chance to cut is a chance to heal!  Rah! I am macho surgeon!  But instead I think "god DAMMIT I don't want to get out of bed, why did this stupid fucker have to go and get his stupid ass shot grumble grumble."  Looking at the OR schedule today- pancreatectomy.  Huge case.  Probably 8hrs.  I should probably have been fighting to get in there, but all I could think was "no thank you.  I'll stick to my 45 min hernia repair."  Does that mean I'm lazy?
But to get back to my point... do I like what I do?  I always say yes- but is that just because the alternative is so bad?  Admitting I don't like it would be.... I can't even imagine.  It would flip my whole world on end.  Because this is my whole life.  There's no going back.  And I'm not a quitter.  So I can't even entertain the thought that maybe I'm not happy.  So am I going to be miserable?
For now I tell myself this is just temporary... only 2 more years of residency.  Then things will be better?  God I hope so.  Because this sucks so much right now.  I am ALWAYS tired and cranky and whiny and miserable.  No wonder I'm alone- who in their right mind would want to deal with this shite.

so on that depressing note, I think I will go eat far too much, starting with some spicy italian peppers.  I went to the grocery store thursday.  For the first time since 2/13.  And now I have so much food I don't know where to start.  It's like I want to eat it all at once.  At least I don't have to eat popcorn for dinner anymore...

Later peeps.  I love you.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Even though I feel totally broken, you can usually make me smile.  So thanks for that.  I guess not ALL men suck.  (but I'm still not convinced.)
-J

Dear men/boys of Buffalo:
You suck.
You have broken me.
You win.
I give up.
(and you don't even care.)

Love, J